Andy Rooney is kind of a prick. And he's also really really stupid. Since my dad is a big 60 Minutes fan, I've been watching Andy Rooney for most of my life. For those of you that aren't familiar with him, Andy Rooney is this crusty old dude that spouts out a few minutes of stream--of-conscious nonsense at the end of every episode of 60 Minutes. I've seen hundreds of these segments, and every time I see one I ask whoever is around, "why does this guy have a job?"
Knowing of my hatred for Andy Rooney, a friend of mine sent me this article from the Stamford Times in which Rooney sort of talks about baseball. It's incoherent, unorganized, ignorant and even racist. I think it may represent the height of Andy Rooney's douchebaggery.
Apparently bloggers like me will sometimes "fisk" an article. The term is named after British journalist Robert Fisk and it basically means that you point out each bit of nonsense in an article. So today, I'm going to fisk Andy Rooney's trashy article about baseball. His words are in italics.
Baseball has never been my game. I never liked it as a kid, probably because I could never throw a ball very well. My friends said I threw like a girl and that's enough to put any young boy off a game. As I've probably told you — after over 4,000 columns it's sometimes hard to remember what I've said before — my father took me to a Yankee game when I was about 10 years old and Joe DiMaggio struck out three times.
Andy Rooney was born in January of 1919. Joe D came up in 1936. So either "about 10 years old" means 17-and-a-half at the youngest, or you're lying about seeing Dimaggio play when you were a kid. Also, Dimaggio struck out 369 times in 1,736 career games. That's about once every five games. I'm not saying he never struck out three times in one game, but it probably didn't happen more than once or twice. He also hit 361 home runs, so the odds of Andy Rooney seeing Joe Dimmaggio strike out three times in one game are roughly the same as the odds that he saw him clout three dingers in one game.
My disinterest in baseball as a kid has lasted all my life. I'm still not interested in the game. I don't watch it on television or follow it in the newspaper. I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, but today's baseball stars are all guys named Rodriguez to me.
Yeah, I can't tell any of those brown people apart either. And don't get me started on the negroes. Is he serious? Did he actually write that in something that was going to be published?
They're apparently very good but they haven't caught my interest. I also think baseball needs some rules changes, too. For example, the player who starts the game as pitcher should have to play all nine innings without a substitution. A pitcher hardly ever plays more than a few innings and then the manager replaces him with someone who isn't as good.
No, and a running back shouldn't have to play every down. Because that's not how the game works. Also, pitchers routinely play more than "a few innings." If your starter has to come out before the 6th, your team suffers. And relief pitchers aren't always worse than starters. They're just different. Like the counselors at school said I was "just different."
I think baseball managers dominate the games more than the players do and more than coaches do in other sports.
Yeah, that's probably true. And they get to wear uniforms. So what?
There are 30 major league baseball teams, but sometimes it seems as though the New York Yankees are the only team that ever wins the World Series. There have been 102 World Series since 1903. The Yankees have been in 39 of those and they've won 26. Five teams have never won a World Series. What in the world keeps baseball fans in those cities coming to games?
Lets list those five teams: Milwaukee Brewers, San Diego Padres, Houston Astros, Colorado Rockies and the Seatle Mariners... and the Washington Nationals, Texas Rangers and Tampa Bay Devil Rays. That's 8 teams. Even more than five teams have never won the world series. Maybe Andy is on to something here. I wonder if any football teams have never won a Superbowl? Lets see, there's the Vikings, the Falcons, the Lions, the Bills, and the Seahawks. That's five. But there's also the Chargers, the Eagles, the Browns, the Bengals, the Saints, the Cardinals, the Panthers, the Jaguars, the Titans and the Texans. How many is that? [Answer: 15]. There is more parity in baseball then in football by any conceivable measurement.
The figures they keep giving us on broadcasts of baseball games are batting statistics, the amount being paid the players, the number of fans in the stands. There are other statistics I'd like to hear more often. When a player comes up to bat, they can tell me what his batting average is but I'd also like to know how many times he's struck out. Tell me how many different teams he's played with. Which player on either team has made the most errors? What's the average IQ of a baseball team compared with the IQ of a professional football team?
First of all, "how many times a player strikes out" is a "batting statistic." Second of all, I'm sure the average IQ of a baseball team is much higher than the average IQ of crusty old 60 Minutes "journalists."
It seems like a major mystery that baseball has never caught on in other countries the way it has here.
Baseball is the most popular sport in The Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Japan, Cuba, Panama, Venezuela, Nicaragua, South Korea, and Taiwan. The USA just got stomped in the World Baseball Classic. And I'm pretty sure Ichiro is not from Ohio.
There are baseball leagues in several countries but their citizens' interest is mostly in soccer [football as they call it].
Wait, they call it "football"? How's Japan's "football" team?
Cricket is popular in some countries, but it makes hopscotch seem exciting.
So does Andy' Rooney's writing style.
It's easier to understand why our football game isn't played in other countries. Football is complicated. It takes a lot of practice and it's expensive. All players need for a soccer game is a ball and a pair of shorts and shoes. It's harder for a bunch of kids to get together Saturday morning and go to a vacant lot to play football than to play either soccer or baseball.
I know you guys aren't going to believe this, but sometimes my friends and I get together and play football. We've been doing it for years. Lest you think I am some snobby rich person, I swear to Thor, all it takes is a ball and a pair of shorts and shoes. And sometimes a coat and mittens in these parts.
Some of the best times of my life were playing football, and some of the best friends I made were fellow football players in high school and college. You're more dependent on teammates in football than in baseball and a bonding takes place.
How can he possibly know this? He stated that he's never played baseball and that he throws like a girl.
In a football game, you're dependent on the players on either side of you. In a baseball game, you're pretty much on your own.
Well, unless you get a base hit and don't want to be left stranded on the base. Or you throw to first to get a player out and you want the first baseman to catch the ball.
Basketball is a better team sport to me than baseball, but size means too much in basketball. I never got taller than 5-foot-9 and didn't make the basketball team in school. I ended up as the backstroker on the swimming team. I was a good swimmer but hated doing laps for practice. The water was always cold and after half an hour in the chlorinated pool my eyes were red and my skin wrinkled. It took the fun out of swimming.
I'm not quite sure what he's talking about here. He started out talking about team unity and now he's talking about chlorinated eyes. It's almost as if Mr. Rooney is crazy.
Considering the fact that who wins or loses any game makes no difference whatsoever in our lives, it's interesting how important a game can seem to us sometimes. The greatest sports loss of my life was a high school football game. We were undefeated and the game was the last of the season. It ended in a scoreless tie and we were crushed by what seemed like the worst defeat of our lives.
Yup, he's crazy. Totally bonkers. This has nothing to do with his theme. It's just some nonsense.
Write to Andy Rooney at Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or via email at aarooney5@yahoo.com
Dear Andy,
You are a douchebag.
Best,
Danny from Milwaukee
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Fantasy Football Draft Night
The fantasy football league you play in totally sucks compared to the one I play in. I mean, I'm sure you have fun with it and all, but compared to my league, your league is like fantasy football Jr. Or fantasy fantasy football. While your league is run by Yahoo, my league is run by a bartender named Dave that may or may not be a savant. In your league, whoever gets the first pick chooses LT. In my league, whoever was willing to spend almost 40% of his cap space got LT. At $38, LT was kind of a stupid pick in my league (In contrast, Frank Gore went for $25, Steve Jackson went for $26 and Brian Westbrook went for $23).
I won't explain my league in too much detail because the rule book is an inch thick and Dave may want to patent it. But it basically breaks down to three rounds of drafting. In the first round, the top 25 players (based on how they scored in our league in the previous season) are put up for auction. These are basically unrestricted free agents. You can bid as much as you want for these guys, so long as you stay under your $100 salary cap and leave enough to pay 19 other players $2.40 each.
[This year Michael Vick went up for auction because of his numbers from last year. I bid the league minimum for him and got him. It sounds stupid, but I can hold him over for next year when he comes back as an all-pro dog-killin wide receiver.]
After that round, all the remaining players are drafted, kinda like in your little baby league. But after the first four rounds of drafting, each team can try to steal two players that were drafted by other teams by making an offer on them. If you want to keep a player that you drafted that another team made an offer on, you have to match that offer. If you spent too much in the auction, you might lose your high draft picks, like my brother did. So these players are basically restricted free agents. After this it's just a regular draft to fill out your roster.
We play 16 games in the first 13 real games of the season due to double indemnity weeks in which you play both a head-to-head match as well as an at large match in which the top half of each conference gets a win and the bottom half gets a loss. The last three weeks of the real season are our playoffs and the [redacted].
[By the way, the draft took place at Copper's Pub in the Country Springs Hotel just off 94, one of the places where Dave tends bar. Copper's is a pretty great place to watch a game or draft a fantasy football team. Dave and some of the other bar patrons are sort of retarded in that they would rather watch pre-season football then real baseball when our team is in a pennant race, but I'll let that slide. What's cool about Copper's is the beer club. Coppers has 100 different beers in a bottle, good ones too. You can get this little card and check them off as you go. When you finish the card, you get your name up on the "Hall of Foam" plaque and a free night in an "executive suite" at the hotel. I think I'm going to be watching a lot of football at Copper's this fall.]
At the end of the 5 hours of drafting, my team shaped up alright. I had held over Willis McGahee ($10) from last year and got Ahman Green ($8) and Julius Jones ($10) [I had to put Jones on injury reserve to save cap room for now. I'll have to make some moves to take him off]for running backs. I got Carson Palmer for a song ($15) in the auction and drafted Brett Favre ($3) for my backup QB. I have Marvin Harrison ($17.50), Larry Fitzgerald ($3) and Hines Ward ($8) at receiver, Shockey ($3) at tight end, and some rando defensive players. I think it's a solid team and I should fair alright.
I won't explain my league in too much detail because the rule book is an inch thick and Dave may want to patent it. But it basically breaks down to three rounds of drafting. In the first round, the top 25 players (based on how they scored in our league in the previous season) are put up for auction. These are basically unrestricted free agents. You can bid as much as you want for these guys, so long as you stay under your $100 salary cap and leave enough to pay 19 other players $2.40 each.
[This year Michael Vick went up for auction because of his numbers from last year. I bid the league minimum for him and got him. It sounds stupid, but I can hold him over for next year when he comes back as an all-pro dog-killin wide receiver.]
After that round, all the remaining players are drafted, kinda like in your little baby league. But after the first four rounds of drafting, each team can try to steal two players that were drafted by other teams by making an offer on them. If you want to keep a player that you drafted that another team made an offer on, you have to match that offer. If you spent too much in the auction, you might lose your high draft picks, like my brother did. So these players are basically restricted free agents. After this it's just a regular draft to fill out your roster.
We play 16 games in the first 13 real games of the season due to double indemnity weeks in which you play both a head-to-head match as well as an at large match in which the top half of each conference gets a win and the bottom half gets a loss. The last three weeks of the real season are our playoffs and the [redacted].
[By the way, the draft took place at Copper's Pub in the Country Springs Hotel just off 94, one of the places where Dave tends bar. Copper's is a pretty great place to watch a game or draft a fantasy football team. Dave and some of the other bar patrons are sort of retarded in that they would rather watch pre-season football then real baseball when our team is in a pennant race, but I'll let that slide. What's cool about Copper's is the beer club. Coppers has 100 different beers in a bottle, good ones too. You can get this little card and check them off as you go. When you finish the card, you get your name up on the "Hall of Foam" plaque and a free night in an "executive suite" at the hotel. I think I'm going to be watching a lot of football at Copper's this fall.]
At the end of the 5 hours of drafting, my team shaped up alright. I had held over Willis McGahee ($10) from last year and got Ahman Green ($8) and Julius Jones ($10) [I had to put Jones on injury reserve to save cap room for now. I'll have to make some moves to take him off]for running backs. I got Carson Palmer for a song ($15) in the auction and drafted Brett Favre ($3) for my backup QB. I have Marvin Harrison ($17.50), Larry Fitzgerald ($3) and Hines Ward ($8) at receiver, Shockey ($3) at tight end, and some rando defensive players. I think it's a solid team and I should fair alright.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
The evolution of sport
Last summer I went camping in the boundary waters for a few days with three buddies. We got really smelly, but had a great time. On the fourth day of our journey we had some down time at the camp site. There was a big rock near the fire pit and I said, "do you guys want to see who can throw that rock the farthest?" They all looked at me, then looked at eachother, and almost in unison said, "of course we do." So we drew a line and took turns heaving the rock. We each got three chances. Former Roomie B was the heavy favorite, but in his third attempt, BAR matched Former Roomie B's best throw.
[I should note that Former Roomie B is the manliest man I know. He owns a lot of tools, has lots of heads of stuff he shot hanging on his wall and had just carried a waterlogged canoe for like a half mile. BAR, on the other hand, lives in Boy's Town in Chicago, has curly blond hair and owns a parakeet named Steve.]
Obviously, the competition could not end in a tie. The two battled it out in five more rounds of "sudden death" until finally Former Roomie B bested BAR. We had just spent an hour throwing a rock in the wilderness of northern Minnesota and it was definitely one of the highlights of the trip. After the competition, we laughed at the idea of what our female friends would think if they saw it. They'd criticize. But guys love competition and for this reason, we rule.
A few weeks ago, about 15 of my law school friends rented a condo on a lake up in the Wisconsin Dells area for a weekend. On one of the evenings, we were discussing who was more crazy, men or women. The women, being crazy, all thought that men were crazier. We men, being right, disagreed. But what shocked me was that, one of their arguments was our rock-throwing contest! That's right, they said that our awesome rock-throwing contest was evidence of our crazyness. Anyway, a short time later, most of the women went inside the condo, presumably to gossip and do dishes. I looked at the rest of the guys and said, "do you guys want to have a rock-throwing contest?"
A few minutes later, we're down on the beach drawing a line in the sand and looking for a big rock. By the end of the first round, all of the girls were down on the beach watching us. Former Roomie B defended his title against strong performances by BAR and a newcomer to the competition, Seth Rogan. After we were finished, do you know what the women did? They had their own rock-throwing contest. Who's crazy now? Guys rule because we are willing to do fun things even if they seem stupid and pointless. Having fun is never stupid. Having fun is the point.
Last weekend, I had another fun experience playing a seemingly stupid and pointless game. I was in Brainerd, Minnesota (Yes, the town depicted in Fargo. They didn't really talk like that though. Of course, being from Wisconsin, I kinda talk like that myself.) for a wedding (that I will probably discuss in greater detail when I have time) . After the rehearsal dinner, some of the other members of the wedding party and I went to a bar on the lake. It was a typical lake town bar; nice patio, descent pizza, Big Buck Hunter, hilariously dressed locals etc. But the highlight for us was Hammerschlagen.
I had never seen this game before, but Hammerschlagen is a truly awesome sport. they take a big old cross section of a tree and set it on the ground at about table-height. Then a townie babe sells nails to drunk guys for $2. The nails are driven into the tree enough that they stand on their own. Then the hammer is passed around and players take turns swinging at their nail with the wedge end of the hammer. Whoever drives their nail in first wins a free drink. It's actually pretty tough to make contact with the nail, but if you hit it right, you can drive it in in one shot. That's when you feel really tough. Additionally, players make side bets in the middle of the stump, similar to craps. Yes, this game combines gambling and swinging a hammer. What could be better? After dropping $20, I finally won my free drink. Good times were had by all.
[I should note that Former Roomie B is the manliest man I know. He owns a lot of tools, has lots of heads of stuff he shot hanging on his wall and had just carried a waterlogged canoe for like a half mile. BAR, on the other hand, lives in Boy's Town in Chicago, has curly blond hair and owns a parakeet named Steve.]
Obviously, the competition could not end in a tie. The two battled it out in five more rounds of "sudden death" until finally Former Roomie B bested BAR. We had just spent an hour throwing a rock in the wilderness of northern Minnesota and it was definitely one of the highlights of the trip. After the competition, we laughed at the idea of what our female friends would think if they saw it. They'd criticize. But guys love competition and for this reason, we rule.
A few weeks ago, about 15 of my law school friends rented a condo on a lake up in the Wisconsin Dells area for a weekend. On one of the evenings, we were discussing who was more crazy, men or women. The women, being crazy, all thought that men were crazier. We men, being right, disagreed. But what shocked me was that, one of their arguments was our rock-throwing contest! That's right, they said that our awesome rock-throwing contest was evidence of our crazyness. Anyway, a short time later, most of the women went inside the condo, presumably to gossip and do dishes. I looked at the rest of the guys and said, "do you guys want to have a rock-throwing contest?"
A few minutes later, we're down on the beach drawing a line in the sand and looking for a big rock. By the end of the first round, all of the girls were down on the beach watching us. Former Roomie B defended his title against strong performances by BAR and a newcomer to the competition, Seth Rogan. After we were finished, do you know what the women did? They had their own rock-throwing contest. Who's crazy now? Guys rule because we are willing to do fun things even if they seem stupid and pointless. Having fun is never stupid. Having fun is the point.
Last weekend, I had another fun experience playing a seemingly stupid and pointless game. I was in Brainerd, Minnesota (Yes, the town depicted in Fargo. They didn't really talk like that though. Of course, being from Wisconsin, I kinda talk like that myself.) for a wedding (that I will probably discuss in greater detail when I have time) . After the rehearsal dinner, some of the other members of the wedding party and I went to a bar on the lake. It was a typical lake town bar; nice patio, descent pizza, Big Buck Hunter, hilariously dressed locals etc. But the highlight for us was Hammerschlagen.
I had never seen this game before, but Hammerschlagen is a truly awesome sport. they take a big old cross section of a tree and set it on the ground at about table-height. Then a townie babe sells nails to drunk guys for $2. The nails are driven into the tree enough that they stand on their own. Then the hammer is passed around and players take turns swinging at their nail with the wedge end of the hammer. Whoever drives their nail in first wins a free drink. It's actually pretty tough to make contact with the nail, but if you hit it right, you can drive it in in one shot. That's when you feel really tough. Additionally, players make side bets in the middle of the stump, similar to craps. Yes, this game combines gambling and swinging a hammer. What could be better? After dropping $20, I finally won my free drink. Good times were had by all.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Maybe we should move him to the rotation?
I've been swamped lately, so posts have been scarce. I'll get back on top of things in the near future. I have several tales to tell re: croquet, rock-tossing and a bachelor party. But until them, I have to post this video because it's the awesomest thing I've ever seen:
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Five Things: Steroids Edition
There is a dangerous parasite that is on the verge of destroying several professional sports. That parasite is, of course, the rule that says players can't use performance enhancing drugs. The Tour de France is becoming a joke and the career home run record will have an asterisk next to it in many people's minds in the next few days. I, for one, wish that I could just watch a bike race, or a guy with an enormous head hit some homers, without having to worry about whether the drugs these athletes choose to do are banned in their sports. So here are my five reasons why performance enhancing drugs should be allowed in professional sports:
1) Performance Enhancing Drugs would level the playing field.
I know the idea that roids would level the playing field goes against conventional wisdom. But conventional wisdom is often very very stupid. If the playing field in sports were truly level, sports would be boring: every game would end in a tie. The biggest factor in causing an uneven playing field is talent. Do you know who won the first Tour de France? The guy with the most talent [Maurice Garin]. It wasn't the hardest worker or the grittiest competitor or the "smartest racer" or even the guy with the biggest balls. [Recent Tours have proven that one can dominate the race without a huge set of balls.] At the highest levels of athletics, the most important thing is Thor-given talent. At the highest level, everyone trains hard, plays tough and knows the game. Obviously hard work and sticktoitiveness are important, but talent will trump them all. So here's my question? What's so great about talent? If Athlete A (lets call him Lance) is really really talented, and Athlete B (lets call him Floyd) is slightly less talented, and both are willing to work extremely hard at their sport, is the playing field really level? Does the guy with more talent deserve to win more? You can't change how much talent you have. Unlike Athlete A, Athlete B could not win the Tour on talent alone. His parents screwed him in the talent department. If he wants to compete, he has to take the next step. I say we let him take that step.
2) Performance Enhancing Drugs enhance performance.
Nobody watched the XFL. One reason nobody watched it was that the XFL was totally gay. But another, more significant reason is that the best football players play in the NFL, not the XFL. And we'd rather watch the best players play. This is the same reason that Major League Baseball has more viewers than minor league baseball, and the NBA has more viewers than the WNBA. People want to watch the best.
[Before any of youse get all bent out of shape because I acknowledged that the NBA has better basketball players in it than the WNBA, I will readily admit that the birds that play in the WNBA have good fundamentals and are talented and they could all dominate me. But I'm not a professional basketball player, and ain't a one of them could play in the NBA. If one of them could, we'd watch her because she was the best, not because she was the best chick.]
Steroids make athletes better. Period. Remember that Mark McGuire/Sammy Sosa race to break the single season home run record back in 1998? How awesome was that? How awesome would this year be if we stopped giving a shit about roids, and Barry Bonds wasn't such a douchebottle? Watching great players do great things is what sports are all about.
3) Drawing a distinction between Performance Enhancing Drugs and other new technology is totally capricious.
Lance Armstrong's first book is called It's Not About the Bike. But the fact of the matter is, to some degree, it is about the bike Lance. Lance's team had the best equipment, and it showed. The gap is narrowing, but for a while, Trek and the US Postal team did far more testing and engineering and custom tailoring their bikes for their riders. But so what? Technology improves, and in a sport like cycling, that makes for faster racing. And don't even get me started on the clap skate.
Also, remember Kirk Gibson's famous game-winning homer in the 1988 world series? Could he have even stepped to the plate without a cortisone shot? My guess is no. Athletes use all sorts of "performance enhancing drugs" to play when they're injured.
The truth is that Babe Ruth didn't have access to cortisone shots, and Philippe Thys only had like three gears when he won the Tour de France. All sorts of technology has made comparing today's athletes to their predecessors rather difficult. None of today's athletes "play clean" by 1920s standards. But I say that Kirk's homer is one of the best plays in baseball history. And Lance's dominance in the tour made it exciting to a whole country. The technology that allowed them to accomplish their feats made their sports better.
4) A viable, legal market for Performance Enhancing Drugs would lead to the development of better and safer drugs.
Do you know who wins the modern Tour de France? It's still not the guy that works the hardest. It's not the guy with the most talent either. It's not even the guy with the best drugs really. It's the guy with the least detectable drugs. The guys that develop these drugs have to work largely underground. A major goal is to make said drugs undetectable. But if PEDs were legal, the big drug companies would jump headfirst into that game and try to make better drugs. Along the way, they'd make them safer. Sooner or later, we could all benefit from this stuff. If our children can all bench press 400 lbs, would it not be a better world?
5) We could enjoy the games we love without having to scrutinize the athletes that play them.
This should be a very exciting time in sports. These guys are out there getting paid big bucks to entertain us. They found a way to make their craft more entertaining. The only people it could possibly hurt are the athletes themselves, and they're the ones choosing to take that risk. Shouldn't they be free to do so? [This isn't Russia, is this Russia?] Shouldn't we be able to cheer them on without wondering what they're on? With respect to the Tour de France, legalizing PEDs are its only hope. Baseball isn't too far from that. Who knows what sport is next. Do we really want of romanticized visions of the past to ruin the sports we love?
Hoo-ray for Roids!
1) Performance Enhancing Drugs would level the playing field.
I know the idea that roids would level the playing field goes against conventional wisdom. But conventional wisdom is often very very stupid. If the playing field in sports were truly level, sports would be boring: every game would end in a tie. The biggest factor in causing an uneven playing field is talent. Do you know who won the first Tour de France? The guy with the most talent [Maurice Garin]. It wasn't the hardest worker or the grittiest competitor or the "smartest racer" or even the guy with the biggest balls. [Recent Tours have proven that one can dominate the race without a huge set of balls.] At the highest levels of athletics, the most important thing is Thor-given talent. At the highest level, everyone trains hard, plays tough and knows the game. Obviously hard work and sticktoitiveness are important, but talent will trump them all. So here's my question? What's so great about talent? If Athlete A (lets call him Lance) is really really talented, and Athlete B (lets call him Floyd) is slightly less talented, and both are willing to work extremely hard at their sport, is the playing field really level? Does the guy with more talent deserve to win more? You can't change how much talent you have. Unlike Athlete A, Athlete B could not win the Tour on talent alone. His parents screwed him in the talent department. If he wants to compete, he has to take the next step. I say we let him take that step.
2) Performance Enhancing Drugs enhance performance.
Nobody watched the XFL. One reason nobody watched it was that the XFL was totally gay. But another, more significant reason is that the best football players play in the NFL, not the XFL. And we'd rather watch the best players play. This is the same reason that Major League Baseball has more viewers than minor league baseball, and the NBA has more viewers than the WNBA. People want to watch the best.
[Before any of youse get all bent out of shape because I acknowledged that the NBA has better basketball players in it than the WNBA, I will readily admit that the birds that play in the WNBA have good fundamentals and are talented and they could all dominate me. But I'm not a professional basketball player, and ain't a one of them could play in the NBA. If one of them could, we'd watch her because she was the best, not because she was the best chick.]
Steroids make athletes better. Period. Remember that Mark McGuire/Sammy Sosa race to break the single season home run record back in 1998? How awesome was that? How awesome would this year be if we stopped giving a shit about roids, and Barry Bonds wasn't such a douchebottle? Watching great players do great things is what sports are all about.
3) Drawing a distinction between Performance Enhancing Drugs and other new technology is totally capricious.
Lance Armstrong's first book is called It's Not About the Bike. But the fact of the matter is, to some degree, it is about the bike Lance. Lance's team had the best equipment, and it showed. The gap is narrowing, but for a while, Trek and the US Postal team did far more testing and engineering and custom tailoring their bikes for their riders. But so what? Technology improves, and in a sport like cycling, that makes for faster racing. And don't even get me started on the clap skate.
Also, remember Kirk Gibson's famous game-winning homer in the 1988 world series? Could he have even stepped to the plate without a cortisone shot? My guess is no. Athletes use all sorts of "performance enhancing drugs" to play when they're injured.
The truth is that Babe Ruth didn't have access to cortisone shots, and Philippe Thys only had like three gears when he won the Tour de France. All sorts of technology has made comparing today's athletes to their predecessors rather difficult. None of today's athletes "play clean" by 1920s standards. But I say that Kirk's homer is one of the best plays in baseball history. And Lance's dominance in the tour made it exciting to a whole country. The technology that allowed them to accomplish their feats made their sports better.
4) A viable, legal market for Performance Enhancing Drugs would lead to the development of better and safer drugs.
Do you know who wins the modern Tour de France? It's still not the guy that works the hardest. It's not the guy with the most talent either. It's not even the guy with the best drugs really. It's the guy with the least detectable drugs. The guys that develop these drugs have to work largely underground. A major goal is to make said drugs undetectable. But if PEDs were legal, the big drug companies would jump headfirst into that game and try to make better drugs. Along the way, they'd make them safer. Sooner or later, we could all benefit from this stuff. If our children can all bench press 400 lbs, would it not be a better world?
5) We could enjoy the games we love without having to scrutinize the athletes that play them.
This should be a very exciting time in sports. These guys are out there getting paid big bucks to entertain us. They found a way to make their craft more entertaining. The only people it could possibly hurt are the athletes themselves, and they're the ones choosing to take that risk. Shouldn't they be free to do so? [This isn't Russia, is this Russia?] Shouldn't we be able to cheer them on without wondering what they're on? With respect to the Tour de France, legalizing PEDs are its only hope. Baseball isn't too far from that. Who knows what sport is next. Do we really want of romanticized visions of the past to ruin the sports we love?
Hoo-ray for Roids!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Dropping the ball
It was a long weekend and although it's only Tuesday, it's been a really long week too. The big event of my weekend was Saturday's Brewer game against the Giants from San Francisco, led by the Giant head of Barry Bonds. Former Roomie B was out of town for a wedding, so I would be joined by two guys named J and former neighbor K. I got up early on Saturday to prepare for the tailgate party that was precede the game. But first, I had to stop at Borders to get my reserved copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Yeah, that's right, I'm a male attorney in my late twenties and I've read the first six books, I love them, and I was eagerly awaiting the latest chapter in Harry's life. While I was waiting in line with various children and girls that appear to be in the education field, I see Former Roomie B walk in to pick up his copy. [I should note that Former Roomie B is the manliest man I know. He has a freezer full of meat that he shot, he has several items of furniture that he built, he's a former rugby player, and last year when we went camping one of our canoes was plastic and it filled with water when the outside layer of plastic got a crack and therefore weighed several metric tons more than it did before it cracked and Former Roomie B carried it every portage after the crack (Hey, shut up, I still carried the other canoe). He also won our "who can throw that big rock the farthest" contest.] We had a good laugh at our own expense, then he left for the wedding and I left for the grocery store for some brats and Italian sausages.
I picked some winners from the meat department at the Metro Market by my place and went home to boil them. Now, you may not believe this now, and you surely won't believe it by the end of this story, but I am an excellent tailgater. I use charcoal instead of gas, I can open beer bottles with my teeth, and I pre-boil my brats in the best brat-boiling beer ever: Miller Highlife. Some people may tell you that you should use a dark beer, like a stout or a porter. These people are liars. I drink stouts and porters like crazy and I love them, but Miller Highlife is second to no beer for cookin sausage in. So I boil the brats and the italians and put them in bags marked "brats" and "I-talians" and put them in the fridge while I fill the cooler with beer.
Soon after everyone arrives and we're on our way to the game. I take the secret 41st St. entrance to Miller Park and in no time I have some perfectly burning coals in my little red grill. And then I realize that the meat is still in my fridge.
FUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
The lack of meat, along with the car alarm that went off every ten minutes made the tailgate situation less than ideal. But we still had fun, and ate plenty of grub in the stadium. But as we'd soon find out, I wasn't the only one that dropped the ball that day. The Brewers looked awful. I won't recap the game, but I'll just say that there wasn't a single moment of that game that was worth getting excited about.
__________________
Speaking of the Brewers, I'm going to take a second to plug an awesome blog. So, the Crew took the next game and then went on the road to face the Cincinnati Reds. Last nights game was a pitcher's duel between Chris Capuano and the Red's humongous ace, Aaron Harang. The game was tied at the end of nine and went to extra innings. This looked promising for the Crew because the the Reds' bullpen blows. But we loaded the bases in both the 11th and 12th and couldn't cash in on either. In the 12th ( I think) Johnny Estrada grounded into a double play to end the inning. My reaction is forever memorialized by a true artist, here:
That about sums it up. Go read Kate's blog. She really has a way of summing it up... with stick figures.
___________
That's all I got today. I'm going to go read Harry Potter now.
Yeah, that's right, I'm a male attorney in my late twenties and I've read the first six books, I love them, and I was eagerly awaiting the latest chapter in Harry's life. While I was waiting in line with various children and girls that appear to be in the education field, I see Former Roomie B walk in to pick up his copy. [I should note that Former Roomie B is the manliest man I know. He has a freezer full of meat that he shot, he has several items of furniture that he built, he's a former rugby player, and last year when we went camping one of our canoes was plastic and it filled with water when the outside layer of plastic got a crack and therefore weighed several metric tons more than it did before it cracked and Former Roomie B carried it every portage after the crack (Hey, shut up, I still carried the other canoe). He also won our "who can throw that big rock the farthest" contest.] We had a good laugh at our own expense, then he left for the wedding and I left for the grocery store for some brats and Italian sausages.
I picked some winners from the meat department at the Metro Market by my place and went home to boil them. Now, you may not believe this now, and you surely won't believe it by the end of this story, but I am an excellent tailgater. I use charcoal instead of gas, I can open beer bottles with my teeth, and I pre-boil my brats in the best brat-boiling beer ever: Miller Highlife. Some people may tell you that you should use a dark beer, like a stout or a porter. These people are liars. I drink stouts and porters like crazy and I love them, but Miller Highlife is second to no beer for cookin sausage in. So I boil the brats and the italians and put them in bags marked "brats" and "I-talians" and put them in the fridge while I fill the cooler with beer.
Soon after everyone arrives and we're on our way to the game. I take the secret 41st St. entrance to Miller Park and in no time I have some perfectly burning coals in my little red grill. And then I realize that the meat is still in my fridge.
FUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
The lack of meat, along with the car alarm that went off every ten minutes made the tailgate situation less than ideal. But we still had fun, and ate plenty of grub in the stadium. But as we'd soon find out, I wasn't the only one that dropped the ball that day. The Brewers looked awful. I won't recap the game, but I'll just say that there wasn't a single moment of that game that was worth getting excited about.
__________________
Speaking of the Brewers, I'm going to take a second to plug an awesome blog. So, the Crew took the next game and then went on the road to face the Cincinnati Reds. Last nights game was a pitcher's duel between Chris Capuano and the Red's humongous ace, Aaron Harang. The game was tied at the end of nine and went to extra innings. This looked promising for the Crew because the the Reds' bullpen blows. But we loaded the bases in both the 11th and 12th and couldn't cash in on either. In the 12th ( I think) Johnny Estrada grounded into a double play to end the inning. My reaction is forever memorialized by a true artist, here:
That about sums it up. Go read Kate's blog. She really has a way of summing it up... with stick figures.
___________
That's all I got today. I'm going to go read Harry Potter now.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Some sports stuff
I think the NBA is pretty much a joke. In fact, I'm baffled that anyone thinks it's "news" that an NBA ref was shaving points. I've only watched a hand full of NBA games, but I found it obvious in all of them that the NBA and the WWF (or is it WWE now?) have pretty much the same officiating policy--let the stars win. The only News here is that the ref in question was being paid by the mob to cheat. I thought the NBA paid them to do that.
That said, I do try to support my team, the Bucks, to some degree. I'm not an avid fan by any means, but I go to a few games a year. The recent Bucks news has centered around the fact that our recent first round draft pick from China, just like most of his American counterparts, is a prima donna asshole. The Bucks used their pick on a 7-footer named Yi Jianlain. Since then, Yi and his handlers have stated that Yi will not play for Milwaukee. He's requested to be traded and said if he isn't, that he would go back to China. His stated reasons have been conflicting, but one of them is that Milwaukee doesn't have a big Chinese population. He's a prima donna asshole AND a racist! Nice work Yi, nice work. So basically, we squandered our first round pick. Nice pick Bucks. Nice pick.
But this news is perhaps even more depressing for our front court. Andrew Bogut just did this to his head:
That said, I do try to support my team, the Bucks, to some degree. I'm not an avid fan by any means, but I go to a few games a year. The recent Bucks news has centered around the fact that our recent first round draft pick from China, just like most of his American counterparts, is a prima donna asshole. The Bucks used their pick on a 7-footer named Yi Jianlain. Since then, Yi and his handlers have stated that Yi will not play for Milwaukee. He's requested to be traded and said if he isn't, that he would go back to China. His stated reasons have been conflicting, but one of them is that Milwaukee doesn't have a big Chinese population. He's a prima donna asshole AND a racist! Nice work Yi, nice work. So basically, we squandered our first round pick. Nice pick Bucks. Nice pick.
But this news is perhaps even more depressing for our front court. Andrew Bogut just did this to his head:
Are you kitten me? Seriously Andrew? Who the hell do you think you are, Tong Po?
_______________
Beckham's move to The States has been getting a lot of attention. What I've found odd is the level of condescension that most of the American sportscasters have treated Beckham and his sport with in their coverage. Bryan Gumbel thinks it's xenophobia. I'm not sure that's true, but it is asinine that the mediocre former athletes and douchebag columnists of ESPN think they're entitled to project any aura of superiority over Beckham or the sport of soccer. Whether we Yankees will admit it or not, soccer is a very difficult sport and its stars are outstanding athletes. And it's the most popular sport in the world. If you don't like the sport of soccer, the reason has more to do with the household you were brought up in than anything about the game itself. So if any douchebag sportscasters are reading this, here is my advice to you: If you don't like soccer or David Beckham, that's fine. But don't be such a dick about it.
I, for one, wish Becks well.
______________________
In other much-covered news, Barry Bonds comes to Milwaukee today, three homers shy of breaking Hank Aaron's career record. A few days ago it seemed unlikely he'd break it here, but after jacking two against the Cubs yesterday, it seems at least possible. I'll be at the game on Saturday, but to be honest, I don't really care one way or another if he breaks the record here. I have more important things to worry about. Like a pennant race.
You jerks have a good weekend.
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