Danny's Blog

Thank you Maxim Magazine

2008-03-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

For the most part, Maxim Magazine is a piece of trash. But when it's right, it's right:

Apparently, Maxim Magazine ranked Sex and the City star Sara Jessica Parker the unsexiest woman in the world. I've been saying this for years. Actually, that's not quite true. I think she's the third unsexiest woman in Hollywood. Two of her three co-stars take the top two spots. You know which two I'm talking about. My problem with her entire show was the leap of logic it took to buy that men might find her and her ugly friends attractive. It's not like any of them had good personalities either.

SJP is all pissed that Maxim is telling it like it is. She's clearly a glass-is-half-empty kind of person. She shouldn't be upset that she is an ugly movie start. She should be happy that despite being ugly, she still became a movie star. She also made some public response about how she's not unsexy just because she doesn't have fake boobs and fake lips or something. This is true. She's unsexy because her face is shaped like a foot. That has nothing to do with boobs or lips.

"That's Kenseth country."

2008-03-29T06:40:00.000-07:00

That's what the lady at the rental car place in North Carolina told me when she looked at my drivers license and saw that I'm from Milwaukee.

Danny from Milwaukee: Excuse me?

Rental Car Lady: Milwaukee is Kenseth country.

DFM: What's Kenseth?

RCL: Matt Kenseth is from Milwaukee.

DFM: Who's Matt Kenseth?

RCL: You must not be a racing fan.

DFM: Racing isn't actually very big in Milwaukee. I'm sure Matt Kenseth is very good, but it's more like Favre country up there. Of Fielder country.

I assume she meant auto-racing because I actually am a racing fan. I ran in college and everything. This woman seemed appalled that I could live in "Kenseth country" and not even appreciate the significance. I looked up Matt Kenseth on wikipedia and found out that he is in fact a stock car driver from Wisconsin (Cambridge, not Milwaukee). I actually remember some of the dudes at the Wisconsin Sport Bar blog talking about him in the past, but that's about it. It's funny that a whole segment of society (if all Nascar fans think like the rental car lady) could think of Wisconsin as "Kenseth country" when most of us up here don't really give a crap about him.

On Wisconsin

2008-03-19T07:59:00.000-07:00

I don't really give a crap about the NCAA Basketball Tournament. I somehow maintain my sanity throughout the madness. I'm usually too excited about spring training and the upcoming baseball season to be much more than a casual basketball fan. I fill out a bracket and I cheer on my alma mater, Wisconsin, and the local team, Marquette, but that's about it.

And I also read Slate.com, which had some pretty mean-spirited things to say about Wisconsin in their "Teams we hate" article:

University of Wisconsin, Big Ten Conference, No. 3 in Midwest Region

Everyone bags on Big Ten football, and appropriately so, but the Midwestern brand of pigskin is easy on the eyes compared with Big Ten hoops: a raft of mediocre teams, plenty of flow-restricting physicality, and, all-too-often, Brent Musberger, looking live from Champaign or Iowa City. The most painful Big Ten team to endure is the Badgers, a team that combines brutishness and blandness into an unwatchable goulash.

I blame Bo Ryan, the coach who has created a top program in Madison by installing all manner of defensive tactics while forgetting the game is supposed to be entertainment. To use a soccer analogy, the Badgers always appear to be playing for a draw but manage to get enough muscled-in offensive rebounds from the likes of Brian Butch to get past the league's weak competition. Wisconsin will muck along in the tournament until it runs into a team that knows how to execute a crossover dribble. Until then, I'll be singing my own version of the Badgers' fight song every time they clog up my TV: "Off, Wisconsin!"—Robert Weintraub

First of all, all basketball games are brutish and bland. The problem with basketball is that scoring a point is virtually meaningless since it's so easy to score. Most games have half time scores of something like 34 to 32. To me, that translates to zero-zero. Why'd they even play that half? Then the time outs and the fouls start. Borrrr-rrrinng. And, although I don't know what a "crossover dribble" is, I'm guessing it's part of the reason that scoring is so easy and games are so boring.

Wisconsin basketball is good basketball - at least comparatively. It's like baseball, sort of. First, they sign guys that will stick around until they are juniors and seniors. Bo Ryan and Dick Bennet knew that a team full of experienced players with good fundamentals and strong defense would be competitive from year to year and make the tournament in most years. Let Ohio State and Florida have the superstars (how's that NIT tournament going this year anyway?). Also, they know that a prevented basket is the same as a scored basket, even if it isn't as entertaining for shit-chucking chimps like Robert Weintraub of Slate.com. So they prevent baskets, and it works pretty well.

Strategy is what makes sports exciting, not cross-over dribbles.

Go Badgers!

Did you bring treats?

2008-03-19T07:15:00.001-07:00

It's my last day at the old job today. I'm starting my new one on Monday. When they found out I was leaving, no less than four of the secretaries asked me if I'd be bringing in treats for my last day. The answer to that, of course, is "no." My last day on the job, particularly when I'm leaving for a different firm, does not strike me as a treat occasion. Am I wrong about this?

I have to admit, I don't really understand this treat-based culture of the staff here. Is it like this in all offices? They bring in treats for every occasion you can imagine. Cookies, cakes, doughnuts, etc. And they talk about it. What they eat or have eaten is actually a topic of conversation. It's weird. And I thought that one thing that defined a "treat" was its rarity? It's not exactly special if it happens every day. And it's really really unhealthy if it's every day too!!! I certainly don't want to be a part of that.

I went 20 rounds with "Cindy" last night.

2008-03-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

A bunch of the Crossfit benchmark workouts have girls' names. So in this particular case, Cindy isn't a real person, she's a workout, and those "rounds" I did with her consisted of pull-ups, push-ups and squats. The workout is as many rounds as possible in 20 minutes of 5 pull-ups, 10 push-ups, and 15 air squats. I got 20 rounds. One round per minute. That's 100 pull-ups, 200 push-ups, and 300 squats in less time than it takes to listen to one song at a Phish concert. I was gassed. I also got on the record board again. This time, the guy I knocked off is the stud of my gym.* He has almost all of the records. I really can't say enough about this stuff. Doing 100 pull-ups in 20 minutes seemed unfathomable to me a few months ago.

*Full disclosure: he had been lifting heavy for about an hour before he did the workout. He got 19 rounds + the pull-ups and push-ups. If he tried "Cindy" again he'd take his record right back.

Air-Cobain sneaker to "honor" Kurt

2008-03-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

I never understood the concept of naming a shoe after a person that wasn't the designer. I guess naming a basketball sneaker after the best basketball player makes a certain amount of sense, but it always seemed silly to me. But not this silly.

Converse have announced plans to release a new limited edition series of shoes inspired by late-Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, each decorated with drawings and writing from his posthumously released journals. The line will include Converse High Tops and rather more morbidly a pair of black One Tops, the shoes Cobain was wearing when he committed suicide in 1994.

In a press release, Converse said: "To honor Cobain, in May, Converse will debut their Kurt Cobain collection of shoes featuring artwork and scribbles borrowed from Cobain's personal notebooks.

Actually, that's more than just silly. It's kind of sick. Remember, this is Kurt Cobain we're talking about. You know, the guy that wore this t-shirt on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine:

Kidneys not for sale

2008-03-18T11:08:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been watching ReasonTV's Drew Carey Project. It's a series of videos available for free on line at ReasonTV that discuss a number of political issues and hosted by Drew Carey. They are straight-forward, informative and entertaining. And you can watch them on your iPod when you're in the waiting room at the doctor's office or whatever (but not if you're waiting in the doctor's office to sell a kidney because that's illegal). You should really check them all out, but I found the most recent one very compelling:

Although I don't like to talk too much about politics on this here rag, this is one issue where I just can't wrap my head around the other side's position. 3,000 Americans die each year waiting for a kidney while 300,000,000 of us have an extra one. At least some of that latter number could really use $15,000 or so too.

What do you think? Should we be allowed to sell our kidneys?

The King of Kong

2008-03-17T08:13:00.000-07:00

Movie Review: The King of Kong: A Fist Full of Quarters

I just watched what I believe was the best film of 2007. I haven't seen No Country For Old Men (I heard it's just a rip-off of The Terminator) but I have a hard time believing it could possibly be better than The King of Kong. It's about a guy named Steve Weibe and his quest to break the world record for the highest score in the 1981 arcade classic, Donkey Kong. But it's more than that. It's hilarious, somewhat unsettling, occasionally sweet and always intriguing. It's a look inside of a bizarre subculture as an outsider attempts to dethrone their hero.

Steve Weibe is a likable "aw shucks" kind of guy. He's a musician, an artist and an athlete. When he got laid off from his job at Boeing, he decided to spend his free time to try and break the world record for Donkey Kong. The problem is that the record was currently held by one of the doucheist characters in cinema history: Billy Mitchel. Billy was a video game "prodigy" in the 1980s and in 1982, he scored 874,300 points on Donkey Kong to set the world record. The second highest score (something like 500,000. I forget exactly.) was set by Billy's sidekick/toady Brian Kuh. As the film begins, Billy's '82 record still stands and Billy is still remarkably cocky as a result. He's also a dead-ringer for Ben Stiller's character in Dodgeball. But he's way funnier than Ben Stiller and this movie is way funnier than Dodgeball.

Billy is also a "referee" for Twin Galaxies, the organization that governs "world records" for video games. This makes Weibe's quest all the more difficult. It's as much about politics as it is about hand-eye coordination. It really is a fantastic movie that I highly recommend.

Mark A. in the Milwaukee Business Journal

2008-03-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

Every time I read something about the Brewer's owner, I like him more and more.

Attanasio, team chairman and principal owner, confirmed this week that the Brewers' 2008 payroll will exceed $80 million, a franchise record, just four years after it was $27.5 million, the lowest amount in Major League Baseball. In 2004, the team was highly criticized for cutting its payroll by 25 percent and for the departure of team president Ulice Payne.

...

"When I bought the team, everyone wanted me to get it to $40 million. But we have had a process in place that has worked in allowing us to set a payroll to make sure we are competitive. We do have some challenges in this media market, but we have remained flexible and taken opportunities when they have presented themselves.

"We also have gotten money from Major League Baseball in revenue sharing and from shares of other revenue, such as national television contracts. Shared revenue is very important to this team. All of the money has gone back into payroll."

Mark A., I salute you.

Markets in... nothing?

2008-03-14T08:07:00.000-07:00

The Freakonomics Blog is talking about the University of Wisconsin's business school.

Michael Knetter may just go down in history as one of the greatest fundraisers of all time. Knetter is the dean of the Wisconsin Business School. Other universities have managed to raise substantial amounts of money by naming their business schools after generous donors (think Carlson, Tuck, Goizueta, Sloan, etc.). But Knetter did something far more impressive. He managed to raise $85 million in return for promising not to name the school for the next 20 years. A bunch of boosters liked the fact that the school is simply called the “University of Wisconsin Business School,” and they were willing to pay to keep it that way, at least for 20 years.

I guess the lesson is that sometimes a lot of sort-of-rich alumni can outspend one very-rich alumnus.

How does the Brewer's bullpen rank?

2008-03-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

According to Tom Singer of MLB.com it ranks 4th in the majors:

4. Brewers: How can a team let a 44-save closer (Cordero) and a valued middle man (Linebrink) walk, yet still rate a top-notch bullpen? Milwaukee GM Doug Melvin scores on the proactive meter.

Cordero already had a track record (with Texas) for crash-landing after a big season, so Melvin felt better about rebuilding his bullpen and went all out. A lot rides on whether Guillermo Mota and Eric Gagne can re-enact the deadly combination they formed with the 2002-04 Dodgers.

There are people with closing experience all over the place. Melvin also added David Riske and Salomon Torres, and Derrick Turnbow is still on the scene. Brian Shouse has aged into a trusted matchup lefty (only 24 of the 94 he faced reached base).

If you see Mr. Singer you are advised to immediately flee as fast as you can in the opposite direction as he has clearly lost his mind. I like this the best: "There are people with closing experience all over the place." Yeah, you know, guys like Dan Kolb.

In all honesty, I think the bullpen will be alright. Bullpens are hard to predict because the lifespan of a relief pitcher, especially a closer, is pretty short. But I don't think there's much chance that it'll be the 4th best in baseball. Maybe the 4th most recognizable.

I don't normally post sappy poetry about death...

2008-03-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

but this struck me as being about right:

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

It's called "The Dash" and it was written by Linda Ellis on a lunch break in 1996. I like that the verse is simple and that it rhymes (I hate the other kind of poetry). But I really like that it's about living in the now rather than appealing to the supernatural.

Earth-like planets orbiting Alpha Centauri

2008-03-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

Cool.

Habitable rocky planets are likely to have formed in the Alpha Centauri system, a trio of stars 4.37 light years, or 25.8 trillion miles, away, a study has shown. Astronomers say if such worlds exist they could be detected using a dedicated telescope.

...

Anyone standing on a planet orbiting Alpha Centauri B would see two "suns" in the sky, a bright "primary" sun and a "secondary" sun which would be much weaker but still many times brighter than the full moon as seen from Earth.

Just like Luke Skywalker's planet.

Are Push-ups the ultimate barometer of fitness?

2008-03-11T09:11:00.001-07:00

This NY-Times article makes a pretty good case. It also tells us what Jack Lalane is up to at 93years old:

Mr. LaLanne, who once set a world record by doing 1,000 push-ups in 23 minutes, still does push-ups as part of his daily workout. Now he balances his feet and each hand on three chairs. "That way I can go way down, even lower than if I was on the floor,” he said. “That’s really tough.”

Mr. Lalane, I salute you.

My MLB Season Prediction

2008-03-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

AL East
1. Boston
2. NY
3. TB
4. Baltimore
5. Toronto

AL Central
1. Detroit
2. Cleveland
3. KC
4. Chicago
5. Minnesota

AL West
1. Anaheim
2. Oakland
3. Seatle
4. Texas

NL East
1. Mets
2. Philly
3. Florida
4. Washington
5. Atlanta

NL Central
1. Milwaukee
2. Chicago
3. Cinci
4. Houston
5. Cards
6. Bucs

NL West
1. LA
2. Arizona
3. Colorado
4. Padres
5. Giants

AL Wild Card: Yankees
NL Wild Card: Chicago

ALDS:
Detroit defeats NY.
Boston defeats Anaheim

ALCS:
Detroit defeats Boston

NLDS:
Milwaukee defeats LA
Mets defeat Chicago

NLCS:
Mets defeat Milwaukee

World Series:
Detroit defeats NYMets in 5

What do you think?

It could be worse

2008-03-10T14:42:00.001-07:00

Ned Yost is a mediocre manager. He's probably below average when it comes to strategy. But it's important for Brewer Fans to remember, it could be worse. Read this fisking of a Dusty Baker praiser over at Firejoemorgan.com. One of the better bits:

Stupid Dusty Baker Fan: Anyone with a laptop can locate the Web site baseball- reference.com and sound like an expert. Anyone with a library card can pick up one of [Bill] James' mind-numbing baseball "abstracts," in which the author makes the game sound like a first cousin to biomechanical engineering.

Ken Tremendous: Which is why it boggles the mind that some people don't. Especially the ones paid millions of dollars to operate one of 30 several-hundred-million-dollar franchises. And for the record, I'm not trying to sound like an expert. I'm trying to sound like a dude with a computer who can look shit up and point out that Adam Dunn is doing just fine, thank you, and if you start making him swing at pitches he doesn't like, you're going to screw up your team.

Indeed.

I hope they paid their taxes

2008-03-10T14:29:00.000-07:00

The big news of the day is that Elliot Spitzer likes to bang hookers. Now, since this is a decidedly apolitical blog and I don't really care, I won't comment too much on the issues surrounding illegal prostitution or budding politicians. But I will say, given Spitzer's push for taxing illicit activities, I really hope they paid their taxes.

Feb 17, 2008

That seems to be the axiom in New York these days, where Gov. Eliot L. Spitzer (D), struggling to close a $4.4 billion budget gap, has proposed making drug dealers pay tax on their stashes of illegal drugs. The new tax would apply to cocaine, heroin and marijuana, and could be paid with pre-bought "tax stamps" affixed to the bags of dope.
...

"It was a way of getting tougher on criminals," said Joseph D. Henchman, tax counsel for the Tax Foundation, a Washington-based educational group.

Heh.

Featured in the CFM Newsletter

2008-03-08T18:36:00.000-08:00

I'm featured in the Crossfit Milwaukee Newsletter for March. It's here, complete with nerdy pictures.

Changes

2008-03-08T18:35:00.000-08:00

I got a new job. A good one. I'm pumped about it.

Waayy too cold to be a gangster.

2008-03-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

The word on the street yesterday was that the upcoming Johnny Depp/Christian Bale flick Public Enemies was casting extras for non-speaking parts at the Italian Community center. They were looking for guys that are under 6'1" with "good faces." If that doesn't describe me to a "T" I don't know what does. So me and some friends headed over to the ICC in our suits and overcoats. Thankfully, recommended attire is what I wear to work. When we got there, the line was around the block. Actually it was about three blocks long. And 20 degrees at best. Most of the women in line were weaing skirts and high-heels. Although some of them made valliant efforts to keep warm - I saw one girl with her left foot in her purse and her right foot wrapped in a scarf - they looked miserable. We waited for about an hour and a half and then threw in the towel. I figured the odds of one of the women in our group dieing from exposure were greater than the odds of me getting held up by Johnny Depp on the big screen. My fame will have to wait.

We went to Elsa's on the Park for food and drink instead. I'm a bit fan of Elsa's. It always has a good crowd and feels like a lively place to be. The atmosphere is a little fancy, but it's basically a burger joint. We had some nachos and wings and a bunch of brown beers in .75L bottles. It turned out to be a good night.

and the ol' gun-slinger road off into the Mississippi sunset on a John Deere lawn tractor...

2008-03-04T19:08:00.000-08:00

I'm part of an entire generation of Wisconsin sports fan that has never really known a Green Bay Packers team that didn't have Brett Favre lined up over center. I vaguely remember the 1989 season in which Don Majkoski took us to a 10 and 6 record and led the NFL in passing yards. I think the two seasons after that featured Don splitting time with Blair Kiel and Anthony Dilweg and taking us to a 6 and 10 record and a 4 and 12 record. Then Number 4 took over. Since then, Favre has set almost every NFL passing record. He has also started in 275 consecutive games. As Paul at the Electric Commentary notes, he's the finest QB in Packer history, the toughest QB in NFL history, and a better QB than John fucking Elway. It won't be the same without him.

[ed. I looked up Favre on wikipedia and got a disambiguation page that listed several "Favres." Next to Brett he was identified as "forever and American football player." I checked the history of the page, and it seems one editor changed it to "former American football player" and another changed it to what I saw. It's less accurate, but more awesome.]

Dear Prince Fielder,

2008-03-03T12:39:00.000-08:00

I'd like to start out by saying that you are a fantastic baseball player, and by all accounts, a great leader and person in general. But I'm worried about you. Let's start with your new diet. When choosing a diet, it's important to keep in mind that you are a professional athlete and that your strength is your strength. On the athleticism spectrum, you fit somewhere near the top. At the bottom of this spectrum, right below starving children in third world countries, you will find a group known as "fashion models." People in this group are in such bad shape because they have shitty diets. Now, just to help you connect the dots, I'm going to be very clear about this; YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE DIETARY ADVICE FROM FUCKING FASHION MODELS!

I read that you decided to go on your new vegetarian diet after reading a book called Skinny Bitch. This book was written by two fucking fashion models. Neither of them would have a very good OPS. Here is the cover of the book:

You'll notice that there is not a professional baseball player pictured on the cover. Instead it features a caricature of a woman that is built like a pretzel. I do not believe that this cartoon woman could pick up a cartoon bat.

This book sold about 5 copies until some paparazzi snapped a picture of Posh Spice reading it. Here is a picture of posh spice:

You'll notice that Posh is built sort of like the woman on the book jacket, only not quite as shapely, despite some surgical augmentation. Her legs could be described as "lines." This is not a physique that a professional home-run hitter should aspire to have.

It's not impossible to be healthy without eating meat, but it's really really hard. You can't just eat 30 Boca Burgers per day. (This is literally what you would need to eat to get close to the amount of protein a man of your stature requires to work out like a man in your line of work needs to). Please start eating meat. And if you're not going to do that, at least hire a nutritionist that isn't in the fashion industry.

Very truly yours,

Danny

P.S. Remember this?

The Marvels of Medical Technology

2008-02-29T08:30:00.000-08:00

DUBLIN (AFP) - An Irishman blinded by an explosion two years ago has had his sight restored after doctors inserted his son's tooth in his eye, he said on Wednesday.

...

The procedure used on McNichol involved his son Robert, 23, donating a tooth, its root and part of the jaw. McNichol's right eye socket was rebuilt, part of the tooth inserted and a lens inserted in a hole drilled in the tooth.

Wha?

"Nor do they allow marketing that suggests a drink can be consumed without feeling the effects of alcohol."

2008-02-29T08:11:00.000-08:00

Some annoying anti-alcohol group is suing Miller over their surprisingly awesome beverage, Sparks.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest said Thursday that Anheuser-Busch's Bud Extra and Tilt, and Miller's Sparks, contain stimulants that are not officially approved for use in alcohol drinks. The group also accused the companies of falsely suggesting those stimulants will help combat the effects of alcohol.

Falsely suggesting those stimulants will help combat the effects of alcohol? So Miller is telling people, "drink our alcoholic beverage. It's just like drinking a non-alcoholic beverage!"? That just doesn't make sense.

The nonprofit health advocacy group, based in Washington, D.C., will seek a judge's order prohibiting the companies from combining stimulants with alcohol.

Why do people always have to fight against convenience? The great thing about Sparks is that you just pop open the can and start drinking. No mixing involved. They even sell it at Miller Park. These people essentially want you to drink Redbull and vodka instead. Which is more expensive and less convenient.

I like this bit:

Federal regulations do not allow advertisements implying that such drinks have a stimulating effect. Nor do they allow marketing that suggests a drink can be consumed without feeling the effects of alcohol.

So first, you're not allowed to say that your drink has a stimulating effect. But here's a little secret about Sparks: it DOES have a stimulating effect! So this is a federal regulation requiring a company to lie about it's product. Secondly, you're not allowed to say that your product doesn't exhibit the properties that consumers want in your product. So it would be like if the federal government told Coke that they couldn't say, "Coke doesn't taste like Coke." What a useful law!

Stuff White People Like: Wrigley Field

2008-02-28T07:54:00.001-08:00

The other day, a friend sent me the link to a hilarious website called "Stuff White People Like." I've been gradually making my way through all of the posts. Given that it's the start of baseball [pre-]season, I found this entry pretty funny:

#30 Wrigley Field

One of the best things someone can do to gain the respect and trust of a white person, is to attend a baseball game with them at Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. When most people think of the Chicago Cubs they think of tradition, ivy covered walls, Fergie Jenkins & Harry Caray. A more accurate representation would be khaki shorts, frat boys & rich white business men on their iphones.

Yeah, that's about right. He adds:

Wrigley is an old stadium where people still pee in troths, but white people love paying top dollar to do this. They also like being around “real baseball fans”, even though most of the people in the bleachers are drunk rich frat kids that aren’t from Chicago and have no idea who Ernie Banks is.

Read the whole thing.

The whole website is really funny. I'd guess that the majority of the site's readers are white. Which makes this one true.

There are few things in this world sweeter than seeing something like this in print:

2008-02-28T04:58:00.000-08:00

Cactus League Action: Brewers (Vargas) vs Athletics (Blanton), February 28. 2008, 2:05 CST

Welcome back Baseball Season. I missed you terribly. GO BREWERS!

Book Shelf Etiquette

2008-02-27T21:37:00.000-08:00

Here's an interesting article on the Rules of Library Management, by some jag-off at TIME Magazine's website. His "Prime Directive" is:

RULE #1: THE PRIME DIRECTIVE -- It is unacceptable to display any book in a public space of your home if you have not read it. Therefore, to be placed on Matt Selman's living room bookshelves, a book must have been read cover to cover, every word, by Matt Selman. If you are in the home of Matt Selman and see a book on the living room shelves, you know FOR SURE it has been read by Matt Selman.

The first thing this article tells us is that Matt Selman, whoever he is, is a fucking dork. The second thing it tells us is that Matt Selman doesn't really understand what shelves are for. Or maybe he just has a different idea of what shelves should be for than I do.

I view the books that I own as having two functions. We'll call them the "primary function" and the "secondary function." The primary function, is of course, providing information to me, the owner/reader. The secondary function is providing information to people that might observe what books are on my shelves and form conclusions about what kind of person I am based on said books. We'll call these people "chicks that come over to my apartment."

I have four book shelves. The first is located in my bedroom. It contains approximately 15 books (and a plant, some candles, this sculpture thing and some book-ends). I have read 100% of the books on this shelf. The books on this self are mostly my favorites. All of them are newish hardcovers or decently kept up, newer paperbacks. In other words, I've read them and they look pretty nice. They include Neal Stephenson's "Cryptonomicon" and "The Baroque Cycle," Michael Lewis's "Moneyball" and "The Blind Side," Carl Sagan's "The Demonhaunted World," Scott Adams's "God's Debris" Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink" and the entire Harry Potter series.

The second shelf is located in my living room. It is in an area of the room that can be seen by anyone sitting in any of the chairs in said living room. There are about 30 books on this shelf. I've read approximately 25% of these books. They are all thick hardcovers, from which I've removed the nerdy book-jackets. I obtained most of them from my grandparents' place after they passed away. They include many biographies and historical accounts of wars and things. I'm interested in all of the topics covered in them, but haven't gotten around to reading all of them yet. I think that even though I haven't read all of these books, they still convey something about who I am. They tell visitors that I'm well-read and interested in history. And I am pretty well-read and interested in history. So I don't really think that makes me a poser.

The third shelf is also in my living room. It is a "barrister's cabinet," which means it has doors on it. They're glass, so you can still see what books are inside, but not as well. And it's in a place in the room where it's harder to see unless you're looking right at it. There are about 100 books on this shelf and I've read approximately 95% of them. Some of the books on this shelf are my favorites, but the copies I have of them kinda look like shit. They're mostly beat up old paperbacks I bought at used books stores during college.

The final shelf is in my spare bedroom. I got this shelf at Wal*Mart in like 1999 and it's a piece of garbage that is falling apart. The books on this shelf are mostly textbooks from college and law school, coffee table books I got on sale at Borders and a few miscellaneous others. I'd say there are about 200 books on this shelf... and a small collection of Milwaukee Brewers bobble-head dolls. I read most of most of these books, and they look alright, but one message I'm most definitely not trying to convey is "I went to law school." That's why they're in a room where nobody really goes.

Basically, my system involves accepting the idea that books that I'm interested in, but haven't read, say something about me too. So the books that are the most prominently displayed are the ones that look the nicest. I didn't really do that on purpose, that's just how it ended up. But I like that system, and I'm sticking to it.

How are your books displayed?

Workin' Late

2008-02-27T21:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't think I'm cut out for the real world. I say this based totally on the ~~nine~~ 7:30 to ~~five~~ 6:45 schedule. I do my best work at night and at the last minute. This has always been the case. One of the several corny sayings that I throw around on a regularly basis is "pressure creates diamonds." For me that's totally true. I'm one efficient mo-fo when there's a deadline looming (I say, ironically, as I'm writing a post on my blog). But whatever, it'll all get done. It always does.

Knowing I was in for a late one, I was faced with the decision of whether I plug away until it's done, or go to the gym and then come back. I chose the latter, and I've been a machine since then. I work better when I get in a good workout.

Does anyone else think the 9-5 schedule is stupid?

Incentives and weight loss

2008-02-26T19:20:00.000-08:00

In the post below, I noted that keeping in shape is easier when you have benchmarks. Benchmarks simply provide an incentive. For me, that incentive is simply a predetermined task that allows me to measure my accomplishments. Pride, in other words.

Interestingly, the Freakonomics Blog has this guest post by Ian Ayres about incentives and weight loss. Mr. Ayers notes that commercial weight loss programs (Atkins, Ornish, Weight Watchers and Zone) aren't all that effective for keeping weight off for over a year. He came up with a solution:

In the last decade, I’ve yoyo-ed several times. I’d take off a bunch a weight, but by the end of the year I’d put it all back on plus a little extra.

Until this last year, when I did something different. As described in this L.A. Times op-ed, I put $500 each week on safely losing and keeping off my extra weight...

...

I originally had to lose a pound a week (or else lose money). Then I had to keep my weight below my contractual target of 185 pounds.

In contrast to Weight Watchers, which can cost about $500 a year and helps you lose on average 6 or 7 lbs (about 3 percent of your initial weight), I put $500 at risk each week. In equilibrium, I’ve lost 25 pounds (12 percent of my pre-diet body weight) and so far it has cost me nothing.

Based on this principle, Mr. Ayers created StickK.com, a website on which you enter into a commitment contract to do anything from lose weight to quit smoking to reconnect with old friends. The site essentially allows you to place a financial wager on weather or not you achieve your goal. If you accomplish your goal, you get your money back. If you don’t, your money goes to charity or to someone you’ve designated in advance.

Here's where it gets intriguing to me. If I have to pay $500 if I skip my workout today, I probably won't skip it. But if that money is going to the Make-A-Wish Foundation or the Red Cross, it wouldn't really be the end of the world. But what if the money would go to an organization I hate? Think of the possibilities. If you're a Democrat, would you even consider lighting up a cig if it meant that $500 of your money would go to Mike Huckabee's campaign? If you're an atheist, would you consider having a doughnut if you had to lose a pound or donate $500 to your local archdiocese? If you're a Michigan grad, wouldn't it be easier for you exercise every day if missing a day meant a substantial donation to Ohio State University?

What goals do you want to accomplish, and what organization do you find objectionable enough that a donation to said organization would help you accomplish your goals?

Benchmarks

2008-02-26T13:21:00.000-08:00

I think one important factor in getting into peak fitness is setting goals. In the past, I was always in much better shape when I was training for competition. It's always harder to make yourself train hard when there's not an upcoming race or game or competition of some sort. The exception to this was weightlifting. I always liked weightlifting and never competed in it. But with lifting, the benchmarks were clear. If I benched 185lbs 10 times last month, I knew I was improving if I could do 195lbs this month.

One of the great things about Crossfit is that there are many, many benchmarks for measuring your progress. Most of them are short, custom-designed workouts that bear girls' names, like "Angie" (100 pull-ups, 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, 100 air-squats , for time), "Diane" (21+15+9 reps of 225lb deadlifts and handstand push-ups, for time), or "Nancy" (5 rounds of 400 meter run, 15 overhead squats at 95lbs, for time).

[The fact that most of the benchmark workouts have girls' names also makes it fun because you can say things like, "I did Fran last night in five minutes and thirty-two seconds."]

But some of the relevant benchmarks are much simpler. Like pull-ups. When I started Crossfit in early December, I could do about 2 legit pull-ups. When I was in college I could probably do 5 or 6. Last night I did 17. By June 1st I hope to double that.

Does Jason Kendall Suck?

2008-02-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

The short answer to this is: "yeah, pretty much."

Paul at the Wisconsin Sports Bar notes that Kendall is "gritty," which is a fancy way of saying that he sucks but the old-school baseball media likes him for stupid reasons. Paul concludes:

Anyway, he gives everyone a "GRIT" score. Note that being gritty means that you are gritty, and that you are probably bad at baseball. Over the last 25 years, Jason Kendall has 3 of the to 12 scores. He ranks as the 3rd grittiest player of all time with a 214.62 career GRIT, or about 19.51 per year. He trails only Ron Hunt and Craig Biggio. Flotsam also calculated the list of least gritty seasons/players. They feature guys like Ted Williams, Barry Bonds, and Ernie Banks. You know, good players. In closing, Jason Kendall sucks balls, and will be a giant black hole for the Brewers all year. Or until he is replaced.

Paul is probably right for the most part. But it's important to note several things before we completely right off Kendall. The first is that Johnny Estrada sucked a lot too. The second is that maybe Kendall does "call a good game" or bring some other hard-to-measure benefits to the team. Paul doesn't think so. Or at least he doesn't think it's worth factoring in. But I find this relatively interesting. Here are the A's records and ERAs with Kendall catching:

Dan Haren 10-3 2.30 ERA
Joe Blanton 8-5 3.28 ERA
Chad Gaudin 8-3 2.88 ERA
Lenny Dinardo 3-5 2.72 ERA

Here they are after Kendall:

Dan Haren 5-6 4.15 ERA
Joe Blanton 6-5 4.89 ERA
Chad Gaudin 3-10 6.30 ERA
Lenny Dinardo 5-5 5.27 ERA

Now obviously a lot of that has to do with fatigue over a long season and "luck", but those are some pretty huge jumps. If Kendall is at all responsible for improving pitching, I'll take him.

Cuban sandwiches are gross

2008-02-26T08:45:00.000-08:00

In honor of the fall of Castro from power, I had a mojito and some empanadas at Cubanitas last weekend. I'm a big fan of Cubanitas. It's a lively place, with good food and fun drinks, and it's certainly something "different" in Milwaukee. The one exception to the "good food" is the Sandwich Cubano. I can't blame Cubanitas specifically for this disgusting thing, because I'm sure they make a lovely version of it. The problem is the sandwich itself, so I blame the whole country of Cuba. The Cuban sandwich starts off with roasted pork, Virginia ham and Swiss cheese. We're okay so far. Nothing wrong with pig and cheese. But then they start to lose me: a dill pickle. Now, I don't know what the difference between a dill pickle and a sweet pickle is, but I do know that I'd rather eat a bug than either of them. I find pickles to be the absolute most disgusting food on earth (except maybe strawberries) and I'm grossed out when even the juice of one touches some french fries on my plate. But it gets worse: with a mustard- aioli spread. I'm not sure what a mustard-aioli spread is, but I do know it burns my nose when I smell it. That can't be good. All that said, the rest of their food is pretty awesome and it's a great place to go if you're into toasting to the ~~fall~~ stepping down of a cruel dictator. And who isn't?

I heard you guys got some snow

2008-02-07T20:12:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in the Las Vegas airport right now. I'm here for a business trip, which is pretty cool. Or it would be cool if I hadn't lost like $300 at the craps table and had my flight home delayed by four of five hours.

As I was sitting here bored out of my mind, I told myself, "at least it beats a day at the office." But as I thought about it more, I'm not sure it does. I like Las Vegas and all, but this kind of trip can really be a pain in the neck for several reasons.

For one thing, it's expensive. Even though I didn't have to pay for my flight and my room, being in Vegas ain't cheap. Between the casino, the overpriced food and drinks and the ocasional lap dance, your money just flies away.

For another thing, I haven't exercised very much in the last three days. When I was looking for hotels, I made sure to check for a fitness room. But when I got here I learned that the fitness room: (1) Costs $20.00 per day, and (2) Blows. So I did an impromptu workout in my room yesterday (5 rounds of 25 pushups, 50 situps and 75 airsquats) but other than that, I didn't do jack. Well, actually, I probably improved my grip strength by farmer carrying my filecase and suitcase. Imagine the guy below, but instead of a muscular guy in a tank top carrying a bunch of o-plates, think of a wimpy guy in a suit with a big pleather file case full of medical records in one hand and a dufflebag full of other crap in the other.

To make it worse, I've been eating like garbage for the past few days. In actuallity, I wasn't eating any different than I did all the time a few months ago, but now it's making me feel like hell, mentally and physically. I've only been dieting and crossfitting for a few months, but after a few days, I've realized just how much I'm on board with the program. I'm "drinking the kool-aid"* as they say.

*I think it's stupid that crossfitters say that. But they do. I'm not sure why anyone would want their fitness program compared to some suicide cult, but whatever.

That bar is heavier than it looks when you're lunging with it.

2008-01-31T15:25:00.000-08:00

5 X [30 walking overhead lunges, 20 push-presses] I'm the one in the red.

Getting [Cross]fit

2008-01-17T09:33:00.000-08:00

Hello friends, I realize it's been a super long time since I wrote anything, but I'd like to take a minute to tell you about something that's been taking up a little bit of my time over the past two months or so. It's called Crossfit and it's fucking awesome. Sorry about the profanity, but some things require so much emphasis that only an F-bomb adverb can sufficiently modify the "awesome."

As many of you know, I'm no slouch when it comes to working out. I'm no pro either, but my resume includes being a college distance runner and swimmer (full disclosure: Division III) and several triathlons including Ironman Wisconsin in 2004. I've also lifted weights pretty regularly since high school. What I'm saying is that there have been times in my life where I've been in pretty great shape.

Over the past two years or so, I had kind of let myself go. Some shin problems limited my running and the real world limited my time to do much of anything else. Plus I just wasn't as motivated to get in shape anymore. I stepped on the scale in November and was astonished to see that I weighted 192 lbs. I was FAT. Freshman year of college I was about 160lbs - still big for a runner, but it was mostly in my shoulders and I was definitely "fit" any way you sliced it. My weight fluctuated between 160 and 175 or so for years after that. When I ran Ironman three years ago I was around 165lbs. I don't recall ever being over 180 so I was shocked to see that I was over 190lbs!

So in late November I discovered, and started doing, Crossfit. Eight weeks later, I weigh 182 lbs and I'm jacked. My shoulders are bigger, my core is tighter, my legs are stronger and I'm probably just about at the elusive "best shape of my life" point. 182 is still bigger than normal for me, but I look about at good as I've ever looked, and I'm functionally more fit.

What is Crossfit? Crossfit is a training routine used by a lot of stud athletes, soldiers, cops, firefighters and those dudes in the movie 300 [Sort of. The guys in 300 trained with Gym Jones, which is a gym that employes many of the same concepts as Crossfit but it's kind of elitist]. Crossfit was developed by a guy named Greg Glassman. Practitioners like to say that its specialty is not specializing. It trains you in cardiovascular/respiratory endurance, stamina, strength, flexibility, power, speed, agility, balance, coordination and accuracy all at the same time. It embraces gymnastic movements, Olympic lifts (squats, dead-lifts, cleans etc.) and metabolic conditioning and it scoffs at "isolation" exercises. A typical workout lasts around 20 minutes (but more like an hour if you warm up and do a "finisher") so it's easy to fit into a schedule. But it's hard.

Most of the workouts consist of two or three different exercises done without rest and for time. For instance, yesterday I did a workout called "Fran" [Many of the workouts have girls' names. I'm not really sure why.] It consists of two exercises; Thrusters [basically a squat plus a push-press] with 95lbs, and pull-ups. You first do 21 reps of each, then 15 reps of each, and then 9 reps of each. I did it in about 11 minutes, which is actually pretty slow. But give me a break, I'm still working on the pull-ups and can't do more than like 5 in a row during a workout. The point is, it's short, but I guarantee you that you get more out of 11 minutes of Fran then you do from 45 minutes on an elliptical machine.

I'm sure I'll be posting more about crossfit. In the meantime, if you're interested in getting in fucking awesome shape, here's the official website. And if you're local, here's the website for Crossfit Milwaukee. Crossfit Milwaukee lets anyone try the Saturday noon class for free.

Fire Andy Rooney part III

2007-12-04T13:41:00.000-08:00

Andy Rooney's December 3rd piece is about Christmas catalogues. It is a pile of stream-of-conscious nonsense and he should be fired for writing such drivel. His words in italics:

"I get a lot of catalogs at this time of year. I never buy anything in any of them but that doesn't seem to discourage the people who send them to me because I keep getting catalogs from the same companies year after year.

I'm no marketing expert, but the fact that you are holding them up on your show that gets millions of viewers may actually be a pretty good reason for companies to continue to send them to you.

"There's one word that's never mentioned though - not once in any of these. You know what the word is?

Curmudgeon?

"The word "Christmas" is nowhere in any of these 27 catalogs I have. The word they use to replace "Christmas" is "Holiday."

I think they're actually using the term "Holiday" to encompass all of the holidays that fall in December so not to be exclusive, so they have a larger group of buyers. It's called "capitalism."

"It's funny you never hear anyone say "Merry Holiday."

And you never hear people say "Happy Christmas, while you do hear people say "Happy Hanukkah" but not "Merry Hanukkah." And of course, people do say "Happy Holidays." I don't see how the adjective we attach to a particular holiday well-wish matters one bit.

"he "Circuit City" catalog looks as if it wants to sell you a car for Christmas but the ad isn't for cars - it's for a television set. You save $300 instantly, the ad says. Does anyone really believe they save $300 instantly on anything?

My guess is that the sale price is $300.00 less than the regular retail price. So yes, if you buy the TV during the sale, you save $300.00 in a sense.

"All the prices in a lot of ads still end in 99 cents. $29.99, $49.99, $129.99. They've been doing that for years. Do you think that 99 cents stuff still works? Are we really that dumb? We don't realize that $129.99 is really $130?

The marketing people have data that suggests that yes, we are that dumb.

"The Sharper Image" offers 50 percent off on two units. What they don't tell you until down here is that one unit costs $499.95.

Are you worried that consumers will go to the store before verifying the price?

"I wonder how much they paid this nice-looking woman to stand here in her underwear while they took her picture? She probably got more this guy got for lying there in bed, pretending to be asleep.

Whatever it was, they deserved it a lot more than you deserve making whatever you make to spout this ridiculous nonsense.

"Solutions" has 162 gifts for under for under $30, in case you want 162 gifts for under $30.

Or in case you want any one of those 162 gifts for under $30.

I personally like a present better than I like a gift. A gift is apt to be something I take back.

"Gift" and "present" are synonyms. They are not different in any way.

"Monitor The Weather From Your Own Backyard." Well, I do that all the time. I stick my hand out and if it gets wet, I know its raining.

Some people would prefer to know more than what the weather is currently doing.

"1,001 Movies You Should See Before You Die." The average movie is around two hours long so I multiplied it out. It would take you about 83 24-hour days to watch all of these. That's without ever getting up to go to the bathroom, too.

Perhaps their target audience for such a list isn't cantankerous old men? I guarantee you I will watch 1,001 more movies before I die. If I live for 40 more years, that's only 25 per year.

"I don't want to sound negative about all the catalogs I get though. I look through them and really enjoy all the money I save by not buying anything from any of them.

As Martin Sheen said in Wallstreet, "money is only something you need in case you don't die tomorrow." And for you Mr. Rooney, that might not be a bad motto to start living by.

Fire Andy Rooney Part II

2007-12-04T13:25:00.000-08:00

A while back I fisked an article Andy Rooney wrote about baseball. That post gets a lot of hits from people searching for "Andy Rooney baseball" or "Andy Rooney douchebag." I just tried to track down the original article on CBS's website and found an article that is a-a-a-a-almost the same, but a lot of the stuff I called him out on had been changed. For example, the original column said:

"Baseball has never been my game. I never liked it as a kid, probably because I could never throw a ball very well. My friends said I threw like a girl and that's enough to put any young boy off a game. As I've probably told you — after over 4,000 columns it's sometimes hard to remember what I've said before — my father took me to a Yankee game when I was about 10 years old and Joe DiMaggio struck out three times.

"My disinterest in baseball as a kid has lasted all my life. I'm still not interested in the game. I don't watch it on television or follow it in the newspaper. I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, but today's baseball stars are all guys named Rodriguez to me."

The emphasis is mine. But the version on the CBS website says:

"This is the big time of year for baseball fans. I've never been much of a baseball fan myself. My father took me to a Yankees game when I was young and Joe DiMaggio struck out twice. I think that's what cooled me off on baseball. I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig but today's baseball stars are mostly unknown to me."

Emphasis mine again. So he, or CBS, took out the lie about seeing Joe D. play when he was ten (DiMaggio was first brought up to the majors when Andy Rooney was 17 and probably never struck out 3 times in one game) and the racist bit about guys named Rodriguez. Maybe he did it to cut down the word count, but I doubt it.

This just bugs me. This guy has no sense of decency.

Man Man

2007-11-13T14:06:00.001-08:00

On Sunday night I went to the Modest Mouse concert at the Eagles Ballroom. I had some of those "free" tickets where you get in free but have to buy two drinks for $25. Awesome deal. I enjoyed the show, but I'm getting too old to be going to [indie-] rock concerts on Sunday nights. For me, the highlight of the whole night was the opening band. It was this punk band called Man Man. They were like nothing I'd ever seen before. If I had to guess, I'd say their major influences include David Bowie, Blue Man Group and Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem.

These five dirty guys come out, all wearing plain white t-shirts and unusual hair and beards. One looked like a tennis player from the 1970's, another had a giant scruffy hipster beard, stuff like that. They were all clearly on really good drugs. Nothing was conventional about this band. Each member played a bunch of different instruments; from keyboards, guitars and saxophones to steel toms, kazoos and milk jugs. Every member had some sort of percussion instrument. And they jammed. Go see them next time they're in your town. Until then, here are some Man Man clips on youtube:

Tell me what's in the envelope.

2007-11-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

Criss Angel is cooler than I ever would have guessed. There's this new show on NBC called Phenomenon. It's basically American Idol, but replace the singers with "mystics" and "mediums" and crap like that, and replace Simon, Randy that tubby Laker girl with goth magician Criss Angel and spoon-bending douchebag Uri Geller. When I first saw ads for this show I had very low expectations. One thing that drives me nuts is pseudoscience. I can't stands that guys like John Edward (The A-hole that hosts Crossing Over, not the A-hole that's running for president) can become gazillionaires by manipulating vulnerable people.

From the ads, two things struck me as troubling about Phenomenon. The first is that they never described any of the contestants as Magicians. This implies that the contestants are suggesting that what they are doing (reading minds and shit) is not a trick, when it should be obvious that it is just a trick. The second problem with the show is Uri Geller.

Uri Geller came to fame in the 1970's by performing various psychic tricks, bending spoons with his mind, dousing and stuff like that. It's obvious that many Americans are not familiar with Geller or have forgotten his downfall since he has a job. Geller has been debunked time and time again. Perhaps the most famous incident occurred when Geller appeared on The Tonight Show in 1975. Prior to the show, Johnny Carson, an amateur magician himself, contacted friend James Randi, a well-known debunker of pseudoscience. He told them to provide their own spoons and other props. As you might have guessed, Geller couldn't do any of his tricks. Here's a video:

But now Uri Geller is back on network TV propagating his bullshit. Luckily, his co-host is Criss Angel. I was unfamiliar with Angel prior to seeing Phenomenon, but apparently he's a very popular street magician similar to David Blain. He's hosted several specials and a TV show called Mindfreak. Although Angel has been the subject of some controversy, he admits that his act is all trickery and doesn't claim to have any supernatural powers. He's one of the good guys.

On the second episode of Phenomenon, a contestant named Jim Callahan did a performance in which he claimed he was in contact with a dead guy named Raymond who told him what object was in a closed case. Uri Geller ate his performance up. Criss Angel didn't:

Angel took a page out of the James Randi playbook and made Callahan look like what he is, a phony.

No Geoff, thank you.

2007-11-10T09:23:00.000-08:00

Geoff Jenkins is a really classy professional athlete. The Brewers have decided not to pick up his option so his ten year tenure with the team has come to an end. Today he took out a full page ad in the sports section of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel in which he thanked the Brewers, the fans and the city for supporting him. I wish I could link to it, but it's only available in the print version. I have never heard of any player on any team doing something like this in the past and it strikes me as a very classy move. Word is, that that's the kind of guy Jenkins is.

Last year, my 11-year-old cousin lost an important little league game. Afterwords, he and his team went to Kopp's for frozen custard. Jenkins was there with his family. He took the time to hang out with my cousin's team. He took the time to ask a bunch of star-struck little leaguers what team they're on and what position they played and that sort of thing. It seems like everyone I know has a story about meeting Jenkins and they are all very positive. Milwaukee was lucky to have him.

When he joined the team ten years ago, he was "that kid on the Brewers that looked like Brett Favre." Here's a clip from Jenkins's rookie season of him and Favre joking about their similar appearance.

In this state, #4 enjoys god-like admiration. But #5 has made a name for himself over the last ten years as well. Jenkins was the brightest spot in some dismal Brewers seasons and it kills me that we couldn't get him to the playoffs in his last season with the team. He hit 200 home runs for the crew and has a career average of .278. He's been streaky for the last few years but he's still an outstanding defensive player. I'm sure some team will pick him up and I wish him the best of luck. I hope that if Jenkins ever returns to Miller Park, we give him the standing ovation he deserves no matter what color his uniform is. Thanks Jenks.

For Art's Sake

2007-11-08T20:26:00.000-08:00

I spent the better part of today sitting in a conference room that overlooks the sculpture garden on the roof of The Milwaukee School of Engineering's new Grohmann Art Museum. The museum and the collection were donated by Dr. Eckhart Grohmann, an MSOE regent and area rich dude. The collection is titled "Man at work" and features sculptures and paintings from a wide range of styles and time periods that all focus on industry and labor. It strikes me as fitting for an art museum at an engineering school. I haven't visited the museum yet but I'm pretty sure that a lot of the paintings in the collection used to hang in MSOE's library. A while back, I was researching some shit about welding for a fire case I was working on and I noticed that the paintings on the wall at MSOE's library were really great. I spent a half hour walking around looking at paintings there. Lots of glowing molten stuff and people swinging hammers and axes and shit. Don't worry, I didn't bill that time. I'm anxious to check all this stuff out in it's new home at the museum.

Recently this completely private museum that is opened to the public and charges no admission fee and was built due to a multi million dollar gift from a generous man has come under attack by some crusty old art snobs. It started with this old lady named Whitney Gould who chastized the museum because the building is a refurbished warehouse and because the collection contains a bunch of paintings that were commissioned by the Third Reich. She starts with this:

But not to point out its shortcomings would be dishonest. Those shortcomings start with the building itself: a remade garage and former check-processing facility now capped with a heavy, Kaiserkopf dome and a ring of monumental bronze statuary perched along the roofline. The effect is rather like Old World Berlin as reinterpreted by Walt Disney.

And continues:

As my colleague Mary Louise Schumacher and I reported recently, one of the artists most heavily represented in the collection, with 81 works, is Erich Mercker (1891-1973), who was commissioned by the Third Reich to record its muscular infrastructure: bridges on the Autobahn, one of Adolf Hitler's proudest achievements; shipyards building U-boats; factories churning out steel; quarries producing stone for the Chancellery in Berlin, seat of the power in the Reich. At least two other artists in the collection also had Nazi ties. And, according to one of the art historians whom we consulted, some of the figures portrayed in paintings from the war years likely were slave laborers.

What a snotty bitch. She basically says that the Museum has some sort of duty to explain every painting in its historical context or some crap like that, as if a reasonable person couldn't guess that a German artist painting U-Boats being built in 1938 couldn't guess that the commission had some sort of tie to Hitler. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel editorial board echoed this sentiment too.

Ms. Gould and the MJS editorial board strike me as being tremendous tools. I'm admittedly a left-brained person so I really don't "get" art in the same way that many people do. I definitely try to pay attention to art and get some culture now and again, but this kind of thought process--that the meaning or the context needs to be known for the artwork to be enjoyed - drives me bonkers.

I few years ago I read an article about this artist named Christo, who is famous for doing these major outdoor art projects. For example, he wrapped the Reichstag in plastic and placed like 2000 yellow umbrellas along the California coast line. At first I thought Christo sounded nuttier than a squirrel turd, but after I thought about him a little more, I thought he was pretty cool. I'm obviously no expert on Christo, or art in general, but what I liked about him was that whenever he was pressed to explain why he created a particular work, he seemed to respond by saying something like, "because it's beautiful." Nothing pretentious. No cause or symbolism or reason. Just because he thought it looked cool. And usually it did.

I think this bird from the MJS needs to lighten up a bit. When people see the Great Pyramids at Giza I assume they say something like, "Holy shit, that's a big, cool, old building. Nobody says, "there should be a plaque explaining that these were built by slave labor." Just like nobody made Christo put up a sign explaining his umbrellas. This is a museum at a school of engineering. If she wants to be a useful art critic, she should tell us whether or not the collection looks cool.

Uh oh, th Vikings just signed Koy Detmer

2007-11-07T14:32:00.001-08:00

Hah. As much as I was looking forward to seeing Brooks Bollinger start for the Vikings this weekend, Koy Detmer might be even more entertaining. Remember last time he tried to take on Favre?

I don't remember the exact circumstances, but I know Koy (Ed. Who names their child "Koy"?) threw a late TD pass, and thinking he had the game wrapped up, did a celebration dance in which he mimed pulling his junk out and swatting a girl's/guy's (Ed. which do you think he was imagining?) ass as he mimed doing her/him. Very classy Koy. Very classy. So then Favre gets the ball back and.... the Packers win.

"If it could happen to Steve it could happen to anyone"

2007-11-06T20:55:00.000-08:00

I'm watching Access Hollywood while I'm folding my laundry and they're interviewing Terry Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter's wife. She has a new book out in which she discusses Steve's "sixth sense" about his death. Apparently, Steve "somehow knew that he would go suddenly." She added "if it could happen to Steve, it could happen to anyone." Huh? Not to speak ill of the dead, but the man spent his waking hours in the jungle catching snakes and wrestling with crocodiles. And he was kind of a spaz. The only sense it would take to predict that Steve Irwin might meet his end at the hands (or stinger?) of some wild animal is common sense.

Save water, drink beer.

2007-11-06T18:14:00.000-08:00

My old cross country coach always used to say, if it takes more than two beers to get drunk the night after the race, you didn't run hard enough. Apparently, he was on to something.

Having a beer after exercise could do you more good than drinking water, a new study suggests.

I'm not going to quote the rest of the article because it's really poorly written and I want to continue thinking that beer is good for me.

Some off season baseball notes

2007-11-05T18:51:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Moneyball by Michael Lewis. It was awesome. For those of you that aren't familiar with the book, it's about Oakland A's GM Billy Beane and how he fields competitive teams with a low payroll by figuring out which stats are undervalued. Since I'm a pretty frequent reader of Baseball Prospectus and Fire Joe Morgan, I had a basic understanding of Sabermetrics before reading Moneyball, so I'm not going too get into why old-school baseball conventional wisdom is retarded and OBP is the shit. What I do want to know is when are Billy Beane and/or Michael Lewis going to apologize to Prince Fielder?

You see, there's this section about the 2002 draft. A's GM Billy Beane is creaming his jeans over a slugger named Nick Swisher, but he's not sure whether Swisher will be around by the time Beane gets his first pick. In order for that to happen, according to Beane, either the Brewers or the Tigers will have to make a stupid pick. According the Beane, the Brewers did make a stupid pick. They took Prince Fielder. You know, that all-star that became the youngest player to clout 50 dingers this year and was like 3rd in the NL MVP voting. Lewis recounted how Beane mocked the Brewers because Prince Fielder is too fat to be a good baseball player. Beane says he's too fat even for the Oakland A's! [Now I wouldn't go so far as to call the brother fat, I mean he got a weight problem. What's the nigga gonna do? He's Samoan. Or the son of Cecil Fielder]. Whatever. The point is that the whole purpose of Moneyball is to explain that you can't pick players because of how they look. Stats tell you what scouts can't. And Prince Fielder is a prime example. Because he's really really awesome, even if he's built like Babe Ruth. Wait, he was pretty good at baseball too. If you're going to suggest that it's important to judge a player by how he plays rather than how he looks, Prince Fielder was obviously a pretty good pick.

Speaking of baseball, an interesting possibility has recently entered into the consciousness of the Brewers' front office and fans. Blogger/starting pitcher Curt Schilling announced on his blog that he was filing for free agency for the first time in his 21-year career. He also put up a list of teams that he wanted to play for:

The list of teams that our family has talked over, that we think would be a fit for next year, should we not come back, are pretty much teams in cities we agree would be ok for our last year, and teams I think have a legitimate shot at being in the post season and/or World Series. Teams we didn’t include aren’t for any one reason. There are a million little things that go into this from stadiums to school districts to travel to spring training to etc. etc. etc. but the list represents the teams after Boston that have some of the off the field things that are big to us, plus the potential to go into October next year.

Cleveland, Detroit, Anaheim, New York Mets, Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A., S.D., Arizona, Chicago Cubs, St. Louis, Milwaukee

Huh? Milwaukee makes your list due, in part, to it's chances of making the post season? This is outstanding for a number of reasons.

To begin with, it speaks volumes about what Doug Melvin, Mark A and the rest of the Brewers organization have done with the team over the last few years. A big ticket free agent is looking at us. Granted, he's in his forties, but he just won a bunch of post season games and I think he's got another good year left in him. The fact of the matter is that if Curt Schilling thinks we're good, we just might be.

Secondly, I really hope we actually sign him! He's looking for around $12 to 15 Million for a one year contract. That's pretty spendy, but rumor has it we're considering throwing that much at Cordero and he's a closer. Now, I love CoCo, but if Billy Beane was wright about one thing, it's that closers are overvalued. They're main stat, "saves," is easily faked and they usually have short shelf-lives (is that the plural of "shelf-life?"). A kick-ass SP is a better use of $15 Million than a kick-ass RP.

Update: And like that *poof* he was gone.

getting hurt, watching foreign flicks

2007-10-23T21:06:00.001-07:00

Last night I sprained my ankle big time. It totally blows. I was playing a little bit of ultimate frisbee, went up for the disk and just landed wrong. I herd a snap and it hurt like hell. I thought it was broken for sure but that sound was just the sound of ligaments snapping. I'm on crutches now. My insurance company bought some crutches for me for like $48.00, which strikes me as a little pricey. I bet Walmart has the same ones foe a few bucks. I also broke my dining room table by leaning on it too hard as I was trying to walk without my crutches. So I made it a short work day today. I think I deserve it. I meant to do some work from my couch while I elevated, iced and applied compression, but the ~~drugs~~ situation made that difficult. I watched two foreign flicks instead. They both made me feel helpless because I can't walk, but they were both totally awesome too.

The first one was called The Flying Scotsman. It's an English biopic about Graeme Obree, a Scottish cyclist that broke the Hour record in 1993, and again in 1994. Most people, and most Americans in particular, aren't familiar with the Hour record in cycling. When we think of cycling, we think of stage races like the Tour de France. The Hour is exactly what it sounds like. Whichever cyclist can ride the farthest distance in one hour owns the record. Cyclists that attempt the Hour do it in a velodrome, and usually by themselves. One of the main reasons why Lance Armstrong isn't the greatest cyclist of all time is that he never did anything but the Tour. He never even tried the Hour. Eddy Merckx, on the other hand, held the Hour record for 12 years on top of his 5 Tours de France.

The Flying Scotsman focuses on Obree's life from just before his first attempt at the Hour in 1993 to just after his second Pursuit title in 1995. Obree was a very good cyclist, but he was great at the Hour. Part of the reason was that he designed his own bike an riding style, and part of it was that he was tough as nails. Prior to his first attempt, he built his bike out of spare parts, he even took the main bearing out of his washing machine. He narrowed the bottom bracket to make the foot position more natural and streamlined the bike to reduce resistance. He also rode in a "crouch position" in which his chest touched his hands.

He made his first attempt on a professionally designed bike that incorporated all of the new ideas that he put into his original prototype. He didn't break the record. Then he tried again on the actual prototype with the washing machine bearing. This second attempt took place less than 24 hours after his first attempt. He broke the record.

Obree ran into a lot of opposition from the UCI, cycling's governing body. After his first Hour record, they banned his riding position (for "safety" reasons) by making it illegal for a rider's chest to touch his hands. In response, Obree started riding like this:

Ultimately, this position was banned (for "safety" reasons) too, after Obree had retired. Anyway, Obree's story is pretty fascinating and The Flying Scotsman tells it pretty accurately. Obree himself even stands in for some of the cycling scenes.

The other foreign flick I watched was called District B13 and it was fucking awesome. District B13 stars this dude named David Belle that invented this shit called parkour. You know that first scene in Casino Royale when Daniel Craig is chasing that dude that runs and jumps all over buildings and construction equipment? That's parkour. It's basically like martial arts geared towards the "flight" reaction instead of the "fight" reaction. Here's a video of David Belle doing some parkour:

District B13 takes place in a near future France in which ghettos have been walled off and left to their own, with no police or schools or anything like that. The "plot" revolves around Bell's character, a resident of one of these ghetto's that teams up with a cop, also proficient in parkour, to take down the gang of dorky wigger (is that word un-PC? I really don't know. If it is, and it offended anyone, I apologize) thugs that run District B13. Awesomeness ensues.

Okay, that's all I got. I'm going to go ice, elevate etc.

Does anyone know how to get vomit out of suede?

2007-10-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

Last week my buddy J threw a late Oktoberfest party. Lots of friends came from out of town, lots of German beer was consumed and former roomie B's fiance C threw up all over my jacket at a bar. The next morning I made breakfast for 16 people. Luckily I was still drunk [ergo not yet hung over] when I started cooking so I was able to pull it off. I started feeling sick around 4 or 5 pm and was asleep by 7:30. I'm still dead-tired from all of this and I have heartburn. What a drag it is getting old. Besides the hangover, I also feel old because my friend Local Celebrity Dan brought his new baby over to the breakfast. My friends have babies = I'm old. Local Celebrity Dan's baby is pretty frickin cute, but it sure looks like a lot of work. I think I'll hold off on making babies for a while. I've also been swamped at work, which is part of the reason I haven't posted in a while. [The other part of the reason is that I'm totally boring and have nothing to post about]. So today's post is going to just be a couple links about some former Packers.

The JS is reporting that Milwaukee's new arena football team named its new head coach: Gilbert Brown. This strikes me as a move to put buts in the seats, not to win games. Maybe that's not fair to Gilbert. Maybe he's a genius, but I don't think so. A friend of mine once got Gilbert's autograph at a Hardy's. This friend has a hyphen in his first name. It's French. When Gilbert asked him to spell his name, Gilbert looked dumb-founded when my friend said "hyphen" and then he proceeded to make a comma instead of a hyphen. It's probably the awesomest autograph I've ever seen.

In other Green Bay news, Packer legend Max McGee passed away on Saturday. The 75-year old fell off his roof as he was cleaning out the gutter and I can't think of a worse way for a guy like McGee to go out. Max McGee wasn't your typical straight-laced Lombardi era Packer. He was a party animal. His most well known tale involves his Super Bowl I performance, and more interestingly, the night before. John Wiebusch at AOL Sports has a fantastic article about the night and the big game.

The morning sun was peeking its nose over the palm trees on Sunset Boulevard and the still-lit neon lights of the Whiskey-a-Go-Go were almost surreal in the early morning glow of Jan. 15, 1967.

Max McGee, wide receiver for the Green Bay Packers and man about town in every town he passed through, was saying good night and/or good morning - it all depended on your point of view - to three full-figured stewardesses, two in the fashion rage of the day - hot pants - and one in a mini-skirt.

"Ladies," McGee went on, "it’s been a festival, as always. You are all too beautiful for words. I only hope that I more than made up for the disappointment of Paul Hornung not being here."

"Oh, Max, you were just WON-derful," said the one in pink leather hot pants.
They hugged him and he squeezed back as three cabs arrived - one to take one of the stews to her day job in the friendly skies, another to take the other two home. McGee slipped $20 bills into the cabbies' hands.

The third cab would take Max McGee back to his day job, momentarily operating out of the Hilton Hotel on Wilshire Boulevard, near downtown Los Angeles and a 10-minute ride from the Los Angeles Coliseum, where the pro football team for whom he played, the Green Bay Packers, would meet the Kansas City Chiefs that afternoon for bragging rights in pro football.

Forty-five minutes later, Max McGee was running a screen pattern through the lobby of the Hilton, using potted plants and pillars as his cover to avoid the one man he did not want to see - head coach Vince Lombardi...

Read the whole thing.

Tax Rally

2007-10-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

Which of these two gentleman do you think is making the more profound argument?

Nobody knocks off an old man in my neighborhood and gets away with it.

2007-10-09T23:57:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, as I was recovering from last Friday, I watched this flick called Disturbia. Disturbia is somewhat of a remake of the classic thriller, The Burbs. In this incarnation, Tom Hanks's everyman character Ray Patterson is replaced by an angst-ridden teen named Kale, played by Transformers star Shia LaBeouf, while Hanks's Burbs detective associates, the bumbling Art (Rick Ducommun), and the paramilitary nut Rumsfeld (Bruce Dern) are replaced by Asian stereotype Ronnie (Aaron Yoo) and really really really hot chick Ashley (Sarah Roener).

In Disturbia, Kale is sentenced to a summer of house arrest and passes time by spying on his neighbors. He becomes convinced that one of his neighbors is a mass murderer and attempts to investigate with the help of Ronnie and Ashley. Like The Burbs, Disturbia attempts to make you question whether or not the neighbor is really a killer, or is the protagonist just crazy. There's nothing particularly new or brilliant about Disturbia, but it was a solid popcorn flick. LaBeouf is actually a pretty good actor and I bet we will see him in bigger and better roles in the future (well, obviously not bigger and better than Transformers). And Sarah Roemer is really really hot and she has cute freckles. It's worth seeing just for that. If you like hot chicks with cute freckles. Like I do.

Also, I heard it's similar to some other movie called Rear Window too, which I can only assume is another remake of The Burbs.

But What About the Herfindahl Index?

2007-10-09T23:04:00.000-07:00

The big news of the day 'round these parts is that American brewing giants Miller and Coors will be joining forces to combat the evil empire, Anheuser Busch. When I was a kid I remember asking my dad a lot of questions about business. And about the beer he drank (Miller). I was a weird kid. Anyway, I remember him telling me that Anheuser Busch had about a 50% market share in America while Miller had about a 20% market share and Coors had about a 10% market share (these numbers ave been substantially rounded). So even if Miller and Coors combined, Busch would still be the dominant player when it comes to watery American beer. This was an actual dinner conversation that took place during my youth:

Me: But Dad, wouldn't they be more competitive with Busch if they did combine?

Dad: Actually Danny, according to the government, they wouldn't be allowed to combine because the government would figure out the Herfindahl Index and find the merger to be anti-competitive. Currently, the Herfindahl Index would look like this [writing: (.5 * .5) + (.2 * .2) + (.1 * .1) = .29] But if Miller and Coors merged, the Herfindahl index would look like this [writing: (.5 * .5) + (.3 * .3) = .34] When the concentration is already over .1, any merger that would raise it more than .025, is presumed to be anti-competitive.

Me: Oh, so because there are already three major companies, it has a high concentration as it is. And since the market share would be concentrated into fewer companies, it's not allowed?

Mom: How did my family end up like this?

So now I'm confused. The illustration I've always used to remember how the Herfindahl Index works is happening, and there doesn't seem to be a problem with it. I better go call my dad...

In other beer news, an "editorial" in the paper last week "argued" that Milwaukee Should Have a First-class Beer Museum. I whole-heartedly agree. Duh. Apparently, there's not one, but two competing groups attempting to get the ball rolling on a beer museum in Milwaukee.

Two groups in the city are working to create a museum. The Museum of Beer & Brewing, headed by Jim Haertel, hopes to open a museum in one of the buildings he owns at the old Pabst Brewing works. The other group, the Milwaukee Beer Museum, has a storefront on S. 5th St. Both groups have memorabilia and a dream. But it will take a major backer to create such a museum.

Each of these groups have a museum of sorts already, but they are both trying to get the funds to make their beer museums "world-class." I salute them both and wish them luck in completing that task. From the Milwaukee Beer Museum's mission statement:

The Milwaukee Beer Museum is a collecting museum and educational organization dedicated to preserving and promoting the rich history and positive cultural impact of beer and the brewing arts.

The positive cultural impact of beer. Awesome. I'm on board. Where can I make a donation? Also, why don't these two companies combine and make one world class beer museum together. If Miller and Coors can do it, why can't The Museum of Beer and Brewing and the Milwaukee Beer Museum? I'd even calculate the Herfindahl Index for them.

This Majik Moment

2007-10-08T12:55:00.000-07:00

I'm totally worthless today. Yesterday I made a pilgrimage to Lambeau Field to watch the Packers get beaten by an obviously inferior Chicago Bears team. Losing games like this really blows. A loss is one thing. A loss to a rival is a little worse. But a loss to a rival that you completely outplay is just painful. I went to college close to the Wisconsin/Minnesota border so the Packer/Viking rivalry began to take precedence over the Packer/Bear rivalry. Now that I'm back in south-eastern Wisconsin, I'm starting to remember how much I hate the Bears. Although the game pretty much sucked I did have a pretty fun time, all things considered.

I rolled into The Bay Area around 1:00 and met up with my buddy J. J is a Detroit native and a Lions fan. Seriously, he likes the Lions. But since he moved to Green Bay, he's become somewhat of a Packer fan and has attended several Packer games. We watched football and drank beer for a while at his place. God refused to help John Kitna and the Lions win. Interestingly, Kitna did not attribute his loss to God in the same way he attributes his victories to God. But whatever. I'm sure God had his reasons for screwing the Lions. After the Lions game, J and I left for Lambeau Field. We met up with one of my honorary uncles for a few beers, and you'll never guess who was tailgating right next to us...

Don Fucking Majkowski. The Majik Man himself. Majik Man left before I could get a picture with him, but one member of our group happened to be wearing the classic "After further review... the Bears Still Suck" t-shirt [referencing Don's famous overturned forward pass play]and Don signed it. Nice.

After a few more beers, we headed into the stadium to watch the depressing game. The Pack actually looked good in the first half and if not for two key fumbles by a rookie reciever, we would have run away with it. That's all I'm going to say about that.

After the game, we decided to get some food at Hooters to wait for the crowd to die down. As we were waiting for our sandwiches, our cute waitress Megan pointed out that Al Harris had just walked in. Al was sporting a three-piece suit with pinstripes and was escorted by three rather unattractive women. Megan told us that a lot of the Packers would probably be stopping by. She added that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were in town for the game and her manager was told that they'd be stopping by as well. This set off my bologna detector. Seeing Al Harris was one thing, but what the hell would Justin Timberlake be doing in Green Bay... at Hooters? I don't know if they ever showed up at Hooters, but I did learn this morning that JT and Jessica Biel were indeed at the game. But that's fine. Seeing Majik Man was enough for me.

A Book, a Movie, and a TV Show

2007-10-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

Baseball season is over so it's time to entertain myself in other ways. So here's brief list of stuff I've been reading, watching, and.. uh... watching. Maybe I'll try to do something like this periodically.

Book: More Sex is Safer Sex: The Unconventional Wisdom of Economics, by Stephen Landsburg. This is one of those pop-economics books that have been popping up since the success of Dubner and Levitt's Freakonomics. Like Freakonomics and Landsburg's earlier book, The Armchair Economist, it's a collection of essays that discuss the underlying economics of everyday situations. In particular, it explains why "conventional wisdom" in many situations is wrong. The title chapter argues that the spread of STDs would decrease if people that have no sex, or very little sex would have more sex. The argument goes like this: Say that if you're a woman (You can switch the genders around in this example if you want to. You can even just switch one if you're into that.) on the prowl and there are 4 dudes in the bar that you're willing to bed. Two of them are very promiscuous and the other two only venture out once a year. Assuming that the two man-whores are more likely to have herpes, your odds of finding a safe mate are around 50%. Now assume that you could magically make every dude that only bones once a year into a dude that bones twice a year. Then, on any given night, there would be twice as many of these relatively safe dudes out on the prowl, including our hypothetical evening. Your odds of safe sex mating would go up to 66%. And there's like a multiplier affect because then when you go bed some other dude, you'll have less chance of spreading herpes yourself. Get it? Increased activity by sexual conservatives, according to Landsburg, would slow down the spread of STDs.

But Landsburg's point in this chapter, and most of his other chapters, is that the benefits of doing something like this are mostly for others, not for the sexual conservative choosing to get it on more often. He'd obviously receive the benefit of getting laid more often, but he'd only be sharing the benefit of a safer pool of partners with a jillion other people. It's this problem that he really analyzes. If the only good that is caused by a particular one of my actions is a benefit to everyone else rather than a benefit to me, what motivates me to act that way? Here's where I started to get a little uneasy with some of Landsberg's ideas. He pretty much wants to subsidize everything. That's not something you hear a lot of economists saying, but he things the government should pay sexual conservatives to have sex (and pay them with condoms), pay jurors to find verdicts, and fine them for bad verdicts, and it should buy every patent and put it into the public domain. This stuff all sounded crazy to me at first, but Landsburg has a way of almost convincing you that these are great ideas. Whether or not you buy into anything he says, it's an interesting read and a great way to see how an interesting mind works.

Movie: Children of Men was a pretty heavy movie. It was really well made if you're into artistic shit like cinematography and "style." It's got some Citizen Cain style newsreel stuff in it, and a single shot action battle sequence that is really really cool. All this stuff was secondary to the story about a post-apocalyptic future in which nobody can have babies and everyone has lost hope and gone bonkers. Great Britain is the only functioning government left and it's being torn apart by a flood of refugees and terrorist groups. Clive Owen ends up finding a pregnant chick and trying to escort her... somewhere. It doesn't really matter where because this is one of those road movies where the journey is more important than the destination. It was a solid movie, but I have a hard time with movies where the journey is more important than the destination. I'd rather the story teller finishes their story than leave it up to me to interpret. But it's well worth watching regardless.

TV Show: Season two of Dexter started Monday. Before I talk about Dexter, I need to say that Showtime is the best network on TV and those bastards at Time Warner totally sold me on it by giving it to me free for 6 months. I know HBO generally defines what constitutes great television drama, or "dramady" in some cases, but with the [non-]death of the Sopranos, Deadwood, and that show with all those ugly chicks in New York City, Showtime has a stronger overall lineup right now. Showtime's lineup now includes one outstanding show in Weeds, and at least four very very good shows in Bullsh!t, Dexter, Brotherhood and Californication. Bullsh!t was great in it's first two seasons but has declined somewhat due to the fact that they're running out of bullshit. That's good for society I suppose, but bad for TV. But I digress.

The hero and title character of Dexter is a serial killer. That premise alone is just so interesting. In Silence of the Lambs and it progeny, they made us a little sympathetic to Hannibal by having him find respect for Jodie Foster and kill that weaselly vice principal dude from Bostin Public. But we still all knew Hannibal was a bad guy. Dexter is actually a pretty good guy, despite the fact that he's murdered tens or hundreds of people. The premise is that Dexter was raised by his stepfather, a cop named Harry. Harry realized pretty early that Dexter was crazy and would probably end up a killer. So Harry trained him to control his urges using what Dexter refers to as "the code of Harry." He still kills, but he only kills bad guys. He finds out who the bad guys are through his work as a forensics cop specializing in blood spatter analysis. This skill also helps him make his own crime scenes perfectly clean. At first I found this premise a little too far fetched, but as I watched the show, I got into it. It helps that Michael C. Hall (the dude from Six Feet Under) plays the part so well.

This season begins with Dexter unable to kill, but he doesn't see this as a good thing. Which is kind of weird. Meanwhile, and more intriguing, some divers find the place where Dexter dumps all the bodies of his victims. That's about all we got in that story line, but I'm interested to see how the public reacts when they start identifying Dexter's victims, who are all really really bad guys.

Cognitive Dissonance

2007-10-01T13:03:00.000-07:00

I try to avoid talking about politics on this here rag. As I stated in my first post, I get kind of ornery when I talk about politics. Some people say that I "push buttons" when I debate politics. I don't try to push buttons. I just think that my mind works a little differently than most people's minds do. This post is not about politics. It's about cognitive dissonance. If reading this post makes you want to argue with me about global warming, you are missing the point, which would be fitting for a post about cognitive dissonance.

I'm a big fan of Scott Adams, the guy that writes the Dilbert comic strip. He also wrote several awesome books, including a "thought experiment" called God's Debris. [I highly recommend God's Debris. One friend of mine described it as philosophy porn. He meant this to be an insult. But I think it's a fitting description, which is one reason it's awesome.] Scott Adams wrote a great post on his blog a few days ago about cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is basically the misconstruing of information that conflicts with what you already believe in order to ignore that information and reinforce your beliefs. Adams suggests that people that study economics are immune to cognitive dissonance. He states:

I studied economics in college. One thing I’ve noticed is that other people who have studied economics tend to think a similar way. Some of the similarity is probably because it takes a certain kind of person to be interested in economics in the first place. But I’m convinced that the study of economics changes brains in a way I can identify after about five minutes of conversation. In particular, I think the study of economics makes you relatively immune to cognitive dissonance.

The primary skill of an economist is identifying all of the explanations for various phenomena. Cognitive dissonance is, at its core, the inability to recognize and accept other explanations. I’m oversimplifying, but you get the point. The more your brain is trained for economics, the less it is susceptible to cognitive dissonance, or so it seems.

The joke about economists is that they are always using the phrase “On the other hand.” Economists are trained to recognize all sides of an argument. That seems like an easy and obvious skill, but in my experience, the general population lacks that skill. Once people take a side, they interpret any argument on the other side as absurd. In other words, they are relatively susceptible to cognitive dissonance.

My degrees are not in economics [but I did set the curve in the handful of economics classes I took, because I'm totally fuckin awesome] but that's the way my mind works too. This is why it's a bad idea for me to talk about politics. I almost never speak from the point of view of either of the popular parties, so I end up pissing off people that do see things from the point of view of either of the popular political parties in the U.S. For example, people that are in favor of regulating cigarette smoking often note that an individual's smoking habit doesn't just affect that individual because health care costs are often shouldered, at least in part, by society. I will respond that health care costs of smokers are not always higher, in fact many studies show that they are lower, than health care costs of non-smokers. [Because smokers rarely get old. They die before Alzheimer's sets in or before nursing homes are needed, but after they have done their primary earning and tax-paying. In other words, dieing is cheap, living is expensive.] When I say stuff like this, people almost always assume that because I think that the costs of health care for smokers that are shouldered by society might not be a good reason to regulate smoking, that I must think that there are no good reasons to regulate smoking. Or that the people dieing is good because it saves money. Sometimes people even assume I smoke when I say stuff like that. Or worse, that I'm a member of some political party. But really, I try to look at each argument on all sides of every debate. Sometimes there are strong arguments coming from all angles, even if most people won't listen to them. Just because I agree with one point, doesn't mean that I agree with the whole Seurat. And just because I hold a particular view on a topic doesn't mean all of the counter-points to my view are wrong.

Adams points to a particularly compelling example of cognitive dissonance on Bill Maher's HBO show. The show featured Bjorn Lomborg, a Danish statistician that wrote a few books about global warming. Here is a clip of the show:

Adams breaks down Lomborg's argument like this:

The economist made the following points clearly and succinctly:

1. Global warming is real, and people are a major cause.

2. When considering the problems that global warming will cause, we shouldn't ignore the benefits of global warming, such as fewer deaths from cold.

3. The oceans rose a foot in the last hundred years, and the world adapted, so the additional rise from global warming might not be as big a problem as people assume.

4. Developing economical fossil fuel alternatives is the only rational solution to global warming because countries such as China and India will use the cheapest fuel, period. If only the developed countries who can afford alternatives change their ways, it’s not enough to make a dent in the problem.

The Danish economist’s argument doesn't fall into the established views about global warming. He wasn't denying it is happening, or denying humans are a major cause. But he also wasn’t saying we should drive hybrid cars, since he thinks it won’t be enough to help. He thinks we need to make solar (or other alternatives) more economical. That’s the magic bullet. His views don’t map to either popular camp on this issue, and it created a fascinating cognitive dissonance in Bill Maher (a fan of hybrid cars) and his panelists.

Maher (who I think is really great most of the time) even says, "...20 years later, this guy is going to say, 'You know what? Yeah, there is global warming." But Lomborg did say "yeah, there is global warming" just minutes before! It's astounding really. But the cognitive dissonance doesn't end there. Adams's post was clearly about cognitive dissonance. It clearly was not about his position on global warming. Fittingly, a dude named Richard Bell, a writer for a weblog called The Daily Kos, commented on Adam's post in one of the most remarkable displays of cognitive dissonance I've ever seen.

I love Dilbert. But after reading Dilbert creator Scott Adams' recent blog entry on Bjorn Lomborg (author of Cool It: A Skeptical Environmentalist Looks at Global Warming), I can see that Adams doesn't necessarily share Dilbert's wonderful skepticism when it comes to evaluating a salesman like Lomborg.

Adams saw Lomborg on Bill Maher's show, where Lomborg was appearing via satellite. [...] As per usual, Lomborg ran through his grossly misleading arguments about polar bears, and the like, all the while insisting that he brought "a sense of proportion" to the debate over climate change.

Writing on the Dilbert blog, Adams finds Lomborg entirely reasonable, swallowing the Mythical Middle argument hook, line, and sinker:

"The Danish economist's argument doesn't fall into the established views about global warming. He wasn't denying it is happening, or denying humans are a major cause. But he also wasn't saying we should drive hybrid cars, since he thinks it won't be enough to help."

Notice how easily Adams slips into equating climate change deniers with people who promote driving hybrid cars, as if both groups were equally extreme, while Lomborg's analysis places him above this ignorant clash of armies in the night.

Since Dilbert the comic character usually keeps his wits about him, I can only conclude that, in one of those obscure signs of the true glory of human creativity, it's possible for a comic character to sometimes be smarter than his own creator.

Adams clearly did NOT equate climate change deniers with people who promote driving hybrid cars. He was just saying that Lomborg's position is different than that of climate change deniers and different than hybrid car promoters. That does not make them equal positions. Adams was only saying that Maher et. al. were wrong to characterize Lomborg as a climate change denier because he isn't a climate change denier. The very first thing he said in the interview is that climate is changing and that we are causing it.

This Daily Koss writer totally missed the point. All Adams said was that he gets Lomborg's argument, not that he agrees with it. Bell's cognitive dissonance prevented him from seeing that Adams wasn't talking about global warming. He was talking about people like Bell. A commenter pointed this out and Bell tried to "clarify" by showing even more cognitive dissonance. Seriously, this guy is so so so wrong it's ridiculous. He states:

Here's the problem with Adams' description of the interview: Adams adopts a position which unintentionally leaves the reader with a false understanding of the nature of the scientific debate about global warming. The reason I use the term "false" is because Adams (and Lomborg) presents the debate as if there were two more or less equal sides, when there are not:

Here's the quote from Adams' thoughts on the Lomborg interview on the Maher show, with the "equal side" phrase in bold:

"The Danish economist’s argument doesn't fall into the established views about global warming. He wasn't denying it is happening, or denying humans are a major cause. But he also wasn’t saying we should drive hybrid cars, since he thinks it won’t be enough to help. He thinks we need to make solar (or other alternatives) more economical. That’s the magic bullet. His views don’t map to either popular camp on this issue, and it created a fascinating cognitive dissonance in Bill Maher (a fan of hybrid cars) and his panelists."

There is only one popular camp, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC). Yes, there are climate scientists who disagree with the conclusions of the IPCC....

Bell states that there is only one popular camp. But given the fact that this is a debate, there must be at least two popular camps, regardless of whether one of them is objectively right on some aspect of the debate. And there are many views that don't fall into either popular camp, like Lomborg's. All Adams was saying is that Lomborg is not on the "global warming is a hoax" camp. Early on in the interview, Lomborg stated that he got his data from the IPCC, that he agrees with the data, and that global warming is real and that we're causing it. He's not relying on scientific data from scientists that disagree with the IPCC.

Bell clearly detests Lomborg and isn't willing to entertain any positive critique of him, even if that critique is simply that Adams gets his argument. Bell's attempt to "clarify" should be used as an example of cognitive dissonance in schools. This is something we all need to be aware of because studies show that cognitive dissonance will cause more deaths in the next 50 years than global warming.

I'm sure glad he didn't say goodbye.

2007-09-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

NFL - It's Hard to Say Goodbye

Posted Feb 04, 2007

For some football fans, it's very hard to say goodbye.

Seasons change

2007-09-30T13:47:00.001-07:00

Baseball season is officially over for my Brewers. After starting off 24 and 10, they faltered and lost their division lead to the evil Cubs. Many fans are looking at this season as a disapointment. And in a lot of ways it was. We started out hot as frickin Africa, and ended up very mediocre. We lost a lot of games due to poor management. We had a few key injuries. We made a lot of errors. Many fans showed their disapproval in unrpoductive ways. But in the grand scheme of Milwaukee baseball, it was a great season. Although I was ready to cut my wrists last Thursday and Friday, I feel a lot better today. Although we were out of the playoffs, they played toughthis weekend. And we posted our first winning season in 15 years. We're going to come back a year older and a year wiser. With the team we have, that year means a lot. A lot of people don't want to see Yost come back. I'm not sure what to think about that, but I do think, that if he does come back, he too will come back a year older and a year wiser and we won't see nearly as many mistakes next year. Perhaps in the off season he can finish reading Managing a Professional Baseball Team for Dummies and learn that you shouldn't have position players bunt with two strikes or keep your best relief pitcher on the bench when there's a fire burning on the bases. I'll be sad to see Jenkins go if he does in fact go. He gave a lot to this team. He was a shining light in some pretty dismal seasons. It's sad that we couldn't get him to the playoffs. I'd love to give him another chance but it's probably not in the cards with his contract up. But we do know that next year the team will have Weeks, Hardy, Braun, Fielder, Hart, Hall, Gillardo and Villanueava. That's a group that can only improve when you raise the average age a year, up to 15 or 16 or whatever. We'll have to be on the lookout for some relief pitchers and maybe a corner outfielder. I'm looking forward to next season, but I definitely want to thank my Brewers for this great season. To quote some country western music singer; I could have missed the pain, but then I'd have had to miss the dance. I'm not sure that good 'ol boy was talking about baseball, but this season was a great dance. Thanks Brewers!

Now it's time to concentrate on the undefeated Packers.

...and never, ever feed him after midnight.

2007-09-27T06:08:00.000-07:00

Well, the Brewers are just about done for the season. I haven't totally given up as long as we're mathematically still in it and chasing the chokingest team that ever choked. Last night's game was a disaster and it didn't have to be. I like Ned Yost, but he's shown all year that he can't manage a bullpen. Last night, after Yost was ejected, we learned that Mike Maddux and Dale Sveum can't manage a bullpen either. Everyone in the bar I was at knew Turnbow was done after two batters. I knew before he even went in. When they finally did pull him, they brought in Brian Schouse, a true LOOGy (Lefty One Out Guy), to pitch to two right handed batters and then pulled him to let Spurling, A righty, pitch to a left handed batter. This is precisely the opposite of what a competent manager would have done. A competent manager might also have let the best relief pitcher in the National League put that fire out. All the news this morning is about McClung beaning Pujols, but I refuse to believe that the loss of McClung and one base runner should make for a situation our bullpen can't get out of if you use them right.

The first mistake was breaking the Turnbow Rules. Turnbow is a very talented pitcher. But he's also totally bonkers. There are certain situations in which he dominates. There are other certain situations in which he loses games big time. After watching him pitch for a few seasons, it's pretty clear what these situations are. I really believe that Turnbow could be a useful tool out of the bullpen if our coaches followed these three simple rules:

1) Never pitch Turnbow two days in a row. Yost likes for him to be the 8th inning guy when we're ahead. The problem is that if we're ahead two days in a row, Turnbow pitches two days in a row. And he usually blows it one of those times. Turnbow's ERA on no rest is 8.72 (in 27 games). His ERA on one day of rest is 1.05 (26 in games)and on two days it's 0.00 (in 7 games). Turnbow should pitch every other day or so regardless of what the score is.

2) Only put Turnbow in in the beginning of an inning. Do not let him inherit any runners. They will score. Turnbow's opponent average when he starts an inning is .088. With runners on it's .241. With runners in scoring position it's .345. Opponent OBP in those situations is 323 and 424 respectively.

3) If Turnbow walks even ONE batter, pull him. You shouldn't walk any batters if you're the set up man. And Turnbow is most certainly not the kind of pitcher that takes a while to warm up. He's either on or off. And when he's off, he is OFF. When that levy cracks, the flood is coming unless you minimize the damage by pulling him.

Packers, Brewers, and what about Ralph Malph?

2007-09-26T15:37:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I updated this rag, and for that I apologize. I've been ~~busy~~ lazy. I have a few things to tell you jerks about though, so here's a random list of stuff.

Pilgrimage. On Sunday I attended the football match between the Chargers from San Diego and the Packers from Green Bay. My brother got the tickets sort of last minute so we didn't get a chance to go all out tailgate-wise. We rolled into "the bay area" around 10:15 and headed up to Curly's Pub. Curly's is a great alternative to tailgating. It's a cool bar right inside Lambeau Field, and remarkably, it's usually not that crowded. The bro and I each got a few beers and a pulled pork sammich and headed into the decidedly unfrozen tundra. The 85 degree weather was a rare treat since I usually end up at mostly December games (I have both the Raiders on 12/9 game and the Lions on 12/30 on my calendar this year). Another rare treat (at least rare in recent years) was the dominant performance of the Pack against a tough Charger team. I love the pass-happy west coast offense and I LOVE Brett Favre. I really do. Nothing beats watching that ol' gunslinger complete a sweet pass and then jump around like a kid on Christmas. Except maybe watching him run the ball for a first down. As great as the Jennings TD was, my favorite play of the game was when they lined up with two backs, shifted them both two receivers while the Charger's D geeked out, and then had their 50-year-old QB run the ball. Awesome stuff.

Brewers. On Monday I went to the Brewer game. The Brewers basically need to win out if the Cubs play .500 ball for the rest of the season. It's a daunting task, but the way we've looked the last few nights, it just might be possible. Last night, Prince clouted dingers #49 and #50 making him the youngest player ever to hit 50 in a season. Nice.

The Fonz. VisitMilwaukee, a group that promotes tourism here in Milwaukee, is hoping to erect a bronze statue of Fonzie on the corner of Wisconsin Ave. and Water St., right by my office. I like this. Because what's Fonzie like? Come on Yolanda what's Fonzie like? [Cool?] What? [He's cool.] Correctamundo. And that's what we're gonna be.

Lots or people that are not from Wisconsin automatically think of Happy Days when they hear mention of our state. And hey, that's better than Dahmer, right? There's a bronze Mary Tyler Moore statue on Nicolet Mall in Minneapolis, and the Fonz defines us to the same degree MTM defines the Twin Cities. Additionally, Milwaukee is a tourist destination for few people. But if there's one group we can count on, it's bad-ass Harley riders. The Fonz statue will be a nice additional stopping point for these motleys when they come for the Harley museum and stuff like that. Also, given the proximity to Water St., it will be a prime target for drunk people hoping to put garbage cans on the heads of statues. And who doesn't like that? So all in all, I like the idea. I just wish it was Ralph Malph instead.

The Cubs are not the underdogs; they're the Yankees, but without the pennants.

2007-09-20T12:40:00.000-07:00

There was a pretty solid article by Mike Hunt in today's JS about the Cubs' underdog image.

While it's true that no culture loves an underdog quite like Americans, how then to explain the general sentiments attached to the exhilarating National League Central race?

...

Strip away the mythology, and they are Goliath. Massive market. Big payroll. Big-name stars and free agents. A marquee manager who earns more than the entire Brewers' 100-plus-homer infield combined.

Yet, as Hunt notes, the national media appears to be rooting for the Cubs in the National League Central race. Well, to be fair, the national media is openly mocking the ineptitude of the NL Central as a whole first, and rooting for the Cubs second. The Cubs have done quite the job of defining themselves as cursed underdogs and lovable losers. But the truth is, this pennant race has the makings of a true underdog story, but the Brewers are the underdogs. The Brewers are David to the Cubs' Goliath; App. State to the Cubs' U of M; Rocky to the Cubs' Clubber Lang (I'm not sure they have a trainer either); 300 Spartans (and some Thespians) to the Cubs' million river-drinking-Persians; Honey Roy Palmer to the Cubs' Buck Holland, Slim Busby, Billy Hargrove (played by a young James Caviezel), Sam Lester, Hambone Busby, Sunny Hawkins, Robby Gillon, Frank Mangrum, Tank Miller and Hammerhead Haggan. Make no mistake, if you want to root for the underdog, you gotta root for the Brew Crew in the NL Central. Here's why:

PAYROLL:

The Cubs' have a payroll of $100,000,000.00.
The Brewers have a payroll of $70,000,000.00.

And although a difference of $30 million is significant, it's actually more drastic than that. If you look at the key players on the Brewers, most of whom are younger than me, they make close to the league minimum. For example, a typical Brewers starting infield would look like this:

Braun @ $395,000
Fielder @ $415,000
Hardy @ $400,000
Weeks @ $400,000

The Cubs' key players -- Lee, Soriano, Ramirez, Zambrano -- each make around $10 million.

This is clearly a big money team vs. a small money team.

MARKET:

The Cubs play in a market of 9,157,540 people (shared with the Whitesox I suppose).
The Brewers play in a market of 1,689,572 people, the smallest in Baseball.

This is clearly a big market team vs. a small market team.

ORGANIZATION:

The Brewers have 17is players on their roster that they drafted and developed within the franchise.
The Cubs are made up mostly of high priced free agents.

The Brewers are the little guy in this fight, and there's nothing any goat or any Bartman can do about it. All that said, I fully believe the Brewers will come out on top. As Mike Vick would say if he were more articulate and up to speed on cheesy cliches, it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Eating on $21 per week

2007-09-19T12:55:00.000-07:00

In today's paper there was this article about a woman and her daughter who are trying to spend under $21 per week each on food (That's about $1 per meal if you can't do math and eat three meals per day). I guess the reason is that they are trying to get more funding for the federal food stamp program. $21 per week is apparently the average allocation. I think that this woman probably didn't understand that because this was the average, the people who are most dependant on food stamps (i.e. pay for most or all of their food via food stamps) probably get more than a buck per meal. But whatever. It still sounds like a fun game.

I spend waayyy too much money on food. I eat out for lunch almost every day. My primary lunch places are Jimmy Johns and The Waterfront Deli, due to their proximity to my office. I probably drop about $7 for lunch at Jimmy Johns, and close to $10 at Waterfront. That's like $40 or $50 a week just on lunch. If I wanted to get by on $21 per week, I'd probably have to start brown-bagging it, which I've been meaning to do anyway. I also go out to dinner on most Fridays and Saturdays. This often involves booze. But other than that, I think I'd be alright. So this Sunday, I am going to go shopping and spend just $21 and try to go all week (or at least until Friday night) eating only that food. What would you buy if you had just $21 to spend on food for a week? Here are some of my ideas:

1) Twenty-one 8oz bottles of Vitamin Water, pack of gum.

2) Seven Wendy's Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, Seven Wendy's cup of chili, Seven Wendy's Frosty Dairy Deserts (those things are awesome). Do you think it's a coincidence that they have a dollar menu?

3) Bottle of Jack, Flinstone vitamins, nerves of steel.

4) 14 Power Bars, 7 Slim Fast shakes, 2 liter bottle of Diet Pepsi.

5) Dozen Eggs ($1.50), Gallon of Milk ($3.50), Loaf of Bread ($2.00), Jar of Peanut Butter ($2.00), Half-pound of Turkey deli meat ($2.50), 5 store-brand frozen pizzas ($7.00), OJ ($2.50).

That one doesn't sound too bad, does it?

5 Things: Miller Park Edition

2007-09-05T13:04:00.000-07:00

I've been spending a lot of time at Miller Park over the last few months. It's a great place to watch a baseball game. It really is. I've only been to three baseball stadiums in my life (the other two being Milwaukee County Stadium, which has obviously been torn down, and Wrigley Field, which obviously should be torn down). But there are a few additions/changes I would like to see at Miller Park. Here are 5 of them:

1. Bring back Bernie Brewer's giant beer mug and lederhosen.

I think I may have mentioned this before, but the attempts to make Bernie Brewer less beer-oriented are really really stupid. After all, his name is Bernie Brewer, he's the mascot of a team called the Brewers, who play at Miller Park. This team has everything to do with beer. And beer rules.

The Bernie Brewer's legend began in 1970. The Crew was still a new, bad team and they were having trouble drawing crowds. In June of that year, a brilliant nutcase named Milt Mason climbed on top of the scoreboard and pledged to stay there until the Brewers drew 40,000 for a game. He was there for about 40 days, like Jesus. Mason became the original Bernie Brewer. In 1973 a chalet was built for him in center field, and each time a Brewer hit a homer, he would slide down a slide into a big mug of beer, and balloons would fly up into the air for seagulls to choke on. This version of Bernie remained until the Mid-1980's when the chalet was removed to make room for a sound tower. Bernie was brought back by popular demand in 1993, complete with large foam head and mustache. He still wore lederhosen, and his routine was about the same. But when the Crew moved to Miller park, they decided to ruin Bernie. They took away his chalet and replaced it with a "dugout." A "dugout" that sits 15 stories above the ground in right field. They replaced the giant mug of beer with "home plate." And worst of all, they replaced Bernie's lederhosen with a Brewers uniform. I can't fathom why anyone would support these changes. Here is what Bernie's chalet looked like at County Stadium:

And below is his "dugout" at Miller Park. Can't you just see a giant glass of beer sitting at the end of that slide?

When you think about it, getting covered in beer is what cheering for the Crew is all about. And as the team's biggest cheerleader, there's no reason Bernie shouldn't end up in beer every time Prince Fielder goes yard.

2. Bring back the two-fisted slobber promo.

The two-fisted slobber was a character that appeared on the county stadium scoreboard. His purpose was to discourage bad stadium etiquette. He looked like typical trailer trash; thin, but with a big gut, wearing a wife-beater t-shirt, carrying two beers, and totally drunk. The ad was designed to make a mockery out of such behavior. But we Milwaukeeans embraced the two-fisted slobber. After all, he was funny. I've scoured the interweb for a video of the ad, or even a picture, but I can't find one for the life of me. There are a few websites selling t-shirts that say "two-fisted slobber," but the man depicted on those shirts is an imposter; a horrible monster.

3. Less Filling/Tastes Great cheer.

I have a great idea for a cheer that would be perfect for Brewer games. Normally I hate organized cheering at baseball games. Baseball crowds just can't pull off the wave like college football crowds can. One of the most endearing cheers you'll hear in the student section at Camp Randall stadium is the Eat Shit/Fuck You cheer. This cheer usually starts when several fans from, say, Section N stand up and point to, say, Section O and start yelling "Eat Shit! Eat Shit! Eat Shit!" Within moments, the rest of Section N will be on their feet joining along, and Section O will be on their feet countering each "Eat Shit!" with a "Fuck You!" Simple as that. Although this is perfectly appropriate for a college football game, it's probably not appropriate for Brewers baseball. Fortunately, the good people at Miller Brewing Company designed a reasonable substitute for us back in the 1980s with their "Less Filling/Tastes Great" Miller Lite advertising campaign. So if you are ever at a Brewer game and a bunch of guys in the section next to yours stand up and start pointing at your section and yelling "Less Filling! Less Filling! Less Filling!" please rally your section and start responding to each "Less Filling!" with a "Tastes Great!" That would be totally awesome.

4. Fans that are more versed in when it is appropriate to boo.

On the subject of cheering, a lot of Brewer fans have been real tools lately when it comes to booing. You will never ever hear me boo my own team. I love my Brewers like I'd love my children, not because they are good, but because they are mine. If Turnbow is throwing wild pitches, the last thing I want him to do is throw more wild pitches. He's obviously not trying to play poorly. So I'm not going to boo, I'm going to say "c'mon T-Bow, throw some strikes buddy!" Now there are obvious exceptions to this rule--if Gary Sheffield were on my team I would boo him. But generally speaking, booing your players is bad for your team. If you want to strengthen their home field advantage, get behind them as much as possible when they're at home.

It's okay to boo the other team sometimes. If their pitcher throws at one of our our guys, boo him. Last night when Asstros' manager [and former Brewer great] Cecil Cooper asked the umpire to inspect Cordero's hand for Eddie Harris-style substances, it was cool that we booed him. It's also okay to boo Carlos Lee because he left our team for more money. It was a good decision on his part, but it's cool for us to boo him. However, I was at one game early in the season when Brady Clark was playing for the Dodgers. When they announced his name, some people booed him. That was NOT okay. Brady didn't leave for more money. We traded him. When he was here, he was a mediocre talent that gave everything he had and performed well for us. We should applaud him if he ever returns to Miller Park. And if I ever hear a Brewer fan boo Jeff Cirillo when he returns to Miller Park with the D-Backs or anyone else, I will promptly punch that Brewer fan in the face. Booing is just so mean.

5) A new version of "Beer Barrel Polka."

At Miller Park, we sing "Roll Out the Barrel" after "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch. They play this old organ version of the song. It's hard to hear and it's boring. I want to hear an oom-pah band with tubas and trumpets. I also want a little ball bouncing on the words on the score board as we're supposed to say them so the 45,000 of us can get the timing right. Is that so much to ask?

It's like "It's a Small World" only seven feet tall.

2007-08-29T07:57:00.000-07:00

The Bucks just added a seven-foot tall Chinese man to their front court, which already included a seven-foot-tall Aussie with a terrible haircut, a seven-foot-tall Dutchman of Serbian descent and a seven-foot-tall black American with no eyebrows.

After Bucks owner Herb Kohl made a trip to Hong Kong to conduct personal negotiations with Yi's representatives, the young Chinese star signed a multiyear deal with the Bucks, ending a saga that began on draft night when he was selected with the sixth overall pick by Milwaukee.

Best Drink Special Ever

2007-08-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

Friday night, I had plans to meet some friends at The Old German Beer Hall, a Haffbrauhaus bar on Milwaukee's Old World Third Street. I was the first of to arrive so I took a seat at the bar to wait for B & C and J & S (As I've mentioned before, I'm a tremendous third wheel, or 5th wheel... or Xth wheel where X = any odd number). I noticed that the specials board behind the bar said, "Friday Special: Free Beer." Free beer? There had to be a catch. I asked the bartender what the catch was. He said there was no catch. They tap a keg of Hoffbrau Original at 6:00pm every Friday and it's free until it's gone. Also, whoever gets the last glass from the free keg drinks free all night. So I ordered a beer. And, as luck would have it, it was the last one. What I had intended to be an easy night, turned into a pretty rowdy one. Although it could have been worse considering my history with German Beer. Maybe it's the polka. Or maybe it's the giant containers that German bars are in the habit of serving beer in.

Or maybe it's that I'm pretty "good" at the boot game. [In the boot game, you pass a three litre glass boot full of beer around a group of people. You can drink as much as you want, but if the person that drinks after you finished the boot, you have to buy the next one. I didn't buy too many boots in college.]

And that's basically free beer too.

I wonder if "Two Scoops" will be back?

2007-08-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

NBC is bringing back American Gladiators. I think that this is totally awesome. American Gladiators was one of my favorite shows in my youth. It came into popularity just as Hulkamania was becoming sort of cliche. For those of you that don't remember American Gladiators, it was a syndicated game show in the early 1990s in which amateur athletes competed against spandex-clad behemoths and she-males, with names like Laser and Nitro, in strength and agility contests (some of which involved giant q-tips). I think that a new generation is ready for American Gladiators.

I've mentioned before that professional sports should make steroids legal. One of the criticisms is that pro athletes on steroids would be bad role models for kids. I don't think this has to be the case. I think we could learn something about role models from American Gladiators. American Gladiators placed the steroid-free everyman in head-to-head competition with gigantic steroid freaks in athletic contests, and fans rooted for the competitors! The steroid users were the bad guys. To your average 12-year-old or idiot, steroids make you look like Gemini, not like Lance Armstrong. [In reality, there's a PED for basically every kind of athlete. But who says we can't embrace stereotypes for the good of the children?] So when fans of the show watched, they could ask themselves, "do I want to be more like Gladiator or competitor?" Since the Gladiators were all bulk, it was only a matter of time before a competitor came along and utterly destroyed the juiced-up Gladiators. And that competitor was Wesley Berry. Yes, big muscles couldn't hold down Wesley "Two-Scoops" Berry. Not by a long shot.
I have said before on this here rag that no other athlete has dominated his sport more than Michael Phelps, with only Tiger Woods and Roger Federer coming close. Well, I forgot about Two Scoops. Two Scoops, named for the inclusion of Kellogs Raisin Bran in his diet, came into gladiator stadium and basically leveled it to the ground. It wasn't too often that a competitor bested one of the gladiators, especially in games like "Break Through and Concur" or "Joust." When they did it seemed almost lucky. But Two Scoops would march right up to those meat-heads and throw them out of the ring (or off the pedestal or whatever the case may be). He owned the Gladiators. He was faster, stronger, more agile, and he could jump over a car (seriously). He was like the Wilt Chamberlain of obstacle courses and Nerf guns. He broke just about every record on the show (although his eliminator record is marked with controversy because he was first down the zip-line but took the inside track). On top of all this, he preached staying in school, not doing drugs, and giving anywhere from 120% to 1000%. Two Scoops, I salute you. It's too bad you're in jail now.

Update! I just found some clips on youtube of Two Scoops kicking ass. Here his is winning The Gauntlet on International Gladiators:

Here he is jumping over a car:

I hate Andy Rooney

2007-08-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

Andy Rooney is kind of a prick. And he's also really really stupid. Since my dad is a big 60 Minutes fan, I've been watching Andy Rooney for most of my life. For those of you that aren't familiar with him, Andy Rooney is this crusty old dude that spouts out a few minutes of stream--of-conscious nonsense at the end of every episode of 60 Minutes. I've seen hundreds of these segments, and every time I see one I ask whoever is around, "why does this guy have a job?"

Knowing of my hatred for Andy Rooney, a friend of mine sent me this article from the Stamford Times in which Rooney sort of talks about baseball. It's incoherent, unorganized, ignorant and even racist. I think it may represent the height of Andy Rooney's douchebaggery.

Apparently bloggers like me will sometimes "fisk" an article. The term is named after British journalist Robert Fisk and it basically means that you point out each bit of nonsense in an article. So today, I'm going to fisk Andy Rooney's trashy article about baseball. His words are in italics.

Baseball has never been my game. I never liked it as a kid, probably because I could never throw a ball very well. My friends said I threw like a girl and that's enough to put any young boy off a game. As I've probably told you — after over 4,000 columns it's sometimes hard to remember what I've said before — my father took me to a Yankee game when I was about 10 years old and Joe DiMaggio struck out three times.

Andy Rooney was born in January of 1919. Joe D came up in 1936. So either "about 10 years old" means 17-and-a-half at the youngest, or you're lying about seeing Dimaggio play when you were a kid. Also, Dimaggio struck out 369 times in 1,736 career games. That's about once every five games. I'm not saying he never struck out three times in one game, but it probably didn't happen more than once or twice. He also hit 361 home runs, so the odds of Andy Rooney seeing Joe Dimmaggio strike out three times in one game are roughly the same as the odds that he saw him clout three dingers in one game.

My disinterest in baseball as a kid has lasted all my life. I'm still not interested in the game. I don't watch it on television or follow it in the newspaper. I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, but today's baseball stars are all guys named Rodriguez to me.

Yeah, I can't tell any of those brown people apart either. And don't get me started on the negroes. Is he serious? Did he actually write that in something that was going to be published?

They're apparently very good but they haven't caught my interest. I also think baseball needs some rules changes, too. For example, the player who starts the game as pitcher should have to play all nine innings without a substitution. A pitcher hardly ever plays more than a few innings and then the manager replaces him with someone who isn't as good.

No, and a running back shouldn't have to play every down. Because that's not how the game works. Also, pitchers routinely play more than "a few innings." If your starter has to come out before the 6th, your team suffers. And relief pitchers aren't always worse than starters. They're just different. Like the counselors at school said I was "just different."

I think baseball managers dominate the games more than the players do and more than coaches do in other sports.

Yeah, that's probably true. And they get to wear uniforms. So what?

There are 30 major league baseball teams, but sometimes it seems as though the New York Yankees are the only team that ever wins the World Series. There have been 102 World Series since 1903. The Yankees have been in 39 of those and they've won 26. Five teams have never won a World Series. What in the world keeps baseball fans in those cities coming to games?

Lets list those five teams: Milwaukee Brewers, San Diego Padres, Houston Astros, Colorado Rockies and the Seatle Mariners... and the Washington Nationals, Texas Rangers and Tampa Bay Devil Rays. That's 8 teams. Even more than five teams have never won the world series. Maybe Andy is on to something here. I wonder if any football teams have never won a Superbowl? Lets see, there's the Vikings, the Falcons, the Lions, the Bills, and the Seahawks. That's five. But there's also the Chargers, the Eagles, the Browns, the Bengals, the Saints, the Cardinals, the Panthers, the Jaguars, the Titans and the Texans. How many is that? [Answer: 15]. There is more parity in baseball then in football by any conceivable measurement.

The figures they keep giving us on broadcasts of baseball games are batting statistics, the amount being paid the players, the number of fans in the stands. There are other statistics I'd like to hear more often. When a player comes up to bat, they can tell me what his batting average is but I'd also like to know how many times he's struck out. Tell me how many different teams he's played with. Which player on either team has made the most errors? What's the average IQ of a baseball team compared with the IQ of a professional football team?

First of all, "how many times a player strikes out" is a "batting statistic." Second of all, I'm sure the average IQ of a baseball team is much higher than the average IQ of crusty old 60 Minutes "journalists."

It seems like a major mystery that baseball has never caught on in other countries the way it has here.

Baseball is the most popular sport in The Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Japan, Cuba, Panama, Venezuela, Nicaragua, South Korea, and Taiwan. The USA just got stomped in the World Baseball Classic. And I'm pretty sure Ichiro is not from Ohio.

There are baseball leagues in several countries but their citizens' interest is mostly in soccer [football as they call it].

Wait, they call it "football"? How's Japan's "football" team?

Cricket is popular in some countries, but it makes hopscotch seem exciting.

So does Andy' Rooney's writing style.

It's easier to understand why our football game isn't played in other countries. Football is complicated. It takes a lot of practice and it's expensive. All players need for a soccer game is a ball and a pair of shorts and shoes. It's harder for a bunch of kids to get together Saturday morning and go to a vacant lot to play football than to play either soccer or baseball.

I know you guys aren't going to believe this, but sometimes my friends and I get together and play football. We've been doing it for years. Lest you think I am some snobby rich person, I swear to Thor, all it takes is a ball and a pair of shorts and shoes. And sometimes a coat and mittens in these parts.

Some of the best times of my life were playing football, and some of the best friends I made were fellow football players in high school and college. You're more dependent on teammates in football than in baseball and a bonding takes place.

How can he possibly know this? He stated that he's never played baseball and that he throws like a girl.

In a football game, you're dependent on the players on either side of you. In a baseball game, you're pretty much on your own.

Well, unless you get a base hit and don't want to be left stranded on the base. Or you throw to first to get a player out and you want the first baseman to catch the ball.

Basketball is a better team sport to me than baseball, but size means too much in basketball. I never got taller than 5-foot-9 and didn't make the basketball team in school. I ended up as the backstroker on the swimming team. I was a good swimmer but hated doing laps for practice. The water was always cold and after half an hour in the chlorinated pool my eyes were red and my skin wrinkled. It took the fun out of swimming.

I'm not quite sure what he's talking about here. He started out talking about team unity and now he's talking about chlorinated eyes. It's almost as if Mr. Rooney is crazy.

Considering the fact that who wins or loses any game makes no difference whatsoever in our lives, it's interesting how important a game can seem to us sometimes. The greatest sports loss of my life was a high school football game. We were undefeated and the game was the last of the season. It ended in a scoreless tie and we were crushed by what seemed like the worst defeat of our lives.

Yup, he's crazy. Totally bonkers. This has nothing to do with his theme. It's just some nonsense.

Write to Andy Rooney at Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or via email at aarooney5@yahoo.com

Dear Andy,

You are a douchebag.

Best,

Danny from Milwaukee

Fantasy Football Draft Night

2007-08-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

The fantasy football league you play in totally sucks compared to the one I play in. I mean, I'm sure you have fun with it and all, but compared to my league, your league is like fantasy football Jr. Or fantasy fantasy football. While your league is run by Yahoo, my league is run by a bartender named Dave that may or may not be a savant. In your league, whoever gets the first pick chooses LT. In my league, whoever was willing to spend almost 40% of his cap space got LT. At $38, LT was kind of a stupid pick in my league (In contrast, Frank Gore went for $25, Steve Jackson went for $26 and Brian Westbrook went for $23).

I won't explain my league in too much detail because the rule book is an inch thick and Dave may want to patent it. But it basically breaks down to three rounds of drafting. In the first round, the top 25 players (based on how they scored in our league in the previous season) are put up for auction. These are basically unrestricted free agents. You can bid as much as you want for these guys, so long as you stay under your $100 salary cap and leave enough to pay 19 other players $2.40 each.

[This year Michael Vick went up for auction because of his numbers from last year. I bid the league minimum for him and got him. It sounds stupid, but I can hold him over for next year when he comes back as an all-pro dog-killin wide receiver.]

After that round, all the remaining players are drafted, kinda like in your little baby league. But after the first four rounds of drafting, each team can try to steal two players that were drafted by other teams by making an offer on them. If you want to keep a player that you drafted that another team made an offer on, you have to match that offer. If you spent too much in the auction, you might lose your high draft picks, like my brother did. So these players are basically restricted free agents. After this it's just a regular draft to fill out your roster.

We play 16 games in the first 13 real games of the season due to double indemnity weeks in which you play both a head-to-head match as well as an at large match in which the top half of each conference gets a win and the bottom half gets a loss. The last three weeks of the real season are our playoffs and the [redacted].

[By the way, the draft took place at Copper's Pub in the Country Springs Hotel just off 94, one of the places where Dave tends bar. Copper's is a pretty great place to watch a game or draft a fantasy football team. Dave and some of the other bar patrons are sort of retarded in that they would rather watch pre-season football then real baseball when our team is in a pennant race, but I'll let that slide. What's cool about Copper's is the beer club. Coppers has 100 different beers in a bottle, good ones too. You can get this little card and check them off as you go. When you finish the card, you get your name up on the "Hall of Foam" plaque and a free night in an "executive suite" at the hotel. I think I'm going to be watching a lot of football at Copper's this fall.]

At the end of the 5 hours of drafting, my team shaped up alright. I had held over Willis McGahee ($10) from last year and got Ahman Green ($8) and Julius Jones ($10) [I had to put Jones on injury reserve to save cap room for now. I'll have to make some moves to take him off]for running backs. I got Carson Palmer for a song ($15) in the auction and drafted Brett Favre ($3) for my backup QB. I have Marvin Harrison ($17.50), Larry Fitzgerald ($3) and Hines Ward ($8) at receiver, Shockey ($3) at tight end, and some rando defensive players. I think it's a solid team and I should fair alright.

The evolution of sport

2007-08-08T13:50:00.001-07:00

Last summer I went camping in the boundary waters for a few days with three buddies. We got really smelly, but had a great time. On the fourth day of our journey we had some down time at the camp site. There was a big rock near the fire pit and I said, "do you guys want to see who can throw that rock the farthest?" They all looked at me, then looked at eachother, and almost in unison said, "of course we do." So we drew a line and took turns heaving the rock. We each got three chances. Former Roomie B was the heavy favorite, but in his third attempt, BAR matched Former Roomie B's best throw.

[I should note that Former Roomie B is the manliest man I know. He owns a lot of tools, has lots of heads of stuff he shot hanging on his wall and had just carried a waterlogged canoe for like a half mile. BAR, on the other hand, lives in Boy's Town in Chicago, has curly blond hair and owns a parakeet named Steve.]

Obviously, the competition could not end in a tie. The two battled it out in five more rounds of "sudden death" until finally Former Roomie B bested BAR. We had just spent an hour throwing a rock in the wilderness of northern Minnesota and it was definitely one of the highlights of the trip. After the competition, we laughed at the idea of what our female friends would think if they saw it. They'd criticize. But guys love competition and for this reason, we rule.

A few weeks ago, about 15 of my law school friends rented a condo on a lake up in the Wisconsin Dells area for a weekend. On one of the evenings, we were discussing who was more crazy, men or women. The women, being crazy, all thought that men were crazier. We men, being right, disagreed. But what shocked me was that, one of their arguments was our rock-throwing contest! That's right, they said that our awesome rock-throwing contest was evidence of our crazyness. Anyway, a short time later, most of the women went inside the condo, presumably to gossip and do dishes. I looked at the rest of the guys and said, "do you guys want to have a rock-throwing contest?"

A few minutes later, we're down on the beach drawing a line in the sand and looking for a big rock. By the end of the first round, all of the girls were down on the beach watching us. Former Roomie B defended his title against strong performances by BAR and a newcomer to the competition, Seth Rogan. After we were finished, do you know what the women did? They had their own rock-throwing contest. Who's crazy now? Guys rule because we are willing to do fun things even if they seem stupid and pointless. Having fun is never stupid. Having fun is the point.

Last weekend, I had another fun experience playing a seemingly stupid and pointless game. I was in Brainerd, Minnesota (Yes, the town depicted in Fargo. They didn't really talk like that though. Of course, being from Wisconsin, I kinda talk like that myself.) for a wedding (that I will probably discuss in greater detail when I have time) . After the rehearsal dinner, some of the other members of the wedding party and I went to a bar on the lake. It was a typical lake town bar; nice patio, descent pizza, Big Buck Hunter, hilariously dressed locals etc. But the highlight for us was Hammerschlagen.

I had never seen this game before, but Hammerschlagen is a truly awesome sport. they take a big old cross section of a tree and set it on the ground at about table-height. Then a townie babe sells nails to drunk guys for $2. The nails are driven into the tree enough that they stand on their own. Then the hammer is passed around and players take turns swinging at their nail with the wedge end of the hammer. Whoever drives their nail in first wins a free drink. It's actually pretty tough to make contact with the nail, but if you hit it right, you can drive it in in one shot. That's when you feel really tough. Additionally, players make side bets in the middle of the stump, similar to craps. Yes, this game combines gambling and swinging a hammer. What could be better? After dropping $20, I finally won my free drink. Good times were had by all.

Maybe we should move him to the rotation?

2007-08-07T21:35:00.001-07:00

I've been swamped lately, so posts have been scarce. I'll get back on top of things in the near future. I have several tales to tell re: croquet, rock-tossing and a bachelor party. But until them, I have to post this video because it's the awesomest thing I've ever seen:

Five Things: Steroids Edition

2007-07-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

There is a dangerous parasite that is on the verge of destroying several professional sports. That parasite is, of course, the rule that says players can't use performance enhancing drugs. The Tour de France is becoming a joke and the career home run record will have an asterisk next to it in many people's minds in the next few days. I, for one, wish that I could just watch a bike race, or a guy with an enormous head hit some homers, without having to worry about whether the drugs these athletes choose to do are banned in their sports. So here are my five reasons why performance enhancing drugs should be allowed in professional sports:

1) Performance Enhancing Drugs would level the playing field.

I know the idea that roids would level the playing field goes against conventional wisdom. But conventional wisdom is often very very stupid. If the playing field in sports were truly level, sports would be boring: every game would end in a tie. The biggest factor in causing an uneven playing field is talent. Do you know who won the first Tour de France? The guy with the most talent [Maurice Garin]. It wasn't the hardest worker or the grittiest competitor or the "smartest racer" or even the guy with the biggest balls. [Recent Tours have proven that one can dominate the race without a huge set of balls.] At the highest levels of athletics, the most important thing is Thor-given talent. At the highest level, everyone trains hard, plays tough and knows the game. Obviously hard work and sticktoitiveness are important, but talent will trump them all. So here's my question? What's so great about talent? If Athlete A (lets call him Lance) is really really talented, and Athlete B (lets call him Floyd) is slightly less talented, and both are willing to work extremely hard at their sport, is the playing field really level? Does the guy with more talent deserve to win more? You can't change how much talent you have. Unlike Athlete A, Athlete B could not win the Tour on talent alone. His parents screwed him in the talent department. If he wants to compete, he has to take the next step. I say we let him take that step.

2) Performance Enhancing Drugs enhance performance.

Nobody watched the XFL. One reason nobody watched it was that the XFL was totally gay. But another, more significant reason is that the best football players play in the NFL, not the XFL. And we'd rather watch the best players play. This is the same reason that Major League Baseball has more viewers than minor league baseball, and the NBA has more viewers than the WNBA. People want to watch the best.

[Before any of youse get all bent out of shape because I acknowledged that the NBA has better basketball players in it than the WNBA, I will readily admit that the birds that play in the WNBA have good fundamentals and are talented and they could all dominate me. But I'm not a professional basketball player, and ain't a one of them could play in the NBA. If one of them could, we'd watch her because she was the best, not because she was the best chick.]

Steroids make athletes better. Period. Remember that Mark McGuire/Sammy Sosa race to break the single season home run record back in 1998? How awesome was that? How awesome would this year be if we stopped giving a shit about roids, and Barry Bonds wasn't such a douchebottle? Watching great players do great things is what sports are all about.

3) Drawing a distinction between Performance Enhancing Drugs and other new technology is totally capricious.

Lance Armstrong's first book is called It's Not About the Bike. But the fact of the matter is, to some degree, it is about the bike Lance. Lance's team had the best equipment, and it showed. The gap is narrowing, but for a while, Trek and the US Postal team did far more testing and engineering and custom tailoring their bikes for their riders. But so what? Technology improves, and in a sport like cycling, that makes for faster racing. And don't even get me started on the clap skate.

Also, remember Kirk Gibson's famous game-winning homer in the 1988 world series? Could he have even stepped to the plate without a cortisone shot? My guess is no. Athletes use all sorts of "performance enhancing drugs" to play when they're injured.

The truth is that Babe Ruth didn't have access to cortisone shots, and Philippe Thys only had like three gears when he won the Tour de France. All sorts of technology has made comparing today's athletes to their predecessors rather difficult. None of today's athletes "play clean" by 1920s standards. But I say that Kirk's homer is one of the best plays in baseball history. And Lance's dominance in the tour made it exciting to a whole country. The technology that allowed them to accomplish their feats made their sports better.

4) A viable, legal market for Performance Enhancing Drugs would lead to the development of better and safer drugs.

Do you know who wins the modern Tour de France? It's still not the guy that works the hardest. It's not the guy with the most talent either. It's not even the guy with the best drugs really. It's the guy with the least detectable drugs. The guys that develop these drugs have to work largely underground. A major goal is to make said drugs undetectable. But if PEDs were legal, the big drug companies would jump headfirst into that game and try to make better drugs. Along the way, they'd make them safer. Sooner or later, we could all benefit from this stuff. If our children can all bench press 400 lbs, would it not be a better world?

5) We could enjoy the games we love without having to scrutinize the athletes that play them.

This should be a very exciting time in sports. These guys are out there getting paid big bucks to entertain us. They found a way to make their craft more entertaining. The only people it could possibly hurt are the athletes themselves, and they're the ones choosing to take that risk. Shouldn't they be free to do so? [This isn't Russia, is this Russia?] Shouldn't we be able to cheer them on without wondering what they're on? With respect to the Tour de France, legalizing PEDs are its only hope. Baseball isn't too far from that. Who knows what sport is next. Do we really want of romanticized visions of the past to ruin the sports we love?

Hoo-ray for Roids!

Dropping the ball

2007-07-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

It was a long weekend and although it's only Tuesday, it's been a really long week too. The big event of my weekend was Saturday's Brewer game against the Giants from San Francisco, led by the Giant head of Barry Bonds. Former Roomie B was out of town for a wedding, so I would be joined by two guys named J and former neighbor K. I got up early on Saturday to prepare for the tailgate party that was precede the game. But first, I had to stop at Borders to get my reserved copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Yeah, that's right, I'm a male attorney in my late twenties and I've read the first six books, I love them, and I was eagerly awaiting the latest chapter in Harry's life. While I was waiting in line with various children and girls that appear to be in the education field, I see Former Roomie B walk in to pick up his copy. [I should note that Former Roomie B is the manliest man I know. He has a freezer full of meat that he shot, he has several items of furniture that he built, he's a former rugby player, and last year when we went camping one of our canoes was plastic and it filled with water when the outside layer of plastic got a crack and therefore weighed several metric tons more than it did before it cracked and Former Roomie B carried it every portage after the crack (Hey, shut up, I still carried the other canoe). He also won our "who can throw that big rock the farthest" contest.] We had a good laugh at our own expense, then he left for the wedding and I left for the grocery store for some brats and Italian sausages.

I picked some winners from the meat department at the Metro Market by my place and went home to boil them. Now, you may not believe this now, and you surely won't believe it by the end of this story, but I am an excellent tailgater. I use charcoal instead of gas, I can open beer bottles with my teeth, and I pre-boil my brats in the best brat-boiling beer ever: Miller Highlife. Some people may tell you that you should use a dark beer, like a stout or a porter. These people are liars. I drink stouts and porters like crazy and I love them, but Miller Highlife is second to no beer for cookin sausage in. So I boil the brats and the italians and put them in bags marked "brats" and "I-talians" and put them in the fridge while I fill the cooler with beer.

Soon after everyone arrives and we're on our way to the game. I take the secret 41st St. entrance to Miller Park and in no time I have some perfectly burning coals in my little red grill. And then I realize that the meat is still in my fridge.

FUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

The lack of meat, along with the car alarm that went off every ten minutes made the tailgate situation less than ideal. But we still had fun, and ate plenty of grub in the stadium. But as we'd soon find out, I wasn't the only one that dropped the ball that day. The Brewers looked awful. I won't recap the game, but I'll just say that there wasn't a single moment of that game that was worth getting excited about.

__________________

Speaking of the Brewers, I'm going to take a second to plug an awesome blog. So, the Crew took the next game and then went on the road to face the Cincinnati Reds. Last nights game was a pitcher's duel between Chris Capuano and the Red's humongous ace, Aaron Harang. The game was tied at the end of nine and went to extra innings. This looked promising for the Crew because the the Reds' bullpen blows. But we loaded the bases in both the 11th and 12th and couldn't cash in on either. In the 12th ( I think) Johnny Estrada grounded into a double play to end the inning. My reaction is forever memorialized by a true artist, here:

That about sums it up. Go read Kate's blog. She really has a way of summing it up... with stick figures.

___________

That's all I got today. I'm going to go read Harry Potter now.

Some sports stuff

2007-07-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

I think the NBA is pretty much a joke. In fact, I'm baffled that anyone thinks it's "news" that an NBA ref was shaving points. I've only watched a hand full of NBA games, but I found it obvious in all of them that the NBA and the WWF (or is it WWE now?) have pretty much the same officiating policy--let the stars win. The only News here is that the ref in question was being paid by the mob to cheat. I thought the NBA paid them to do that.

That said, I do try to support my team, the Bucks, to some degree. I'm not an avid fan by any means, but I go to a few games a year. The recent Bucks news has centered around the fact that our recent first round draft pick from China, just like most of his American counterparts, is a prima donna asshole. The Bucks used their pick on a 7-footer named Yi Jianlain. Since then, Yi and his handlers have stated that Yi will not play for Milwaukee. He's requested to be traded and said if he isn't, that he would go back to China. His stated reasons have been conflicting, but one of them is that Milwaukee doesn't have a big Chinese population. He's a prima donna asshole AND a racist! Nice work Yi, nice work. So basically, we squandered our first round pick. Nice pick Bucks. Nice pick.

But this news is perhaps even more depressing for our front court. Andrew Bogut just did this to his head:

Are you kitten me? Seriously Andrew? Who the hell do you think you are, Tong Po?

_______________

Beckham's move to The States has been getting a lot of attention. What I've found odd is the level of condescension that most of the American sportscasters have treated Beckham and his sport with in their coverage. Bryan Gumbel thinks it's xenophobia. I'm not sure that's true, but it is asinine that the mediocre former athletes and douchebag columnists of ESPN think they're entitled to project any aura of superiority over Beckham or the sport of soccer. Whether we Yankees will admit it or not, soccer is a very difficult sport and its stars are outstanding athletes. And it's the most popular sport in the world. If you don't like the sport of soccer, the reason has more to do with the household you were brought up in than anything about the game itself. So if any douchebag sportscasters are reading this, here is my advice to you: If you don't like soccer or David Beckham, that's fine. But don't be such a dick about it.

I, for one, wish Becks well.

______________________

In other much-covered news, Barry Bonds comes to Milwaukee today, three homers shy of breaking Hank Aaron's career record. A few days ago it seemed unlikely he'd break it here, but after jacking two against the Cubs yesterday, it seems at least possible. I'll be at the game on Saturday, but to be honest, I don't really care one way or another if he breaks the record here. I have more important things to worry about. Like a pennant race.

You jerks have a good weekend.

5 Things: Massive head edition

2007-07-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

I find vegetarians fascinating. I'm friends with a fair amount of vegetarians and even dated a vegetarian for a few years back in college. She was a cute little red-haired near-hippy [I say near-hippy because she wasn't the full-fledged, disgusting variety of hippy. She smelled pretty good and wore shoes when appropriate]. We were quite the odd couple [I wear a shirt with a collar every day], but it worked well for a while. Anyway, I had a million questions for her and my other leaf-eating friends about the philosophy behind vegetarianism. Of course, my main question was always, "what the hell are you thinking? Don't you know that meat is awesome?" And it is awesome. It tastes delicious, is a great source of protein, and a whole genre of summer partying revolves around it. But the awesomest thing about meat is that it is the reason that we human beings are so got-damned brilliant.

You see, three million or so years ago, there were a handfull of different human-like creatures (or "hominids" as we wannabe scientists call them). The two most notable are Homo Habilus (or "handy man") and Australiopithecus (or "Keyshawn Johnson"). Homo Habilus was a little smaller and weaker than Australiopithecus and was an omnivore. Australiopithecus was bigger and stronger but only ate grass. Because Habilus ate meat, he had to catch meat. Hunting, however, is hard. Especially when you are a small, mostly hairless ape. So Habilus had to coordinate. He had to plan. Also, regardless of your plan, hunting is hard when you're carrying around little baby Homo Habiluses. This forced Habilus to cooperate. Some of them would hunt (we'll call this group "men") and others would take care of children and vacuum ("women"). Then they would all share the food. Once this process began, it kept reinforcing itself. Hunting parties developed better plans, and even started making tools, while work-sharing became more structured. Society flourished and Homo Habilus got smarter. After a million years of this, Habilus doubled the size of his brain! And eventually, he became us. Nice work Homo Habilus, nice work. Because Australiopithicus didn't eat meat, he never needed to cooperate and therefore never developed any kind of society. And obviously, his brain stayed the same size. It didn't take long for Homo Habilus to completely wipe Australiopithecus of the globe. So essentially, we're smart because we eat meat.

The other lesson that we should learn from this bit of history is that big heads are sweet. So maybe we shouldn't be so hard on Barry Bonds. Bonds is inevitably going to Break Hank Aaron's career homerun record, and for some reason, a lot of people are upset about this. I believe this is because Barry Bonds has a fricken huge mellon. But we should not hate those with unusually large noggins. Many huge-headed people have accomplished greatness, and we should honor their accomplishments regardless of the ridiculous size of their heads. So this Thursday's 5 Things list is 5 people with massive heads that have improved the world:

1: Barry Bonds

Barry is inevitably going to break Aaron's record. Rooting against him is like rooting against glaciers. Whether you like him or not, Barry is one of the greatest baseball players of all time. And even though he didn't always have an enormous head, he was always a great player. Barry, go hit those last five dingers.

2: Dave Navarro

Dave Navarro was the lead guitar player for Jane's Addiction for a while and I think, after that, he joined the shittiest band in the world for one album called "One Hot Minute" which I'm sure is full of songs about California. However, he is probably most famous for having a huge head, being really ugly, and dating Carmen Electra.

3: Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln was our 16th President, the founder of the Republican Party, an avid theater-goer and a dude with a huge head. He is known for preserving the union and ending slavery. Abe, we commend you and your big head.

4: Christina Ricci

Christina Ricci has been praised for her acting since she was cast as a child with a big head in the The Addams Family in 1991. Since then she has been nominated for many awards and, in films like Sleepy Hollow, has made me think she might be a little hot, despite (or maybe because of?) her big head. Yeah, I kinda do...

5: Tony Snow

Tony Snow is, of course, President Bush's press secretary. His massive head distracts us from the lies coming out of his mouth, which helps us to be at peace in our ignorance of what's really going on in the world. I especially like this picture of Tony. The American flag and dipshit grin really help to bring out the size of his massive head. Thanks for keeping us safe with your big head Tony.

Just remember kids, big-heads are people too. If it weren't for big heads, we'd all be eating grass and twigs and picking the bugs off of eachother like hippies or Australiopithecus.

Who's Now?

2007-07-17T06:49:00.001-07:00

I've been watching a lot of this television station called "ESPN" lately. "ESPN" is an initialism for "Entertainment and Sports Television." But it's clear to me that they are more concerned about the "Entertainment" aspects--the bling and the gossip and the egos--than they are about the "Sports." Exhibit A is this miniseries they've been showing. Yes, the sports channel is showing a miniseries. It's called "The Bronx is Burning" and was probably made under the mistaken impression that anybody outside of New York gives a shit about the Yankees. From what I gathered in a half hour of watching the Bronx burn, the plot is that John Turturro (Transformers, Mo Better Blues) likes to yell about some guy with big glasses. That's all I got.

But Exhibit B of why ESPN blows is this thing they've been doing on SportsCenter called "Who's Now?" I know a lot of guys live and die with SportsCenter, but I've never really gotten into it. My knowledge of sports, at least with respect to the big three, doesn't go too far beyond the state borders of Wisconsin and I've never really cared what the Yankees or the Lakers are doing. Plus SportsCenter is hosted by some really annoying guys.

But I have to say, based on my limited exposure to the show, "Who's now?" must be an all time low. I mentioned "Who's Now?" a while back after seeing the match up between the greatest golfer ever and a mediocre QB that porked some skanks. For your review, "Who's Now?" consists of a bracket-style "tournament" in which various athletes are matched up against other athletes in "nowness." I guess that means accomplishments on the field/court/pitch/pool, plus style and shit like that. Apparently accomplishments on the field are weighted much less than the other intangibles that make up "nowness." So each day or week or whatever, Stu Scott announces the current match up, three douchebags discuss it, and 50,000 morons vote on it. The last match up was between the greatest tennis player that ever lived and some guy I've never heard of. Now I scoffed at Tiger versus Matt Leinert, but at least Tiger won. This time though, according to three douchebags and 50,000 morons, Roger Federer, the greatest tennis player ever is less "now" than some guy I've never heard of (who is Tony Parker?). Awesome.

But the current match up has me livid. It's Michael Phelps versus Shaq. Now keep in mind the contest is for who's the most "now." As I've stated, I don't know what "now" means, but I can't imagine it means "ten years ago." Michael Phelps is unquestionably the best swimmer who ever lived. And frankly, it isn't very close. No person has ever dominated his sport more than Phelps. (The only possible arguments I would entertain are Tiger and Federer). And Phelps is doing it RIGHT NOW. And he's barely 22. So after Stu Scott announces the match up, he turns it over to two guys I've never heard of and an australopithecus that used to play wide receiver for Tampa Bay for some discussion. Now, this match up seems like a no-brainer (a total Schaivo as Ace would say) to me. Phelps wins. Hands down. It's a stupid contest, but Phelps is untouchable, especially against some aging NBA center that hasn't been dominant in years. (Don't get me wrong, I love Shaq as far as NBA basketball players go. He seems like a class act and, as I understand it, was once pretty frickin good.) So Stu Scott turns it over to the no-names and the caveman for some discussion, and ALL THREE of these "sports analysts" pick Shaq. Seriously, ALL THREE. ESPN, you are a stupid TV station.

_________

Speaking of who's now, how 'bout them Brewers? I attended the baseball match between the Crew and the Arizona Diamondbacks last night and it was some good baseball. The D-Backs started the show with a solo dinger from their first batter. But Corey Hart answered right back when it was our turn. Two batters later, Ryan Braun made it 3-2. A Prince Fielder double in the fifth added another, and despite two more solo homers by the D-Backs, the Brewer's hung on to win 4-3. Ya gotta win those one-run games. Cordero and Turnbow both looked good shutting down the D-Backs in the 8th and 9th.

The bad news is that Ben Sheets was put on the 15 day DL yesterday. We brought in a pair of studs from the AAA squad down in Nashville. Manny Parra is a lefty starter that has been kicking butt with a 1.7ish ERA and a perfect game under his belt, and righty reliever Grant Balfour, who also had a 1.7ish ERA and a bunch of saves. This brings the average age on the team down to like 16. It's my kind of team Charlie, my kind of team.

Comedy Cafe, The Onion putting things into perspective, and the return of baseball

2007-07-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

My friends and I go to JD's Comedy Cafe every couple months. That's because the Comedy Cafe has this brilliant marketing ploy in which they have patrons fill out little cards to enter into a contest to win a "party" at the Comedy Cafe. The party consists of the winner and up to 19 guests getting in for $1 cover instead of the regular $12. There's still a two-drink minimum. If you go with a group of, say, ten people, somebody in your group will win a free party. Every time. It lets them fill the seats for every show and they still make their money on drinks. And it's good for us too, because we feel like we're getting a deal and it's always a fun time. I'm a big fan of stand-up comedy, especially when it's live. The lineup at JD's usually starts off with the MC. I don't know his name, but he has super thick glasses and a few funny jokes about fried chicken. He's warmed up the audience at most of the shows I've been at and does a good job of it. Although, by now I've heard every joke he has. MC Big-glasses is then followed by a trio of touring comics. The first one usually blows. The second one is usually pretty good. The third one is usually someone that has done Leno and Letterman, and maybe even Craig Fergusen. The third act is usually very good.

Last night was sort of strange. The party that Former Roomie B won started at this bar called Victor's, where we got some free appetizers, before a bus took us to the Comedy Cafe. Victors is affectionately referred to as Victims. It looks like a Vegas lounge from the 1970s where down-on-their-luck businessmen go to pick up prostitutes. It has a reputation for being full of cougars. Considering all the stories I've heard about Victims, in the few times I've patronized the place, I've never had a bad time there. We ate our fill and then boarded the bus to JD's.

MC Big-glasses put on a fine show. He was followed by a woman who's first joke started like this, "when I told my dad I wanted to be a comedian, he said 'why do you want to be a comedian? Women aren't funny.'" I don't know how this joke ended, but I think her dad was right.

But the second act was sort of strange. He was this 45 year old white guy. He was a little overweight and had a goatee. He started off making jokes about pot and stuff like that. He was really funny and totally had the audience with him. But then he segued into some racial humor. At some point, he went off script and just started telling stories with no real punchlines and at some point soon after that, he started to look visibly frazzled. He was tiptoeing a line that few white comics dare to go anywhere near. It was a mixed crowd but it didn't seem like anyone was close to bustin a cap in his ass or anything. Anyway, it was a little weird. But then he went back to pot humor and jokes about his gay son and all was forgiven.

He was followed by a young black comic that made jokes about beating his kids and locking his students [he was a "staff member" at a middle school, but not a teacher] in his trunk. He was also very funny. Afterwards, we returned to victims to ~~pick up some cougars~~ eat some pizza. All in all, it was a fun night of Comedy.

_________________

I'm not sure I've mentioned this on here before, but I'm having a mid-life crisis. This is scary for several reasons, most notably that if this is mid-life, I'll be dead at 55. My pop tells me that everyone gets like this in there first few years out of school, so I'm probably just being melodramatic. Either way, a friend of mine sent me this old Onion article today and I found it very appropriate:

Temp Hides Fun, Fulfilling Life From Rest Of Office

BOSTON—Ty Braxton, 23, continues to hide his fun and fulfilling life from the full-time employees of Hale & Dorr, the Boston law firm for which he has temped since July.

"At a job like this, where you're surrounded by angry, perpetually stressed-out lawyers who are working 80 hours a week, it's important to hide the fact that you're enjoying a normal, balanced, happy life," Braxton said Monday. "People get really pissed when they hear stuff like that."

Braxton, who earns roughly one-fourth of what the firm's lowest-seniority full-time employees make, said he has no desire to make his coworkers feel bad about their "boring, shitty lives."

"If somebody complains about how bad it sucks to work overtime five days straight, I just nod and agree," said Braxton, who spends his weeknights at parties, at concerts, and playing basketball in the park. "No point in rubbing in the fact that no matter how busy things are, I leave at exactly 5 p.m. every single day.

...

This really makes me go hmmmm.

______________________________

After like 4 horrible days without baseball, the Milwaukee Brewers and I return to Miller Park for a game against the Colorado Rockies. Awesome.

Have a good weekend jerks.

5 Things: Brewpub edition

2007-07-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

So I've noticed that a lot of webloggers do a recurring feature of some sort. Like, maybe they answer [fake] reader mail on Fridays or maybe they make a list of Six Songs that they're currently digging. One weblog I've been reading a lot lately ranks their commentors each week. I was thinking that I need something like this. I really like lists. Now, I like all of the ideas of my fellow webloggers that I mentioned above, but they would be impossible for me. I can't do reader mail, because I don't have any readers. Not even fake ones. I think my six songs would be pretty much the same every week. And I don't get enough comments to rank my commentors (although the post below is doing all right. I rule!). So since I can't copy these guys, I'm going to copy David Letterman. Well not exactly. Each Thursday I'm going to make a list of 5 things. Lists rule. And I do too.

The following is my list of 5 dominant brew pubs. This is largely (but not entirely) a regional list since I haven't visited too many brewpubs outside of Wisconsin. But there are a shitload of brewpubs in Wisconsin and I've patronized most of them. I think that I can safely say that this list probably represents the best brewpubs in the United States... possibly.. the world. It's also topical because there is a bill before the Wisconsin Senate that is pissing of some brewpubs owners. Basically, the bill makes it difficult for brewpubs that sell food to also sell their beer to other bars or liquor stores. In protest, the owner of the Milwaukee Ale House, um, dumped a bunch of beer in the Milwaukee river. I think he was trying to mimic the Boston Tea Party or something, but it was still a really stupid thing to do. They have some good beer for Chrisake. It seems like a waste to just dump it into the river. They could have at leasr given it to homeless people. Anyway, I don't really "understand" the bill or the protest, but I know that it has something to do with beer. And I like beer. And here are 5 dominant brewpubs:

1. The Great Dane. The Dane is located on King St., just off the Capital Square in Madison, WI. There are actually three locations, but the other two feel more like Applebees than Brewpubs. They all have the same dominant beer, but the downtown location is the best. They have six nice pool tables and good food. They also have really good beer. My favorite is the Devil's Lake Red. It's awesome. It has a creamy head, almost like a Boddington's, but it's red. The Peck's Pils is also good, but I think it has cocaine in it or something. Every time I drink the Pils I end up waking up on my back in the Capital's lawn.

2. The Lakefront Brewery. The Lakefront Brewery is located on Commerce Ave. in Milwaukee, WI. I suppose that technically it's a microbrewery as opposed to a brewpub, but that distinction is largely illusory because you can definitely go to the Lakefront Brewery and get shit-faced. You can also get a Friday fish fry. As far as I'm concerned, that makes it a pub. The LFB, which is not on the lakefront, was opened when two brothers that were both home-brewers bought an old bakery and turned it into a brewery. They eventually upgraded to a bigger building on the Milwaukee River. It was basically the only building for like a mile. But lately, condos have been sprouting up all around the joint. So basically, these guys have themselves a goldmine. The best thing about the Lakefront Brewery is the tour. It costs $5 and includes a pint glass and five beers. I used to live a few hundred yards away so I've taken the tour about twenty times. Unlike the Miller tour, which is led by some rando college chick majoring in marketing or something, the LFB tour is often led by the owners, or at least the guys that make the beer. Also, you get your free beer before and during the tour instead of at the end. The LFB also owns Bernie Brewer's old chalet and slide from County Stadium. On some tours they let you go down the slide. But lately I think they've shied away from that because of the liability issues that surround a big slide coupled with lots of beer. Their best beer is the East Side Dark, but they also have some atypical varieties like the coffee-flavored Fuel Cafe, and the pumpkin pie flavored Pumpkin Lager. That last one actually isn't as bad as it sounds. And I'm definitely a guy that prefers his beer to be beer-flavored.

3. The Milwaukee Ale House. The Ale House is located on Water Street in Milwaukee's third ward. It's right on the river, which makes for a lovely outdoor dining experience. They usually have solid bands playing on weekends too. Their best brew is definitely Louie's Demise. Louie's Demise is named after somebody's (I'm not sure who's) great great uncle Louie, who was killed with a beer glass in a barroom scuffle. Or something like that. Stupid story, but a good beer.

They also have a good one called Sheepshead Stout, which, obvious to Milwaukeeans, is named after the popular card game.

4. The Wasatch Pub & Brewery. I first encountered Wasatch beer at the Salt Lake City airport on my way to Vegas. We had a layover so we stopped for a beer at the nearest bar in the terminal. We were a little worried that a beer would be hard to find in Utah, given the state's reputation for being fucking crazy. But we learned very quickly that at least one person in the state of Utah has a sense of humor. Wasatch's flagship brew is called Polygamy Porter. Awesome. And it's not just a clever name, it's pretty good. A little lighter and sweeter than your average porter, but very tasty. They also brew a First Amendment Lager and an Evolution Ale. I bet the locals love them.

5. Goose Island. Goose Island is a Chicago Brew Pub in Wrigleyville. I've been to Goose Island a bunch of times. Their beer is solid and their food is satisfying enough (although last time I was there, I think it may have done some damage. Until I can confirm that, it's staying in the top 5). I'm a big fan of their main beverage, Honkers Ale. It's also a brilliant business plan in my book. And those goose head taps are sharp marketing.

That's all I got for my first 5 Things. If I feel like it, I'll do another one next Thursday. Also, if you happen to be the proprietor of a brew pub that I did not mention and you think you deserve a spot on my list, please send me some of your beer and I will consider revising my list.

Baby Shower

2007-07-09T19:27:00.000-07:00

Gather 'round guys, because I have a secret to tell you all. I went to a baby shower... and it was worse than you could possibly imagine. "Showers" [both kinds] have been a mystery to me for most of my life. As far as I could tell, showers [both kinds] were just a bunch of chicks getting together and doing things that don't make a lick of sense. I didn't know, or care, what those things were, but I knew they didn't make any sense. So I was both intrigued and terrified when my ol' pal Bill (probably not his real name) and his, um... baby's momma, sent me an invitation to a co-ed baby shower.

On the day of the "party" I stopped by the Brewers' pro-shop to get Bill's future daughter her first Brewer t-shirt. I then picked up my other ol' pal Chris (probably not his real name either) and headed out to Franklin, WI for what would be the longest 3 hours of our lives. Three more of the ol' friends were invited and none of them showed up. Assholes. Absolutely brilliant assholes.

[Now, I should preface this by telling you that Bill's situation isn't exactly "traditional." He hadn't been dating/seeing/banging/whatever his baby's momma for very long before they got a start on their family. The child is, as they say, an "oops." But Bill has grown up very fast in the last few months. He's actually done everything right in this situation (except for not getting his girlfriend pregnant). He's making every effort to help her along, he's open to taking their relationship to the next level, but doesn't seem to be pushing it or anything. He moved close by her. And from what I can tell, he's pretty excited to be a dad. Nice work Bill, you'll do fine.]

Bill greeted Chris and I at the door, and boy was he glad to see us. He already looked frazzled (and at least a little tipsy) and it was obvious Billy was in for a long day. Also in attendance were Billy's parents (who I would learn don't like each other vary much), about 20 members of Bill's baby's momma's family and some friends. I'd estimate that the male to female ratio at this co-ed baby shower was about 1 to 5, although some of those chicks may have been dudes. By far the most well-represented subgroup in attendance was "aunts." Regardless, they were all looking at Chris and I like we had leprosy and we were looking at them like they were really unattractive chicks, which is to say we weren't looking at them at all.

Apparently, at baby showers, you play games. Really stupid games. Here are some of the games that were played:

Game #1-Answer 20 random questions about the couple, how they met, stuff from their childhoods etc. This game [like the whole party] was a little awkward because their "how they met" story isn't exactly a "meet cute," as they say in Hollywood [yes, I am familiar with romantic comedy terminology]. They met at work, but I think the courtship involved lots of booze and myspace.

Game #2-Blind taste-test some random baby food and guess what kind of dead bugs it was made from.

Game #3-I'm not sure what the next game was, but I saw Bill's baby's momma's momma putting a candy bar in a diaper, and I think she microwaved it. That was my cue to grab Chris and go hang out outside for a while. If any of my female readers [yes, I realize that I don't really have any female readers... because I'm a jerk] happen to know how this game works, could you please explain it?

After the games, we ate some food. And then we watched Bill and Bill's baby's momma open presents... for fourteen hours straight. Wanna know what they got? A lot of baby clothes and stuff! Who would have guessed? Apparently chicks like these "shower" things [both kinds], but my advice to you guys is this: Never ever go to a co-ed shower [this advice obviously only applies to one of the two kinds of shower].

Summerfest

2007-07-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

I finally made it to Summerfest on Saturday night. I missed the first weekend due to the Chicago trip [new pictures have been added to that post], and was unable to go during the week because the man was holding me down. (Screw you real world!) For my [one or two] non-Milwaukeean readers, Summerfest is this big annual music festival. I've heard people say that it's the biggest music festival in the world, and based on attendance, it might be; there are like 13 stages on the grounds hosting acts that range from awesome to shitty, it's 10 days long, and it's not geared towards one particular genre of music like Bonaroo (jam bands), Lollapalooza ("alternative" bands, whatever that means), Ozzfest (guys that wear jean shorts), or Countryfest (guys that wear jean shorts and silly hats). At Summerfest, it's not uncommon to see Ludacris and Toby Keith headline on the same stage on consecutive nights. What I like about summerfest is that the bands that headline the smaller stages are the bands that were awesome when I was 13. Saturday night actually presented a dilemma for me because two bands that were wildly popular in my youth, Live and Collective Soul, were both playing at the same time. Actually Guster was playing at that time too, but I saw them last year and preferred the nostalgia that would come with the "alternative" rock stylings of Live or Collective Soul. But which one?

I met some friends for Mexican food and margaritas at Botanna's and then headed into the festival. It was about 125 degrees out and the whole "cooler near the lake" thing was not doing it's job. I think the massive sweaty crowd of chubby Milwaukeeans increased the temp an additional million degrees (to 1,000,125 degrees). After some beer-drinking and people-watching, we ran into some of my old friends from my collegetrack team, most notably, former roomie Kev-O. Kev-O is unique in that his favorite band of all time is... Collective Soul. Who's favorite band is Collective Soul? I mean, I suppose they're a very good band, but all-time favorite? Really? Anyway, this decided it for me. I wanted to see Collective Soul with Kev-O, so my friends and I joined him, his wife B, other former college runner bud R, and really really hot runner chick K. The show was pretty solid. I found that I knew almost all of the songs they played, even though I wouldn't have thought that I would prior to the show. Good times were had by all.

After the show, we walked to The Milwaukee Ale House. This was stupid because we could have easily taken an air-conditioned cab instead of walking [almost] a mile in the 1,000,125 degree heat. But the people I was with were all people I ran with in college, and apparently distance runners from small towns are anti-taxi. Or maybe they just don't get how public transportation works. When I suggested a cab, hot chick K said "ooh, can I call it? like on tv?" and started waving her hand in the air. How cute. But we were overruled by Kev-O and R and settled for a long sweaty stroll.

In the [local] News...

2007-07-06T18:01:00.000-07:00

The Brewers just dropped three games to the Bucs from Pittsburgh. What was the cause of this slide? Problems in the clubhouse? Is PNC Park cursed? Did the pirates just get hot? Or maybe the Crew was kept up all night by the most fucked up convention I've ever heard of taking place in their hotel:

Much of the conversation in the Brewers' clubhouse centered on the other guests at the team hotel. There was an Anthrocon convention in town, drawing people interested in anthropomorphics, described as "humanlike animal characters." Members of the organization also are known as "furries," because they wear outfits designed to make them look part animal, particularly cartoon animals. Apparently, the convention attendees really get into the transformation. "I didn't get a lot of sleep," J.J. Hardy said. "There were people in the room next to mine barking all night."

Whaaaaaaatttttttt?!?!?!? Furries?!?! Barking all night?!?! What the hell is that?

Okay, so I looked this crap up on Wikipedia and it turns out that "Anthrocon" is the largest "furry convention" in the world and is held annually in Pitt. Like 2500 people go to this thing, dress up in mascot costumes, have a dance, watch a puppet show... you know, normal stuff like that. And according to JJ Hardy, after that they go back to their rooms and... bark like dogs.

Here is a picture of the "fursuit dance" from Wikipedia:

Who are these people?
___________________

Sadly, and in the wake of Joey Chestnut's 4th of July defeat of Tekaru Kobayashi, Johnsonville has stated that they would no longer be sponsoring the Bratwurst eating world championships. Last year, Kobayashi crushed the world record by eating 58 Brats in 10 minutes. The competitive eating world would be clamoring for this event so soon after Chestnut's win in hot dogs on the forth. The Brat rematch would have been one for the ages. This is a big loss for Sheboygan, WI and the world.

___________________

It's the final weekend of Summerfest, the world's largest music festival. I'm planning on going tomorrow to catch Old 97s and Guster and prolly get a Sazz's sampler platter.

Transformers

2007-07-05T06:45:00.000-07:00

Holy Shit. I just saw Transformers and it blew my mind. Thank you Ronald Reagan for making this movie possible. You are truly a great American. [Prior to 1984, the FCC forbid toy companies from making program-length commercials. But the Reagan administration got rid of that reg and paved the way for program-length commercials for toys like "Transformers," "Strawberry Shortcake" and "Masters of the Universe," among others. That's right, my favorite TV show ~~when I was nine~~ was just a commercial.] I'm sure my appreciation for this flick is mostly based on nostalgia. When I first saw the Autobots driving in a caravan down a dessert highway, I got goosebumps. Awesome stuff.

Michael Bay has never made a movie that I would call "good," but I think he was a good guy to direct Transformers. You don't really need "character development" or "believability" or "a plot" in a movie about giant alien robots that turn into cars that come to Earth to fight other giant alien robots. And Bay actually made a couple improvements to the Transformers mythology. Most notable is that none of them drastically change size when they transform. When I was a kid I had a huge problem with the fact that the Megatron character was totally gay. He changed from a 30-foot tall robot into a little handgun. It was just retarded. Usually, Soundwave would fire Megatron when he was in gun-form. Soundwave was pretty lame too. He changed from a giant robot into... a tape player. In case the Deceptacons wanted to... like... record something... onto a cassette tape. The concept of Megatron turning into a gun and Soundwave shooting him at the Autobots would be akin to Darth Vader turning into a lightsaber and having one of those A-holes in the grey suits that he always chokes to death go after Chewbacca with it. Well in the Transformers movie, Soundwave doesn't appear and instead of being a little handgun, Megatron is this big-ass jet thing. Most of the Autobots were changed into GM cars for obvious product placement reasons too. The biggest change being that Bumblebee is a Camarro instead of a Beetle, like Herbie the Lovebug or the car that Mandie Moore drives in the video for Candy. Thanks again President Reagan.

[Spoiler warning]

So anyway, the "plot" of Transformers is that there are these huge sentient robots from planet Cybertron. They destroyed their own civilization through wars and stuff and were scattered across the galaxy. They're looking for this thing called the "allspark," which transforms electronic stuff into living creatures. It is essentially the Transformer God, except that it's a big cube instead of a muscular guy with a magic hammer like our god.

So the allspark ended up on Earth and was discovered frozen in the arctic circle by some old explorer dude a hundred years ago. He discovered Megatron there too. This old explorer dude's grandson, Sam, now has some artifacts from grandpa's exploration, including a pair of glasses that Megatron etched instructions for finding the allspark on.

The Deceptacons learn this and go after Sam, while the Autobots try to protect him and find the allspark themselves. A 1 hour, 45 minute car-chase/shootemup/robot fight follows. Awesomeness ensues. The end.

Transformers isn't without it's problems. It had several massive plot-holes, as is common in Michael Bay movies. And there was a little too much ham involved. They tried to make the characters more contemporary or something. Like they made the character Jazz a total douchebag. He was all "hip-hop" or something. I was happy when Megatron tore him in half.

But the biggest problem was the two assholes sitting behind me in the theater that wouldn't shut the hell up for the entire movie. Could someone please explain to me why two people that wanted to have a conversation would go to a movie? Why not go get some coffee or a beer? Why not just sit in your F-ing living room for Chrisake? We avoided the Mayfair theater because we didn't want to deal with this garbage. But I guess people talk in movies at the FoxBay theater too. I would have said something, but I think that people who talk in movies usually pack heat too. Also, these two assholes appeared to like the Jazz character, who, as I previously noted, was a douchebag.

You callll this a storrrmm?!?!

2007-07-04T08:56:00.000-07:00

Happy Independence Day all. Here in Brew City, the major fireworks display is called "The Big Bang." Or maybe that's the fireworks display for the start of Summerfest. Whatever. Anyway, it always takes place on July 3rd. A far as I can tell, the reason is that that way, everyone from the burbs can see downtown fireworks one night and then their local fireworks display the next. We Midwesterners love blowing stuff up, and two nights of explosions are better than one. [Have you ever noticed how many descriptive words that we associate with fireworks and explosions are also sex words? Like "bang" and "blow" and "roman candle"?].

We got to Juneau Park around 7:00 and despite the inclement weather, it was pretty crowded. Around 9:00 it started to downpour and we decided to hustle back to my apartment to wait it out. The news told us that show was still going to happen so we braved the weather and headed back out into the storm. There's a staircase right across the street from my apartment that leads down to the lakefront, so we set up shop there and had a pretty good view. It was a very good show. What made it especially cool was that ~~God~~ Thor decided to add some of his own fireworks:

[Foreground display provided by the Bartolotta family, background by Thor and his magic hammer Mjolnir]

Chicago

2007-07-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

I just returned from a whirlwind 32 hour trip to Chicago for some baseball games. Lots of fun times were had, I saw one big Brewer victory and one disappointing loss, oh, and my body absolutely hates me right now. The trip went like this:

Saturday, June 30 at...

7:01 am. I woke up early. Lots to get done before I boarded the train to Chicago. I felt pretty good about the upcoming games even in spite of the brutal 6-5 loss on Friday after Aramis Ramirez's walk-off dinger against us. If you want to see it, watch this clip. But pay special attention to the post-dinger celebration. The Cubs are obviously very, um, "close"...

(Edit: That youtube video keeps getting taken down so watch it here)

7:22 am. Got ready. I Drank a glass of Ovaltine and walked to the Wallgreens down the street for camera batteries, memory card, Redbull, tagboard and rubber cement. Had a Wallgreens employee making minimum wage look at me like I was completely bonkers.

7:45 am. Made sign. I went with "2007 - THE HUNT FOR NED'S OCTOBER" Get it? Ned refers to Ned Yost, the Brewer's GM, and October is obviously a reference to the playoffs. I'm so fucking clever. Actually I'm not. Some guy on the Brewerfan.net message board is so fucking clever.

9:30 am: Made sure I was properly attired. I went to Grand Avenue Mall and purchased a new Ryan Braun jersey. I wanted to get Matt Wise, but I don't think they make Matt Wise jerseys. The only person with a Matt Wise jersey is Matt Wise. It's kind of too bad, because Wise is a real card. The man missed half a season due to a salad tongs injury. But he's been kicking butt this year. Anyway, I instead settled for the young slugger/Robert-Downy-Jr.-look-a-like.

10:50 am: Boarded train. A former classmate of mine happened to be riding on the same train. So that was nice. But what wasn't nice is that, as far as I could tell, there was no bar aboard the train. I'm new at train travel, but I was expecting a bar. I've been totally misled by Jason Mulgrew.

12:24 pm: Arrived at Union Station. I made a quick call to Matt to tell him to pick me up. While I'm waiting a little kid in a Redsox shirt standing near me looks at my Brewers jersey and says, "Brewers? I like the Redsox." Did I get on the wrong train that somehow took me to Boston in an hour and 34 minutes? "The Redsox are oh-kay kid, but I like the Crew." See ya later kid. At least you're not a Cubs fan.

12:32 pm: Matt arrived in his ridiculously large Toyota truck. Who drives a ridiculously huge Toyota truck in Chicago? Matt does.

[A funny story about Matt's ridiculously large Toyota truck: the tires of the truck have these sensors that monitor the pressure. If one of the tires has lower pressure than the others, a light goes on on the dashboard. The light went on so Matt checked all the tires and the pressure was fine on all of them. He consulted the ol' interweb to see what the problem might be. He was advised to check the spare tire, because it too had a sensor. So Matt checked the spare tire, which was... gone. Stolen. So I guess those sensors and warning lights are good for something.]

So Matt picked me up in his spare-tire-less, ridiculously large Toyota truck. Also present were Pretty Paul and his brother Brian, who would be attending the game with us.

1:15 pm: Pre-gamed. We hit The Cubby Bear for some pre-game drinking. You might think that with a name like "The Cubby Bear," this bar would embrace all things Chicago. But don't be fooled. It's a Packer Bar. My brother joined us for beers, but he had to miss this game. We drank several rounds of over-priced Miller Lites. The Crew was well represented here, which was a good sign. Although the "Biggest Douchebag in the Bar" award would have to go to one of our fans. There was a guy wearing a custom Brewers jersey adorned with the #4 and the name " Favre." I hate to tell you this buddy, but Favre only playes football, the #4 belongs exclusively to a guy named Molitor, and you're a douchebag.

Here's a picture of us at The Cubby Bear:

2:40 pm: Entered the Ballpark. We crossed the street and headed into the stadium.

[By the way, when Miller Park was being built, there was some debate about where it should be located. Some people wanted it to be down town instead of in the middle of nowhere. The pro-middle of nowhere crowd cited "tailgating" as one argument in their favor (parking, cost and some other crap were sited as well). That's a solid argument, but I really really really wish they would have built it down town. I love a good tailgate party, but there's something truly awesome about having a stadium in a neighborhood. There is something even more awesome about walkin 100 yards from a bar to your seat in the park.]

2:50 pm: Found our seats. We were in about the 13th row, on the first base side out in right field. Great seats. Wrigley Field is really a very cool ballpark. It's like going back in time. It's all brick and iron, nothing fancy. I don't even think it has electricity. The scoreboard was a bit charming, but sort of difficult to follow. On this day, it wouldn't matter.

2:51 pm: Got Beer. We ordered a round of... Old Styles? Wha??? Like "Pure brewed in God's country" Old Style? I thought I'd be stuck drinking Anheuser Busch products at this dump, but Old Style would do just fine. Although it's no longer pure brewed in God's Country (LaCrosse, Wisconsin) it is pure brewed in Milwaukee since Miller contract-brews Pabst products these days.

3:00 pm: Got on TV? The Fox Sports camera guy was all over us for like an inning and a half. As far as I know we didn't get on tv though. Did anyone out there see us on tv? Four jerks in Brewer gear on the first base side with a cool sign?

3:15ish: Watched some ball. Nice hit Hart, Nice hit JJ, RBI Double for Ryan Braun! RBI Double for Prince Fielder! Looking good so far. The Crew would bat around the order in the first and score four runs.

4:15ish: Established dominance. The Crew is now up 9 to 2 in the third inning. Everybody is hitting. We had a round of kosher dogs and several more rounds of Old Style. Some girls two rows in the row in front of use invite us to a "singles party." We never made it though.

4:30ish: Ran into a friend. I headed out to find the little cowboy's room and ran into my good friend Kyle! Small world. There really were a ton of Crew fans there! We man-hugged near the concession stand and had a quick chat about how awesome the Brewers are etc. etc.

4:35ish: Took leak. Yeah, the bathrooms here really do just have troughs to piss in. No privacy at all. It really is like going back in time here. It looks kinda like this:

5:15ish: Sang. Seventh inning strech. 41,ooo fans sing "...for it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the ooold baallll gaame!" Four 4 jerks out in right field then sing "Rolllll Outt the barelll, we'll have a barell of funnnn...." It was great. A few Cubs fans threw beer and peanuts at us [I guess they don't like fun] but we were mostly well received.

6:15ish: Picked up the bro. I made a quick stop at the bro's place so I could drop off the sign and pick up the brother.

6:20ish: Drank more beer. We went to a bar called Moe's Cantina. Lots of Brewer fans were out celebrating. Most of us switched to Redbull-based drinks, hit on some ladies etc. My bro took off soon after. He's married and wasn't up for the general debauchery that was ahead for the rest of us.

8:00ish: Ate. Got some grub at Goose Island. I think it sucked, but I could be wrong.

9:15ish: Got bounced. We went back to Moe's Cantina, but this time, they wouldn't let us in... Because we were wearing baseball jerseys. It sounded a little fishy to me since the place wasn't exactly a club and the guys wearing the baby blue Robin Yount jersey and the pinstripe Ryan Braun jersey probably aren't in a gang. But whatever, we were happy to take our business elsewhere.

9:20ish: Got bounced again. Feeling jilted by Moe's, we went next door to John Barleycorn's. And they wouldn't let us in because we were wearing hats. Milwaukee Brewers hats. Now, I know for a fact that John Barleycorn's isn't anything close to a club. What the hell is wrong with this town. It's Wrigleyville for Chrisake, aren't they used to post-baseball game festivities?

10:00ish: Drank. We then went to a bar called Red Ivy where we spent the majority of the evening. Stuff starts to get very blurry at this point so the remaining times are "give or take 3 hours." We started talking to some relatively plain girls from Appleton, WI--Matt's home town. That got old fast so we moved on. Some Asian girls in white dresses started talking to Matt and I. They seemed innocent at first but... Anyway, we moved on and started talking with a group of Brewer fans at the bar, did some shots, danced like idiots (we danced in the polka and square styles. Heh.), hit on girls etc.

2:10ish: Bartime. So we moved on to a bar that's opened past bartime. Why don't we have these in Milwaukee?

2:20ish: Ate bad pizza. Stop for pizza at Pizza Ria, and boy did it suck. Sorry guys, but you can't put ketchup on a cracker and tell me it's pizza no matter how much I've had to drink. We met some young ladies though. However, Matt pissed them off when he dumped crushed red peppers all over their food.

3:00ish: Drank. We arrived at Frank's, a Sinatra-themed bar.

3:10ish: Vomitted. I threw up some black stuff. This was quite odd since I don't remember eating anything black...

4:00ish: Left. Had a spirited debate with Matt about whether we should walk back or get a cab. In the end, we pooled our remaining few dollars and flagged down a cab.

All in all, it was a very fun night.

Sunday, 7/1/07

9:22am: Woke up. I woke up with a painful case of hiccups/heartburn/acid reflux. Apparently I didn't get all of that black stuff out of me the previous evening. It wasn't the typical hangover ailments, this was a whole new animal to me and this animal really really sucked. I pounded some water, had some peanut butter toast and put on SportsCenter. [Now I've never been a big fan of Sportscenter and I rarely watch it. It's times like this that I realize why. What a stupid show. They devoted about 18 pico-seconds to my first place Brewers and like 45 minutes to this garbage team with a sub-500 record called the Yankees. What the hell is that? But to make it worse, they are doing this thing right now called "Who's Now?" They set up this bullshit bracket system to determine "who's now?" Answer: who cares? It works like this: each episode or day or something, that guy with the lazy eye takes two random athletes that the dipshits at SportsCenter embody a nonsense characterization they call "now," or more moronically, "nowness." Like this morning, it was Tiger Woods versus Matt Leinert. Voters are supposed to determine whether the greatest golfer to ever live is more "now" than some mediocre quarterback. So Stu Scott listed the accomplishments of the two. First, Tiger's massive collection of major victories and whatnot. Then he listed Leinert's accomplishments, which included, I shit you not, "rumored to have dated Paris Hilton and Britney Spears." What? I thought this was SPORTScenter? Is "nowness" determined by how many skanks an athlete bangs?] That was enough of that. Matt woke up and we headed out the door for game two.

11:25 am: Evaluated finances. We stopped back at Frank's so I could, you know, close my tab... Ooops.

12:13 pm: Beer and bags. Arrived at my brother's place for some beanbags and beer. The bro destroyed us all at beanbags, but I blame my acid reflux.

1:10 pm: Left for the park. We saw this enterprising young man on the way:

He's selling Mak's Curse-killin Lemonade. I like the curse, but I thought the kid was pretty cool so I forked over the the $.75. I don't think that Country-time crap is going to have much of an effect on the Cubs' curse anyway.

1:20 pm: Found our seats. This time we were on the third base side. One other thing I found charming about Wrigley Field was this:

This is a professional baseball stadium, not a sports bar. But there are all of these random 19 inch TVs all over the place. They aren't even uniform. It's like they were acquired during different Walmart specials over the years. But what makes them even funnier is that United Airlines apparently sponsors these random 19 inch TVs.

1:25: Close to death. My acid reflux was still kicking my ass. I was seriously dying there.

2:00: Get some Tums. I finally decide to see if I can find some Tums in this stadium. I locate an usher and she had some generic Tums in her little medical bag. She was also pretty cute. Thank you cute Wrigley Field usher girl. You saved my life.

1:20-4:20: Watched baseball. The game was mostly uneventful, with the only highlight being a Corey Hart home run, which continued his hitting streak to 17 games. Nice work Corey.

After the game, I hung out with my brother and his wife for a while, grilled some dinner and caught the train back to Milwaukee. And I'm spent.

Miller-time at Miller Park, great invention, signs

2007-06-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

Is there anything sweeter than hitting a walk-off homer in a stadium that shares your surname? It's stories like this that make baseball great. The Brewers' backup catcher is an aging veteran and native son of LaCrosse, Wisconsin named Damian Miller. Damian's a solid ball-player. He's past his prime but he's a reliable back-up. The fans generally like Damian, but I'm guessing they don't sell out of Damian Miller jerseys at the pro-shop.

Every year, a sizable contingent of people from LaCrosse board several tour busses and travel to Milwaukee for a game on "LaCrosse Day." I'm not sure if it's the chamber of commerce that organizes it or some of the very many bars up there or what. Apparent, last year, Miller didn't start that game. Since we didn't have Johnny "Carne" Estrada last year, that means that Chad "shitty baseball player" Moeller started. That was a pretty big (though probably inadvertent) "fuck you" to Miller and the fans that came all the way down for the game. Apparently, this year Ned Yost got a few letters from fans from that area asking that he start Miller on "LaCrosse" day this year.

He was glad he did. On the one day of the year that one of the more prevalent jerseys in the stands was his, Damian Miller went 3-5 with 4 RBIs. The highlight though, was his walk-off 3-run home run in the 11th. Nice work Damian, nice work. That right there is the stuff dreams are made of.

[By the way, I love this team. How could anyone not love this team. Just look at these guys. They look like a bunch of kids on Christmas. Well, except Damian Miller. He looks like an old man on Christmas. Do other teams have this much fun? Do they laugh like this? Do they even like eachother like these guys seem to? Maybe I'm biased, but I've never really seen the Yankees acting like this after any win.]

[Also, look how tall Corey Hart is. And what is Geoff Jenkins doing?-- "c'mon ride that train..."]

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They say that necessity is the mother of invention. In Milwaukee, I guess necessity has led to the invention of this:

You know, for those times when you have a bratwurst in one hand and, like, your newborn child in the other. Seriously, if I see you wearing one of these, and you have things in your hands, I will take your beer away from you.

___________________

Okay, one more thing. I'm venturing into enemy territory this weekend to watch the Brewers play the Cubbies at Wrigley Field. I will certainly be clad from head to toe in Brewer gear, but I think I'm going to make a sign too. I have a few ideas ["Bong Hits for Jesus" maybe?] but I haven't decided for sure. So what do you, my two or three readers, think I should put on my sign that would get me on ESPN? Oh, and it would be nice, although not necessary, if it was something that wouldn't get me beat up.

More Brewers stuff, and tips for effective bologna-detection

2007-06-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

Ho-lee-shit do I have a case of Brewer-Fever. I just got back from the Brewers-Astros game and boy oh boy was that some fun baseball (my Brewer-fever is making me use childish sayings from the first half of the 20th century like "boy oh boy"). The Crew got off to an early lead with a two-run dinger by rookie-phenom/Robert-Downey-Jr.-look-alike Ryan Braun. The 'stros battled back and, heading into the bottom of the 6th, had a 4-2 lead on the Crew. But in the bottom of the 6th, the Crew opened up an inflation-fighter-sized can of wup-ass. Rickie Weeks drove in three runs with a tripple. Then, aging mediocre veteran Tony Graffanino added a two-run homer. But the crew was not done with the 6th inning yet. Johnny [Carne] Estrada added another 4 runs with a grand slam. Nice work Johnny. The Crew won 11 to 5. The Cubs also won so the Crew remains 7.5 games ahead in the NL Central.

This weekend, I will be following my Crew to Chicago to watch them battle the Cubs at Wrigley field. I hope I don't get beat up. But more than that, I hope the Brewers stomp the Cubs.

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Speaking of not wanting to get beat up by guys that root for a different baseball team than I root for, I've been thinking about being argumentative a lot lately. As I stated in my first post on this here blog, I'm trying to stop talking about religion, politics or any other issue that people "feel strongly" about. You see, one of my biggest faults is that what I see as a "discussion," others often see as an "argument." I've only recently come to this realization. I will often be discussing a topic with a friend or acquaintance, and finding the discussion interesting and informative (or totally boring), and also be completely oblivious to the fact that the other party wants to rip my balls off. I'm not sure quite why this is.

For instance, the other day this guy on my Frisbee team was telling me that Alexander Flemming's father saved Winston Churchill from drowning, and in return, Winston Churchill's father put Alexander Flemming through medical school, enabling him to discover penicillin and that later, penicillin saved Winston Churchill's life. He told this story in a group and everyone else seemed to just eat it up. I was extremely skeptical. To me, this was a situation in which we should all discuss the story and try to determine whether or not it was true. So I said, "where did you hear that, in a forwarded email?" He didn't directly answer but assured me it was true--he had heard it from a reliable source and he had a history major and didn't have any reason to doubt it. I knew it was not true. It's not that I knew details of the lives of Churchill or Flemming that conflicted with the story. In fact, all I did know about either of them that might be relevant is that they did live at about the same time in about the same part of the world. But I have a finely tuned bologna-detector, and I thought it would be benficial for all of us present to know for sure whether or not the story was true. If you'd like to tune your bologna-detector, here is a rule of thumb for all of you to follow:

If somebody tells you a story that involves an extreme coincidence that could be used to underscore some sort of life lesson (i.e. "what goes around, comes around") the story is almost certainly bullshit.

Luckily, (or so I thought) I had my blackberry on me so we could determine whether or not Frisbee team-mate's story was true. I quickly pulled up Snopes.com and determined that the story was indeed a load of garbage. [By the way, how sweet is the internet? A decade ago we would have had to leave the issue unresolved. Of course, since I'm almost sure he heard the story via the internet, maybe bullshit was less pervasive a decade ago too.] I thought I was doing the Frisbee team-mate, and the group a favor by making sure they did not walk away from this round of beers with a bullshit "fact" in their heads. To me it was a discussion. It was finding and discussing information. But Frisbee team-mate seemed almost upset. And I don't understand why. Does that story lose something if you preface it with "I read this bullshit email forward that said..."? Does it matter who was right as long as we eventually found out what the right answer was? Anyway, having a functioning bologna-detector is both a blessing and a curse.

Summer Solstice Festival, Comparing Mustached Brewers to Non-Mustached Brewers, and more Showtime on Demand

2007-06-25T06:39:00.000-07:00

On Saturday night, former roomie B and I met J&S at the East Side Summer Solstice Music Festival. It's basically a block party on North Ave. between Oakland and Farwell, on the "fashionable" east side. B was a bachelor for the weekend because the missus was in DC. I'm a big fan of these block party type festivals. I know Summerfest is the "Big Gig" around here, but I actually prefer these smaller down-town festivals. I think what I really enjoy more than anything on the planet is drinking beer outside. Call me easy to please, but if it's a nice night and I'm outside with a cold beer, I'm a happy man. We mostly just hung around, listened to some bands, watched some guy juggle stuff that was on fire, and listened to J's fiance tell me that I'm sexist. Good times were had by all.
_________________

I went in to the office during the day on Saturday. One of my bosses, who is a big Brewer fan, was there as well. We got to talking about how the current Crew would stack up against the '82 squad.

[By the way, is anyone else around here getting a little sick of this 25th anniversary of the 1982 AL Champion Brewers thing? It's everywhere. Vintage commercials, promo DVDs, bobblehead dolls of the '82 squad... I mean, it was a great team and all, but we LOST the '82 World Series for Chrisake. I realize that this is all the success the Milwaukee Brewers ever had [so far], and that it's not as much about the record as it is about how the mustached personality of the Crew reflected the beer-bellied culture of the city, but let's start concentrating on this year's team.]

So the boss was pretty sure that the '82 squad and their mustaches were measurably better than the 2007 Crew. He noted that they hit an insane amount of home runs. I replied that we've hit more dingers than all but one other team in baseball right now and we're in the National League. He mentioned the rotation anchored by filthy mustached pitchers Vuckavich and Caldwell. I replied that we have like 8 guys on our team that would start for most teams in baseball, and a solid ace in Sheets. He mentioned mustached reliever Rollie Fingers. I responded that numbers-wise, Cordero is better. He mentioned that 82 defense, with Yount at Shortstop and Molitor at second. I... had to concede that one.

Anyway, I decided to consult the ol' baseball almanac to see how the offense on the current roster stacks up against the 82 squad. To begin with, as I'm writing this, the Crew is 43-32. The '82 squad was 42-32-1 after 75 games. So that's slightly better. I just looked at offensive stats for the top 8 starters for both teams since the 82 team was in the American League and it doesn't seem fair to compare a pitcher-less offense to one with a pitcher.

The Mustached squad of Ted Simmons, Cecil Cooper, Jim Gantner, Paul Molitor [the only non-mustached player on the team, presumably clean-shaven to facilitate his cocaine use], Robin Yount, Ben Oglivie, Gorman Thomas and Charlie Moore hit for an average of 282, an OBP of 337, SLG of 462, and 186 dingers.

The non-mustached squad of Johnny Estrada, Prince Fielder, Rickie Weeks, Ryan Braun, JJ Hardy, Geoff Jenkins, Billy Hall and Corey Hart are currently hitting for a 288 average, a 353 OBP, 514 SLG and are on pace to hit 196 dingers.

I'm no mathematician, but this strikes me as a better offense. I should note that, due to my laziness, Ryan Braun's projected home runs in this model are only 11 because I used the same multiplier I did for the rest of the team even though he's hit 5 in like just 23 games rather than in the 75 games or whatever. I think, realistically, he could hit 20 or 25. It's also interesting to note that the average age on this team is like thirteen or something.
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I've been watching a lot of Showtime On Demand lately because [the pricks at] Time Warner Cable gave me six months free. I just watched Season 1 of Dexter. That is one messed up television program. The plot of the show is that the dude from Six Feet Under is a serial killer, but as a child, his step father realized he was fucked up and sort of taught him how to manage his little problem. So Dexter lives by this "Code of Harry" under which he kills people, but he only kills killers. He works as a forensics analyst specializing in "blood spatter analysis" (is that a real job?) for the Miami police. It's a pretty good show. From the very get-go, I told myself "there is no way they can make me like this character." But they did. Which kind of freaks me out. There are some very serious plausibility issues going on in the show, but overall, it's entertaining and different. And the Six Feet Under dude plays "creepy" very very well.

The view from Section 408

2007-06-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended the baseball match between the Milwaukee Brewers and the Kansas City Royals. The Crew spanked the Royals 11-6.

(By the way, it should be imminently clear from the amount of page I've dedicating to the Crew of late that I got me a serious case of Brewer-Fever. I swear there are other things rambling around in my [little, pea-] brain right now and there will probably be a non-Brewer related post in the near future. Or at least a post where the Brewer references are only peripheral.)

Spur of the moment, some friends and I decided to go to the game. We showed up some time in the top of the first and went to the ticket booth.

Me: What's left? We need four together.
Ticket Guy: (pointing to the seating chart) all I have is deep left field or deep right field, 3rd level is $33 and 4th level is $13 tonight.
Me: Thirteen bucks? Done. Four in right field.
Ticket Guy: Are any of you students?
(All of us look at each other. Did anyone still have a student ID?)
Friend J: I am.
Ticket guy: (obviously on to us, but not giving a shit) They're half price for students tonight.

For $6.50 each, we gain entry to the park and head up to our seats in section 408. Not exactly the friendly confines of Section 228, where I normally sit, but it would do. Everyone in section 408 is a student. At 27, I am the oldest person there. Well, almost. Four rows in front of us sat a family. From left to right: chubby older son, Dad, chubby younger son (sporting a "Kid's Klub" Brewer hat"), Grandma (also sporting a "Kid's Klub" Brewer hat), and mom (who had a bit of a mullet).

Several rows up and to the right sat the biggest douchebottle in the stadium. He was wearing a Nomar Garciaparra Cubs jersey. Did I mention that this was a Brewers-Royals game? So, like, the Cubs weren't playing... And did I mention that Nomar Garciaparra isn't on the Cubs? What's with people wearing jerseys to games were the team represented on the jersey isn't even playing? I can understand if it's a little kid that doesn't know any better and has really bad parents, but come on. There was also a Red Sox guy sitting in section 408, but he was largely left alone. Also, as to be expected, there were a handful of Royals fans scattered about.

As you might imagine, given the demographics of section 408 and the amount of beer available, conflicts were erupting all over the place. Nomar was the primary target, but one Royals fan made his mark too. Pretty much everyone was using extremely foul language, which seemed to bother the family four rows up. I didn't have a ton of sympathy. We were sitting in the middle of a section geared towards college kids. Drunk one's at that. Just as you should expect to hear naughty words in the student section at Camp Randall (Point: "Eat Shit!", Counterpoint: "Fuck You!") so too should you expect to hear naughty words in section 408. The family endured the atmosphere for about 5 innings. But some time in the 6th, things got particularly heated between Royals' fan and the guys sitting behind us. Royals' fan started flipping all of us off and stating "fuck all of you and fuck the fuckin Brewers" or something brainy like that. Kid's Klub Grandma had had enough. She got out of her seat and grabbed Royals' fan by his collar and "escorted" him down the steps while giving him an ear-full of Grandma wisdom. And the crowd goes wild. "Here we go Grand-ma here we go!"

As for what was going on on the field... Ryan Braun showed that he is the real deal, going 4 for 4 with a dinger and a double, outshining the Royals' rookie at 3rd base, Alex Gordon (who also had a good game). Cory Hart hit another dinger. Royal-turned-Brewer Jeff Suppan got the win over Brewer-turned-Royal Jorge de la Rosa. Ned left Soup in a little too long again, but it didn't really matter. Villanueva came in to pitch two scoreless innings and turn it over to Turnbow and Wise. Nice game guys.

Additionally, it was Mike Caldwell bobblehead night, so all fans received a bobblehead doll of the filthy pitcher (but not the filthiest pitcher on the squad) from the 82 team that won two games in teh World Series against the Cards.

Prince Fielder in the [fake] News

2007-06-22T06:30:00.000-07:00

A headline in The Onion (America's Finest Newspaper) Sports section reads:

Prince Fielder Dies Of Inside-The-Park Home Run

This is of course a reference to the actual Prince Fielder in-the-parker I mentioned here.

Are you even supposed to eat Chorizo like that?

2007-06-21T13:12:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing we love in Milwaukee, it's sausage [insert gay joke here]. Given that Milwaukee was built on the backs of immigrants from some of the finer sausage-producing nations on Earth, we embrace just about any variety of meat, animal fat, herbs and spices packed into a natural or synthetic casing. If you are in the city limits, you're probably within spitting distance of a place that will sell you a bratwurst, an Italian or a Polish. Lately, due in large part to its addition to the Klement Sausage Race at Miller Park, chorizo has been making it's mark.

[By the way, I adore the sausage race at Miller Park, but I think it's getting dangerously close to "jumping the shark." The first incarnation of the sausage race took place on the County Stadium score board. It was a black and white video of three sausages (brat, Italian and Polish) running in place with the background changing to different Milwaukee landmarks while the theme from Chariots of Fire played. Obviously it was awesome. When I was a junior or senior in high school, they had live "actors" don sausage costumes, and as the scoreboard sausages neared the background shot of County Stadium, the "live" sausages would run out onto the field and cross home plate. This version of the race, like the full-cartoon one, was rigged. The "actors" would pump their arms wildly and appear to veer off course due to the awkwardness of the sausage suits and stuff, but nobody was actually trying to win. Again, this incarnation was awesome. By the time Miller Park was built, the scoreboard sausage race had been completely replaced by the costumed "actors." The hot dog was added to make four. The people in the suits actually started "running," seemingly with the intention of winning. This is not nearly as entertaining as it was when it was rigged, but still awesome. This year, the chorizo was added to make five, an excellent addition. Any way you slice it, five guys dressed up like sausages in borderline-racist, ethnic-stereotype outfits having a foot race in a baseball stadium is a fantastic idea. But here's where it starts to get a little lame. Now, according to an intensely annoying Klements commercial, the racing sausages have "names." Retarded names at that. The Italian sausage is named "Guido" and the Polish sausage is named "Stosh." Okay so far. I like that they're sticking with the borderline-racist ethnic-stereotype theme. It works, and it's really what the sausage race is all about. Sticking with that theme, the Brat should be named "Gunter," the Chorizo should be named "Jose," and the hot dog should be named "Jimmy." That would be great. Those names would adhere to a consistent personified sausage-naming theme. But noooo. The brat's actual, offical name is "Brett Wurst" and the hot dog's name is "Frankie Furter." What the fuck is that? Is that clever or something? But the worst one is the poor chorizo. His name is "Cinco," which I'm pretty sure is just Spanish for "five." Do the Klement's people only know the Spanish words for the numbers one through five and that's it? I don't get it at all? It's worse than (although remarkably similar to) the naming mechanism for the different sizes of Starbucks drinks. Terrible. Just terrible. Wow, that was a long digression.]

Chorizo is a Mexican (I suppose it was originally Spanish or Portuguese or something) pork sausage with chili-type spices in it. It's red in color and it's delicious. I'm not what you would call "cultured," but I was under the impression that the traditional method for eating chorizo was to sort of scramble it up or cut it up and, like, mix it with eggs or put it in a taco or something. I'm probably wrong about that. But what I do know it that the traditional method for serving chorizo is not to put it on a hot dog bun and top it with ketchup and onions and serve with potato[e] chips and a diet Coke. Yet this is what I got for lunch from the hot dog cart guy on the corner of Wisconsin Ave. & Water St. today. And it was outstanding. America is indeed a melting pot.

Baseball players are bad actors...

2007-06-20T18:13:00.000-07:00

But soap opera stars are even worse.

When the Brewers were out in LA last month, Jeff Supan, Chris Capuano, JJ Hardy and Bill Hall filmed a guest appearance on a soap opera called The Young and the Restless. It aired today and it was totally ridiculous. Seriously, watch the clip. The best part is when Hardy says "She can warm up with me anytime." Nice face JJ.

I wanted to know why it was that four Brewers made cameos on the show. What does the Crew have to do with some crappy soap opera? Well, I did a little research and it turns out that The Young and the Restless takes place in a fictionalized version of Genoa City, Wisconsin. I thought shows like that all took place in LA and New York. Who knew? Apparently the dude in the clip (the bad actor, not the baseball players that are bad at acting) is running for state senate, and the lady that thinks Cappy is the "best left-handed pitcher in baseball" is either his retarded assistant or his retarded wife or something like that.

Little Boxes, Sports Bars and Crazy Packer-backers

2007-06-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

My life over the past two months has looked vaguely like an after-school special. Instead of being about drugs or eating disorders, however, the after-school special of my life would be about TV and the Internet. I moved into a new [but very old] apartment in May. I decided not to get cable or Internet at the new crib. This was motivated partly by the desire to save money, but mostly because I wanted to be more productive. If I didn't have easy access to cable or Internet, the argument goes, I would go exercise, read books and talk to friends in person. After a month or so of idiot-box sobriety I broke down and called Time Warner Cable. At first I used it reasonably. A few shows here or there, checking my email a few times a day. But after a short time my downward spiral continued. On Sunday, I realized that not only does my cable come with 6 months of free Showtime. It also comes with 6 months of free Showtime On Demand. After three days with Showtime On Demand, I have two questions: (1) Why aren't all TV stations "On Demand"? and (2) Isn't Weeds the awesomest show ever?

I've watched the first two seasons in the last three days. Everything about that show rules. For those of you not in the know, Weeds is about a hot suburban housewife that starts selling pot in her affluent suburban neighborhood to pay the bills after her husband dies. Great concept for a show, no? The theme song, Little Boxes, is so catchy in an old fashioned kind of way yet so fitting for describing suburbia. The supporting cast it dominant. It's great to see Kevin Nealon working again, and Elizabeth Perkins should never lose the Emmy for best supporting actress. Both the kids are great too, and Uncle Andy is hilarious. And most importantly, I am absolutely in love with Mary Louise Parker.

Yowza. Normally I'm not that into brunettes that are 15 years my senior, but wow. She's also an awesome actress. So much of the show rests on Parker's eyes and lips, which she uses to show frazzled mom, no-nonsense drug pusher or really hot babe quite effectively. If you haven't watched Weeds, you should check it out. It may seem at first glance that Weeds is kind of like a Desperate Housewives equivalent, but it's closer to the antithesis of that show. It also might seem at first glance that Weeds is just stoner humor, and although Uncle Andy and Kevin Nealon's characters do provide plenty of stoner humor, that's really not what it's about either. It's more clever than that. It's more about the deconstruction of suburbia. The show sets up easy PTA jokes and pot cliches, but then takes them in a slightly different direction. It's hard to explain, but it's awesome. And did I mention that Mary Louise Parker is really really hot?

Isn't it ironic that I hit rock-bottom in my TV addiction with a show about drugs? [Actually, I don't think that is ironic. It's fitting.]

________________

Last night I took a break from Showtime On Demand and watched the Brewer game at Zim's Sports Bar. Zim's is a prime example of the change in the ambiance of sports bars to a more grown-up atmosphere. Your classic sports bar has fake wood walls, pennants from the local team, PBR in a can, peanuts in the shell, vomit in the sink and a cigarette machine. In contrast Zim's features a more trendy atmosphere, clear views to several plasma TVs, leather couches, vintage black and white photos of local sports heroes like Brett Favre, Robin Yount (There are few things funnier than Yount in 1982 Brewer garb and mustache riding a motorcycle) and Al McGuire, and more interesting bar-food, drinks and micro-brews. Now don't get me wrong, I love a good old sports-dive, but I like Zim's a lot too. It's located in an old carriage house on Milwaukee St and still has the same brick walls and slightly sloping floor that once made it easier to wash the stables out at night. The front wall has been opened up with big windows that remain open in the summer. It's a good place to watch a game.

The Crew dropped the Giants with the help of a complete game from Sheets. Most of the offense came off of effective small ball played against struggling rookie pitcher Tim Lincecum. The Cubs and Cards both won too so the Crew remains seven games ahead in first.

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In other sports news, Wisconsinites are thinking about the Packers even though it's June. Packer fans are a unique breed. Most people know that, despite the fact that they play in the smallest market in professional football, all home Packer games are sold out for the next 35 years or so. Dads put their new-born sons on the waiting list for tickets in hopes that the babies will have seats by the time their midlife crises set in. What some of you may not realize is that they actually sell out Lambeau Field for the intra-squad scrimmage. When some teams that play in big markets like Phoenix can't sell out regular season games, it's pretty impressive (or pathetic and delusional, take your pick) that the Pack sells out the Brett Favre vs. Aaron Rodgers QB match-up. We love our Packers like we love our children--not because they are good, but because they are ours.

Yo! That's some good pitchin

2007-06-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the Brewers/Giants game. The Crew pulled out the win with the help of a solid sevenish innings from Yovani Gallardo in his major league debut. The 21-year-old was a little shaky in the first inning, but then he started kicking ass. He ended up giving up 4 hits for 3 runs. He also hit a double in his first at bat, complete with an RBI. N' bad for the first time out kid. N'bad at all. When Neddy pulled him in the 7th, we all got on our feet, and Yo deserved it. Prince and Corey Hart added a dinger each, and Coco added his 26th save (although it was a close one). All in all, it was a good game.

There were over 41,000 people in attendance tonight. That's fantastic for the Crew on a Monday game against a shit team. A lot of the reason was that it was little league night. In attendance there were like 14,000 kids in little league uniforms that resemble various major league uniforms. For the first three innings or so, I had no idea why there were all these little Cubs fans and Braves fans and Rockies fans running around at a Brewers/Giants game. Weird. It was like being at an all-star game that was shot with Professor Wayne Szalinski's shrink ray. Also, has anyone else noticed that kids are wearing their hair ridiculously long these days? (Did I just write that? God I'm old). Seriously, every kids had long ass 1970s hair. Where did they come up with that? They all look like that red haired kid on Different Strokes.

Okay, it's late and that's about all I have for you jerks tonight. But since I feel I owe you much more, I also have this clip for you (courtesy of [redacted]):

That clip right there is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Barry Bonds Sighting

2007-06-18T14:57:00.001-07:00

In case you were wondering, I know for a fact that Barry Bonds had lunch at Cubanitas today. I'm not sure if he got that nasty pork sandwich they serve with gross horse-radishy mustard and a whole god-damned pickle on it.

Baseball notes, Jazz in the Park, and Triumph at the Tonys [sp?]

2007-06-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

The Brewers are looking like they're back on track, having won their last 4 on the road against AL teams. They take on the Twinkies from Minnesota this afternoon, and win or lose, it will have been a successful road trip for the Crew. I get to welcome them home on Monday when top Brewer prospect Yovani Gallardo makes his first appearance and takes the mound against douchebag Barry Bonds and the San Francisco Giants.

Meanwhile, after scaring me a little bit for the last few days, the Cubs reminded me that they are still the Cubs.

Nice swing Derek Lee. Nice swing. Can anyone tell me why Zambrano was taking off his pants during that fight?

UPDATE: Okay, we lost to the Twinkies 10 to 9. But we made a hell of a comeback, fought hard and made it a hell of a game. Plus, Prince Fielder hit an inside the park home run. And it was awesome (It's the second highlight at the link).
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But enough about baseball. Last Thursday, I made my first appearance at Jazz in the Park at Cathedral Square. Jazz in the Park is a prime example of the adage, "nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd." Each Thursday, a jazz band sets up in Cathedral Square Park and plays. Thousands of people gather in the park, lay out blankets, drink wine, eat stinky soft cheese, enjoy merriment amongst friends, and totally ignore the jazz band that is playing. Good times, good times. Jazz in the Park usually proves to be a solid cross section of Milwaukee. People from all walks show up: old suburbanites like my parents, young professional jerks like me, bikers (both kinds), hippies, motleys, college kids etc. All of the groups geographically segregate themselves within the park similar to how they do within the city. But we all unite in ignoring jazz music and consuming unhealthy stuff. What a great city.

This was my first appearance at J in the P since a dreadful outing last year when I suffered one of my more embarrassing moments. Let me preface this story by stating that I am not a clumsy guy. Not at all. I waited tables for years and routinely carried trays of improperly situated glass wear extreme distances without incident. So what follows can only be blamed on some sort of evil trickster god. So at the time I was "sort of seeing" this girl. We'll call her "K." K is a young single mom, so she doesn't get out as much as most girls her age. She came down to meet my friends and I at the park. She showed up in this white skirt and top and she looked really hot. I told her she looked great and she remarked that it was an outfit she couldn't wear around her son because he'd spill on it. If this statement isn't a harbinger of doom, I don't know what is. We're all sitting around chatting, and for some reason, I'm drinking red wine [I almost never drink wine]. All of a sudden, I just dropped my glass. Nobody ran into me and I wasn't drunk or in coke-withdrawal or anything. I just dropped it. The glass hit the ground, bounced, and spun [in slow motion] in the air and splattered all over K's hot white outfit. Everyone's jaws dropped. I am a total Jerk. K was an extremely good sport about it, and I did send her flowers and a gift certificate for the cleaners the next day. The stain came out, but the damage was done. I no longer drink red wine in parks. Anyway, my return to J in the P on Thursday was without incident.
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On the topic of unclassy things in classy places, I caught Conan O'Brien the other day and laughed my ass off at this clip of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at the Tony Awards. Now, I don't know or care what the Tony Awards are for, but Triumph + no-name actors = gold:

Getting fit, campy sports flicks and being no-hit

2007-06-12T13:25:00.000-07:00

I'm sort of an all-or-nothing exerciser. There have been periods in my life when I was in spectacular shape. I don't just mean that I was the proper weight for my height and exercised a few times a week. I mean that I was fit as a fricken fiddle. There have also been times when I was closer to fit as a Cello. This is one of those times. I competed in an Ironman Triathlon a few years ago. The few weeks leading up to that, I was a warrior. I was fast and strong and could go all day (that's right ladies, all day). I had been biking over 300 miles per week and running close to 70. I ran a solid enough race that I felt like I had accomplished something.

I haven't worked out since.

In spite of the complete 180-degree reversal, I'm really only about 20 lbs. fatter than I was. In the next two months, I am going to lose [most of] that 20 lbs. As of today, I've worked out 2 days in a row. Tonight at the gym, I weighed in at 189. So on August 13th, 2007, I pledge that I will weigh under 170 lbs.

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As an inspiration for getting off my ass and accomplishing my dreams, I watched Invincible, starring former Funky Bunch front-man Marky Mark and the gay guy from As Good as it Gets. If there's one movie genre that I truly love it's the Disneyesque sorta-true underdog sports stories. This one centers on Vince Papale, a South Philly bartender that never played college football that overcame the odds and won a spot on the Eagles' roster after impressing new Coach Dick Vermiel at an open tryout. In real life, instead of being a bartender, Papale was a, um, well, professional football player in the now defunct World Football League. And there was no open tryout. But "Bartender becomes pro footballer after impressing upstart coach in open tryout" is a much better story than "pro footballer becomes more highly paid pro footballer after upstart coach's scouts notice that he's fast and good at football and arrange a tryout." [I have no idea why I just used the word "footballer" instead of football player. What a dorky word. "Dorky" is a pretty dorky word to, huh?] Anyway, Invincible is some good TV in my opinion.

Another movie in this genre that I love is Miracle, in which Kurt Russel gets a bad haircut in order to play Herb Brooks, and coaches a rag-tag bunch of college hockey players to an Olympic gold, on the way defeating the Soviet Union and winning the cold war or something. Perhaps my favorite film in this genre is The Greatest Game Ever Played. It's the sorta true story of Francis Ouimet, a young caddy who overcomes the odds to win the 1913 US Open against several top English professionals. This feel-good G-rated instant classic actually sticks very close to the real story. The DVD special features include a documentary from 1963 (50 years after the 1913 US Open for the mathematically impaired) that features the real Francis Ouimet telling the story. It's really cool. And man did those guys have some shitty golf clubs.

_______

The Brewers dropped a brutal game last night, being no-hit by Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander. Nice show Justin, seriously, nice show. But shame on Ned Yost. My crew has these two aging infielders that bat like 210 or something. Having one of them in is like having two pitchers batting. So here we are in an American League park, and he plays both of them? And makes them the first two batters to boot! Are you kidding me Ned? Here is a tip: you know that dominating rookie you have that is batting like 320 with 4 homers in like 10 games [or whatever], play him! I love you Neddy, I really do. You seem to be good at relating to your young team. But maybe you should pick up "Coaching Baseball for Dummies" (I thought I was making this book up, but it actually exists. Heh.) or something.

The Biggest Douchebag in Baseball

2007-06-11T22:13:00.000-07:00

Today the Crew begin a three game series against the Detroit Tigers. Normally I have a soft spot in my heart for the Tigers. Historically, they've been one of the AL teams (along with the Cleveland Indians) that I sort of root for. But since the addition of Gary Sheffield, the Biggest Douchebag in Baseball, I hope that they lose every game. I know what you're saying. How can I consider Gary Sheffield the Biggest Douchebag in Baseball when there are so many prominent douchebags in the game today--Bonds, Clemens, the Chicago Cubs etc.? I honestly believe that Sheffield beats all of them in pure douchebaggery. Even Bonds.

I realize the Gary is a pretty good player. The man is 7th in hit-by-pitches amongst all active players for Chrisake! That's some good baseball. My distaste for Gary obviously began back in the late 80s when he gave our franchise a glimmer of hope and then crushed it based purely on his bad attitude. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's when premadona players refuse to play for the team that hired them. That kind of highhorseocity ruins the game. It's even worse when the team they're screwing is my team. But, as Gary showed us last week, there are many other reasons we should all consider Gary Sheffield a douchebag:

On playing in Milwaukee:

The Brewers brought out the hate in me. I was a crazy man ... I hated everything about the place. If the official scorer gave me an error I didn't think was an error, I'd say, 'OK, here's a real error,' and I'd throw the next ball into the stands on purpose.'

On packing heat:

It ain't changed because I got in the league. It just made me get more of them.

On teammate Shawn Green missing a game with the Dodgers because of Yom Kippur during a crucial pennant stretch:

Religion is an important thing as long as you worship the right God.

On whether he would represent his country in the World Baseball Classic:

My season is when I get paid. I'm not doing that...I'm not sacrificing my body or taking a chance on an injury for something that's made up. This isn't the Olympics. That's a big difference. This is something you made up.

And of course there's this:

I called it years ago. What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out. ... (It's about) being able to tell (Latin players) what to do -- being able to control them. Where I'm from, you can't control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is. And that's a person that you're going to talk to with respect, you're going to talk to like a man. These are the things my race demands. So, if you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys.

Also, his wife was on an R. Kelly sex tape. In conclusion, for all of the reasons cited above, Gary Sheffield is the Biggest Douchebag in Baseball.

Bowling at the Skidmark

2007-06-10T13:39:00.000-07:00

You may not know this about me, but I'm often referred to as the Ernie McCracken of Milwaukee. I had the chance to show off my bowling skills on Saturday night at Landmark Lanes (affectionately referred to as The Skidmark). After grilling some venison burgers at B & C's place, and then witnessing Francisco Cordero tragically blow his first save by allowing 4 runs in the 9th and a 4-3 loss for the Brewers (*tear*) nobody was feeling the bar scene. Bowling at the Skidmark seemed like a great idea. We met up with some dentists-in-training that B went to college with and threw a few games.

The Skidmark is a pretty awesome bowling alley. Going there is a little like going back in time. It's very old-school. There's no automatic scoring, so you need to have at least one person with you who paid attention for that week in high school gym class. I'm pretty sure the balls and shoes haven't been replaced (or cleaned) since the 1970s, and best of all, I don't think they've raised the price of beer (or cleaned out the lines) in that time either. They have a ton of different beers on tap at three different bars too. So we ordered a few pitchers and got started.

Remember two paragraphs ago when I claimed I was good at bowling? That was a complete lie. I bowled a 74 in the first game. In the second, after informing the rest of our group that I had been playing bad on purpose in the first game in order to hustle them, I led off with a pair of strikes Ernie McCracken-style. I then proceeded to play like garbage, dan-style. I ended up with a 120 or so. Somewhere in the 8th or 9th frame, one of our group members got his ball stuck in the gutter. He told the dude at the front desk who promptly came over, retrieved the ball, and essentially told us that we suck at bowling, stating "guys like you think that the harder you throw the ball, the more pins you knock down. Bowling isn't about power." Awesome. It must be about finesse. I'm all about the new and trendy drinking establishments, but sometime a bowling alley is the place to be.

Water Buffalo and Getting Old

2007-06-09T09:24:00.000-07:00

After getting held up at work until 7:30 or so on Friday evening I was ready for a drink. The former roomie B, his fiance C and I (yes, I am a tremendous third-wheel) met J and his Fiance S (yes, all of my friends are engaged) at Water Buffalo. My cousin K and his wife S met up with us a little later.

As I previously noted, Water Buffalo is located on the corner of Water and Buffalo (duh). It's one of several new restaurant-type places springing up on the Milwaukee Riverwalk. Water Buffalo is sort of going for that "urban-industrial sheek" look. I have no idea what that means. I just heard it on Modern Marvels (okay, it was Trading Spaces) and thought it sounded cool... in a gay sort of way. Anyway, there was a nice view of the river and it was a lovely night. But there's one major problem: really weak drinks. It appears that the barkeepers have been instructed (probably by the fun-police, or maybe their manager or something) to carefully measure out all of their drinks. I would watch them fill the big half of the jigger, pour it into the glass and then fill the small half of the jigger and pour that into the glass, and then top it off with Redbull or Coke. Or in C's case, pineapple juice. Now if I'm not mistaken the big half of a jigger is supposed to be a 1.5 oz. shot and the small half is a 1 oz. "pony" making a grand total of 2.5 oz. of booze in my drink. That doesn't strike me as a weak amount of booze. So my question then is "how much booze are other bartenders putting in my drinks?" Or alternatively, "is Water Buffalo using child-size jiggers?"

After Water Buffalo, we moved the party to a different bar. Shortly after we arrived, a really hot chick called out my name. I had no idea who she was or how I knew her at first. But then it dawned on me that I worked with her at this restaurant about 5 years ago. At the time, I was a 22-year-old waiter and she was a "busgirl"and I thought she was like eleven. She must have actually been older then eleven at the time (because of child labor laws and all), but either way it made me feel really old that (1) she was at the bar, and (2) I thought she was hot. That second one made me feel a little creepy too (although I think in actuality she's only about 6 years younger than me, so not that creepy). Anyway, I'm getting old.

Kil@wat

2007-06-07T21:14:00.000-07:00

This week is "downtown dining week" in Milwaukee. About thirty different restaurants are offering three-course meals for $10 at lunch and $20 at dinner. It's a great opportunity to check out several nice restaurants for like half the cost. Tonight, the former roomie, his fiance and I took the opportunity to have dinner at Kilawat. Yes I am a total third-wheel. No, I did not spell the word "kilowatt" wrong. (The name of the place is actually spelled using an ampersand where I put the first "a" but blogger won't let me type it that way without making it an email address. Lousey blogger). It's located on the corner of Kilbourne Avenue and Water street. Get it? Kilbourne at Water => Kil @ Wat => Kilawat. (Coincidentally, I'll be going to a new place called Waterbuffallo tomorrow. It's located on the corner of Water St. and Buffalo St. I assure you that not every restaurant in Milwaukee is named after the street it sits on. But now that I think about it, most of them are. The Mason St. grill is on Mason St. and the Water St. Brewery is on Water St.... I digress).

Kilawat is a sort of trendy [read: it has table clothes and unconventionally shaped drink glasses]place in the Milwaukee Center building. Our downtown dining week options included braised short ribs or shrimp risotto. Although I didn't know what risotto was, I ordered it anyway. I'm all about trying knew things. It turns out that Risotto is a lot like Golden Crisp cereal (Remember Sugar Bear? "Can't get enough of that Golden Crisp, it's got the crunch with the punch.") when you let it sit in milk too long, only awesome and tossed with shrimp and asparagus. It was delightful. I also had a dominant Caesar salad and a root beer float (I'm classy, what can I say?). The former roomie got the short ribs, which were allegedly good as well. I definitely plan on returning to Kilawat. It's primarily a small plate dining place so the three of us decided we would return at a later date with reinforcements so we could sample a bunch of stuff.

After dinner, the three of us had a cocktail and watched the Spurs beat LeBron James at Clear. Clear is another trendy bar, also located in the Milwaukee Center building. The shtick at this place is that everything is... wait for it... clear! I'm usually a Jack & Coke kind of guy, but I made do with a vodka tonic. When in Rome, right? It was reminiscent of that trend in the early 90's when companies were making clear versions of their products to create an image of purity. Actually, an Absolute and Crystal Pepsi and a little Van Hallen music would have made for a perfect end to the evening...

Here We Go Brewers

2007-06-06T20:11:00.000-07:00

Here we go. I attended the baseball match between the Cubs from Chicago and YOUR MILWAUKEE BREWERS at Miller Park last night. The Crew held on to beat the Cubbies 7-5. It was a great game. Highlights include both Corey Hart and Tony Graffanino hitting dingers in the same inning (Vegas odds: 1 in 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000), Robert-Downey-look-alike Ryan Braun adding another homer in the 5th, and Ned Yost actually managing his bullpen mostly effectively. Which leads me to the real highlight: Fransisco Cordero. This guy is simply amazing. He notched his 22nd save in 22 opportunities and lowered his ERA to .36. But what made this great was that extra "point one" in the "innings pitched" category that he added. Coco, who rarely comes in before the 9th, came in with two on and two out in the top of the 8th. We were down by 2 and Soriano was at the plate. Coco made short work of him, striking him out with four pitches.

Prior to the game, my friends and I went to a local watering hole called Long Wong's, which bills itself as "Milwaukee's only Chinese-American sports bar." The place is great. It's probably the primary pre-game spot for my friends and I when we don't have time to tailgate or the weather won't allow it. It's just like any sports bar, but add $.25 terriaki wings and crab Rangoon at happy hour. They also have cheap taps, Brewer gear, a shuttle to the games, a pool table and two bowling lanes. And I think we can all agree that Long Wong's Chinese-American Sports Bar is the best name for a bar ever, right?