Thursday, August 23, 2007

I hate Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney is kind of a prick. And he's also really really stupid. Since my dad is a big 60 Minutes fan, I've been watching Andy Rooney for most of my life. For those of you that aren't familiar with him, Andy Rooney is this crusty old dude that spouts out a few minutes of stream--of-conscious nonsense at the end of every episode of 60 Minutes. I've seen hundreds of these segments, and every time I see one I ask whoever is around, "why does this guy have a job?"

Knowing of my hatred for Andy Rooney, a friend of mine sent me this article from the Stamford Times in which Rooney sort of talks about baseball. It's incoherent, unorganized, ignorant and even racist. I think it may represent the height of Andy Rooney's douchebaggery.

Apparently bloggers like me will sometimes "fisk" an article. The term is named after British journalist Robert Fisk and it basically means that you point out each bit of nonsense in an article. So today, I'm going to fisk Andy Rooney's trashy article about baseball. His words are in italics.

Baseball has never been my game. I never liked it as a kid, probably because I could never throw a ball very well. My friends said I threw like a girl and that's enough to put any young boy off a game. As I've probably told you — after over 4,000 columns it's sometimes hard to remember what I've said before — my father took me to a Yankee game when I was about 10 years old and Joe DiMaggio struck out three times.

Andy Rooney was born in January of 1919. Joe D came up in 1936. So either "about 10 years old" means 17-and-a-half at the youngest, or you're lying about seeing Dimaggio play when you were a kid. Also, Dimaggio struck out 369 times in 1,736 career games. That's about once every five games. I'm not saying he never struck out three times in one game, but it probably didn't happen more than once or twice. He also hit 361 home runs, so the odds of Andy Rooney seeing Joe Dimmaggio strike out three times in one game are roughly the same as the odds that he saw him clout three dingers in one game.

My disinterest in baseball as a kid has lasted all my life. I'm still not interested in the game. I don't watch it on television or follow it in the newspaper. I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, but today's baseball stars are all guys named Rodriguez to me.

Yeah, I can't tell any of those brown people apart either. And don't get me started on the negroes. Is he serious? Did he actually write that in something that was going to be published?

They're apparently very good but they haven't caught my interest. I also think baseball needs some rules changes, too. For example, the player who starts the game as pitcher should have to play all nine innings without a substitution. A pitcher hardly ever plays more than a few innings and then the manager replaces him with someone who isn't as good.

No, and a running back shouldn't have to play every down. Because that's not how the game works. Also, pitchers routinely play more than "a few innings." If your starter has to come out before the 6th, your team suffers. And relief pitchers aren't always worse than starters. They're just different. Like the counselors at school said I was "just different."

I think baseball managers dominate the games more than the players do and more than coaches do in other sports.

Yeah, that's probably true. And they get to wear uniforms. So what?

There are 30 major league baseball teams, but sometimes it seems as though the New York Yankees are the only team that ever wins the World Series. There have been 102 World Series since 1903. The Yankees have been in 39 of those and they've won 26. Five teams have never won a World Series. What in the world keeps baseball fans in those cities coming to games?

Lets list those five teams: Milwaukee Brewers, San Diego Padres, Houston Astros, Colorado Rockies and the Seatle Mariners... and the Washington Nationals, Texas Rangers and Tampa Bay Devil Rays. That's 8 teams. Even more than five teams have never won the world series. Maybe Andy is on to something here. I wonder if any football teams have never won a Superbowl? Lets see, there's the Vikings, the Falcons, the Lions, the Bills, and the Seahawks. That's five. But there's also the Chargers, the Eagles, the Browns, the Bengals, the Saints, the Cardinals, the Panthers, the Jaguars, the Titans and the Texans. How many is that? [Answer: 15]. There is more parity in baseball then in football by any conceivable measurement.

The figures they keep giving us on broadcasts of baseball games are batting statistics, the amount being paid the players, the number of fans in the stands. There are other statistics I'd like to hear more often. When a player comes up to bat, they can tell me what his batting average is but I'd also like to know how many times he's struck out. Tell me how many different teams he's played with. Which player on either team has made the most errors? What's the average IQ of a baseball team compared with the IQ of a professional football team?

First of all, "how many times a player strikes out" is a "batting statistic." Second of all, I'm sure the average IQ of a baseball team is much higher than the average IQ of crusty old 60 Minutes "journalists."

It seems like a major mystery that baseball has never caught on in other countries the way it has here.

Baseball is the most popular sport in The Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Japan, Cuba, Panama, Venezuela, Nicaragua, South Korea, and Taiwan. The USA just got stomped in the World Baseball Classic. And I'm pretty sure Ichiro is not from Ohio.

There are baseball leagues in several countries but their citizens' interest is mostly in soccer [football as they call it].

Wait, they call it "football"? How's Japan's "football" team?

Cricket is popular in some countries, but it makes hopscotch seem exciting.

So does Andy' Rooney's writing style.

It's easier to understand why our football game isn't played in other countries. Football is complicated. It takes a lot of practice and it's expensive. All players need for a soccer game is a ball and a pair of shorts and shoes. It's harder for a bunch of kids to get together Saturday morning and go to a vacant lot to play football than to play either soccer or baseball.

I know you guys aren't going to believe this, but sometimes my friends and I get together and play football. We've been doing it for years. Lest you think I am some snobby rich person, I swear to Thor, all it takes is a ball and a pair of shorts and shoes. And sometimes a coat and mittens in these parts.

Some of the best times of my life were playing football, and some of the best friends I made were fellow football players in high school and college. You're more dependent on teammates in football than in baseball and a bonding takes place.

How can he possibly know this? He stated that he's never played baseball and that he throws like a girl.

In a football game, you're dependent on the players on either side of you. In a baseball game, you're pretty much on your own.

Well, unless you get a base hit and don't want to be left stranded on the base. Or you throw to first to get a player out and you want the first baseman to catch the ball.

Basketball is a better team sport to me than baseball, but size means too much in basketball. I never got taller than 5-foot-9 and didn't make the basketball team in school. I ended up as the backstroker on the swimming team. I was a good swimmer but hated doing laps for practice. The water was always cold and after half an hour in the chlorinated pool my eyes were red and my skin wrinkled. It took the fun out of swimming.

I'm not quite sure what he's talking about here. He started out talking about team unity and now he's talking about chlorinated eyes. It's almost as if Mr. Rooney is crazy.

Considering the fact that who wins or loses any game makes no difference whatsoever in our lives, it's interesting how important a game can seem to us sometimes. The greatest sports loss of my life was a high school football game. We were undefeated and the game was the last of the season. It ended in a scoreless tie and we were crushed by what seemed like the worst defeat of our lives.

Yup, he's crazy. Totally bonkers. This has nothing to do with his theme. It's just some nonsense.

Write to Andy Rooney at Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or via email at

Dear Andy,

You are a douchebag.


Danny from Milwaukee


Anonymous said...

I've always found him repulsive. But to be fair, there are a lot of guys named Rodriguez in MLB.

Danny from Milwaukee said...

Yeah, I suppose there are. I bet Andy Rooney doesn't know that though.

Anonymous said...

the last paragraph is just weird. i bet he doesn't even know what he's talking about.

cpadave said...

He's an old coot, but "hate" is a pretty strong word.

I just searched groups on facebook for "Andy Rooney" and surprisingly there are more pro-Rooney groups than anti-Rooney groups.

PaulNoonan said...

Nice job. Maybe I'll start "Fire Andy Rooney."

Danny from Milwaukee said...

Yup, he's bonkers.

There are pro-Rooney facebook groups? I've never been more worried about the future. Are a lot of CPA's on facebook?

I'm surprised it doesn't exist. I think he's even stupider than Joe Morgan. I really do.

Brandon said...

Hey I see this blog post is a little old but I found it via google and wanted to chime in :) I saw the live broadcast with this particular Rooney segment and I was also struck by what an ignorant stupid waste of broadcast time it had been. Rooney also asked "Why do they call it the World Series anyway? Doesn't America usually win?" ... TWO minutes of searching the Internet explained the ENTIRE answer to that question. I guess CBS enjoys paying a senile old fartbag not to do ANY research whatsoever, wouldn't you say?

Anonymous said...

Thank goodness for your commentary because when I read the portions of Rooney's article, I just kept reading "blah....blah blah blah...blah....blah blah blah blah..."

Rooney is completely inept!

Anonymous said...

I am so glad I found this blog. I cannot STAND Andy Rooney! Like you, I wonder how he even has a job. His big yellow teeth, crazy eyebrows, and unintelligent rants ruin 60 minutes. RETIRE dude!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for reaffirming my sanity. I just started listening to 60 Minutes on a regular basis, and I have yet to hear a Rooney rant that doesn't make me want to tear my hair out just a little bit. I just typed I hate Andy Rooney into google to see what would come up.

Shivonne said...

For years I've been wondering, like you, why this man has a job. I suppose it's because there are lots of people like him who can relate to his incoherent babble. You know, those people who proclaim random things with the utmost conviction, so that you're forced to say, "Ummm, no...that's that just false." But you can't reason with them because their attempts at refuting logical arguments get so convoluted they give you a headache. And you wind up saying, "You're right, we need to fight terrorism so everyone will stop having abortions all the time," just to make them shut up.

Anonymous said...

My who's views are drastically different than mines sent me this in an e-mail apparently for reason unbeknownst to be she thought I would like it;

Good for him!!!

Surprised CBS let him get away with this even though he's right!

Right on, Andy Rooney !

Andy Rooney said on '60 Minutes' a few weeks back:

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, which is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING, MARTHA BURKE ?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I have the right 'NOT' to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot you if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich; I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say 'NO!'

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of 'Political Correctness.' I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa ; so how can they be 'African-Americans'? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

And if you don't like my point of view, tough ...


I was asked to send this on if I agree or delete if I don't. It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having 'In God We Trust' on our money and having 'God' in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to BE QUIET!!!

All I can say wow and I don't think we'll be friends for much longer.

Anonymous said...

i also hate andy rooney!

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