Waayy too cold to be a gangster.

The word on the street yesterday was that the upcoming Johnny Depp/Christian Bale flick Public Enemies was casting extras for non-speaking parts at the Italian Community center. They were looking for guys that are under 6'1" with "good faces." If that doesn't describe me to a "T" I don't know what does. So me and some friends headed over to the ICC in our suits and overcoats. Thankfully, recommended attire is what I wear to work. When we got there, the line was around the block. Actually it was about three blocks long. And 20 degrees at best. Most of the women in line were weaing skirts and high-heels. Although some of them made valliant efforts to keep warm - I saw one girl with her left foot in her purse and her right foot wrapped in a scarf - they looked miserable. We waited for about an hour and a half and then threw in the towel. I figured the odds of one of the women in our group dieing from exposure were greater than the odds of me getting held up by Johnny Depp on the big screen. My fame will have to wait.

We went to Elsa's on the Park for food and drink instead. I'm a bit fan of Elsa's. It always has a good crowd and feels like a lively place to be. The atmosphere is a little fancy, but it's basically a burger joint. We had some nachos and wings and a bunch of brown beers in .75L bottles. It turned out to be a good night.

Cuban sandwiches are gross

In honor of the fall of Castro from power, I had a mojito and some empanadas at Cubanitas last weekend. I'm a big fan of Cubanitas. It's a lively place, with good food and fun drinks, and it's certainly something "different" in Milwaukee. The one exception to the "good food" is the Sandwich Cubano. I can't blame Cubanitas specifically for this disgusting thing, because I'm sure they make a lovely version of it. The problem is the sandwich itself, so I blame the whole country of Cuba. The Cuban sandwich starts off with roasted pork, Virginia ham and Swiss cheese. We're okay so far. Nothing wrong with pig and cheese. But then they start to lose me: a dill pickle. Now, I don't know what the difference between a dill pickle and a sweet pickle is, but I do know that I'd rather eat a bug than either of them. I find pickles to be the absolute most disgusting food on earth (except maybe strawberries) and I'm grossed out when even the juice of one touches some french fries on my plate. But it gets worse: with a mustard- aioli spread. I'm not sure what a mustard-aioli spread is, but I do know it burns my nose when I smell it. That can't be good. All that said, the rest of their food is pretty awesome and it's a great place to go if you're into toasting to the fall stepping down of a cruel dictator. And who isn't?

Best Drink Special Ever

Friday night, I had plans to meet some friends at The Old German Beer Hall, a Haffbrauhaus bar on Milwaukee's Old World Third Street. I was the first of to arrive so I took a seat at the bar to wait for B & C and J & S (As I've mentioned before, I'm a tremendous third wheel, or 5th wheel... or Xth wheel where X = any odd number). I noticed that the specials board behind the bar said, "Friday Special: Free Beer." Free beer? There had to be a catch. I asked the bartender what the catch was. He said there was no catch. They tap a keg of Hoffbrau Original at 6:00pm every Friday and it's free until it's gone. Also, whoever gets the last glass from the free keg drinks free all night. So I ordered a beer. And, as luck would have it, it was the last one. What I had intended to be an easy night, turned into a pretty rowdy one. Although it could have been worse considering my history with German Beer. Maybe it's the polka. Or maybe it's the giant containers that German bars are in the habit of serving beer in.

Or maybe it's that I'm pretty "good" at the boot game. [In the boot game, you pass a three litre glass boot full of beer around a group of people. You can drink as much as you want, but if the person that drinks after you finished the boot, you have to buy the next one. I didn't buy too many boots in college.]

And that's basically free beer too.

Fantasy Football Draft Night

The fantasy football league you play in totally sucks compared to the one I play in. I mean, I'm sure you have fun with it and all, but compared to my league, your league is like fantasy football Jr. Or fantasy fantasy football. While your league is run by Yahoo, my league is run by a bartender named Dave that may or may not be a savant. In your league, whoever gets the first pick chooses LT. In my league, whoever was willing to spend almost 40% of his cap space got LT. At $38, LT was kind of a stupid pick in my league (In contrast, Frank Gore went for $25, Steve Jackson went for $26 and Brian Westbrook went for $23).

I won't explain my league in too much detail because the rule book is an inch thick and Dave may want to patent it. But it basically breaks down to three rounds of drafting. In the first round, the top 25 players (based on how they scored in our league in the previous season) are put up for auction. These are basically unrestricted free agents. You can bid as much as you want for these guys, so long as you stay under your $100 salary cap and leave enough to pay 19 other players $2.40 each.

[This year Michael Vick went up for auction because of his numbers from last year. I bid the league minimum for him and got him. It sounds stupid, but I can hold him over for next year when he comes back as an all-pro dog-killin wide receiver.]

After that round, all the remaining players are drafted, kinda like in your little baby league. But after the first four rounds of drafting, each team can try to steal two players that were drafted by other teams by making an offer on them. If you want to keep a player that you drafted that another team made an offer on, you have to match that offer. If you spent too much in the auction, you might lose your high draft picks, like my brother did. So these players are basically restricted free agents. After this it's just a regular draft to fill out your roster.

We play 16 games in the first 13 real games of the season due to double indemnity weeks in which you play both a head-to-head match as well as an at large match in which the top half of each conference gets a win and the bottom half gets a loss. The last three weeks of the real season are our playoffs and the [redacted].

[By the way, the draft took place at Copper's Pub in the Country Springs Hotel just off 94, one of the places where Dave tends bar. Copper's is a pretty great place to watch a game or draft a fantasy football team. Dave and some of the other bar patrons are sort of retarded in that they would rather watch pre-season football then real baseball when our team is in a pennant race, but I'll let that slide. What's cool about Copper's is the beer club. Coppers has 100 different beers in a bottle, good ones too. You can get this little card and check them off as you go. When you finish the card, you get your name up on the "Hall of Foam" plaque and a free night in an "executive suite" at the hotel. I think I'm going to be watching a lot of football at Copper's this fall.]

At the end of the 5 hours of drafting, my team shaped up alright. I had held over Willis McGahee ($10) from last year and got Ahman Green ($8) and Julius Jones ($10) [I had to put Jones on injury reserve to save cap room for now. I'll have to make some moves to take him off]for running backs. I got Carson Palmer for a song ($15) in the auction and drafted Brett Favre ($3) for my backup QB. I have Marvin Harrison ($17.50), Larry Fitzgerald ($3) and Hines Ward ($8) at receiver, Shockey ($3) at tight end, and some rando defensive players. I think it's a solid team and I should fair alright.

Comedy Cafe, The Onion putting things into perspective, and the return of baseball

My friends and I go to JD's Comedy Cafe every couple months. That's because the Comedy Cafe has this brilliant marketing ploy in which they have patrons fill out little cards to enter into a contest to win a "party" at the Comedy Cafe. The party consists of the winner and up to 19 guests getting in for $1 cover instead of the regular $12. There's still a two-drink minimum. If you go with a group of, say, ten people, somebody in your group will win a free party. Every time. It lets them fill the seats for every show and they still make their money on drinks. And it's good for us too, because we feel like we're getting a deal and it's always a fun time. I'm a big fan of stand-up comedy, especially when it's live. The lineup at JD's usually starts off with the MC. I don't know his name, but he has super thick glasses and a few funny jokes about fried chicken. He's warmed up the audience at most of the shows I've been at and does a good job of it. Although, by now I've heard every joke he has. MC Big-glasses is then followed by a trio of touring comics. The first one usually blows. The second one is usually pretty good. The third one is usually someone that has done Leno and Letterman, and maybe even Craig Fergusen. The third act is usually very good.

Last night was sort of strange. The party that Former Roomie B won started at this bar called Victor's, where we got some free appetizers, before a bus took us to the Comedy Cafe. Victors is affectionately referred to as Victims. It looks like a Vegas lounge from the 1970s where down-on-their-luck businessmen go to pick up prostitutes. It has a reputation for being full of cougars. Considering all the stories I've heard about Victims, in the few times I've patronized the place, I've never had a bad time there. We ate our fill and then boarded the bus to JD's.

MC Big-glasses put on a fine show. He was followed by a woman who's first joke started like this, "when I told my dad I wanted to be a comedian, he said 'why do you want to be a comedian? Women aren't funny.'" I don't know how this joke ended, but I think her dad was right.

But the second act was sort of strange. He was this 45 year old white guy. He was a little overweight and had a goatee. He started off making jokes about pot and stuff like that. He was really funny and totally had the audience with him. But then he segued into some racial humor. At some point, he went off script and just started telling stories with no real punchlines and at some point soon after that, he started to look visibly frazzled. He was tiptoeing a line that few white comics dare to go anywhere near. It was a mixed crowd but it didn't seem like anyone was close to bustin a cap in his ass or anything. Anyway, it was a little weird. But then he went back to pot humor and jokes about his gay son and all was forgiven.

He was followed by a young black comic that made jokes about beating his kids and locking his students [he was a "staff member" at a middle school, but not a teacher] in his trunk. He was also very funny. Afterwards, we returned to victims to pick up some cougars eat some pizza. All in all, it was a fun night of Comedy.

_________________

I'm not sure I've mentioned this on here before, but I'm having a mid-life crisis. This is scary for several reasons, most notably that if this is mid-life, I'll be dead at 55. My pop tells me that everyone gets like this in there first few years out of school, so I'm probably just being melodramatic. Either way, a friend of mine sent me this old Onion article today and I found it very appropriate:

Temp Hides Fun, Fulfilling Life From Rest Of Office

BOSTON—Ty Braxton, 23, continues to hide his fun and fulfilling life from the full-time employees of Hale & Dorr, the Boston law firm for which he has temped since July.

"At a job like this, where you're surrounded by angry, perpetually stressed-out lawyers who are working 80 hours a week, it's important to hide the fact that you're enjoying a normal, balanced, happy life," Braxton said Monday. "People get really pissed when they hear stuff like that."

Braxton, who earns roughly one-fourth of what the firm's lowest-seniority full-time employees make, said he has no desire to make his coworkers feel bad about their "boring, shitty lives."

"If somebody complains about how bad it sucks to work overtime five days straight, I just nod and agree," said Braxton, who spends his weeknights at parties, at concerts, and playing basketball in the park. "No point in rubbing in the fact that no matter how busy things are, I leave at exactly 5 p.m. every single day.

...

This really makes me go hmmmm.

______________________________


After like 4 horrible days without baseball, the Milwaukee Brewers and I return to Miller Park for a game against the Colorado Rockies. Awesome.

Have a good weekend jerks.

5 Things: Brewpub edition

So I've noticed that a lot of webloggers do a recurring feature of some sort. Like, maybe they answer [fake] reader mail on Fridays or maybe they make a list of Six Songs that they're currently digging. One weblog I've been reading a lot lately ranks their commentors each week. I was thinking that I need something like this. I really like lists. Now, I like all of the ideas of my fellow webloggers that I mentioned above, but they would be impossible for me. I can't do reader mail, because I don't have any readers. Not even fake ones. I think my six songs would be pretty much the same every week. And I don't get enough comments to rank my commentors (although the post below is doing all right. I rule!). So since I can't copy these guys, I'm going to copy David Letterman. Well not exactly. Each Thursday I'm going to make a list of 5 things. Lists rule. And I do too.


The following is my list of 5 dominant brew pubs. This is largely (but not entirely) a regional list since I haven't visited too many brewpubs outside of Wisconsin. But there are a shitload of brewpubs in Wisconsin and I've patronized most of them. I think that I can safely say that this list probably represents the best brewpubs in the United States... possibly.. the world. It's also topical because there is a bill before the Wisconsin Senate that is pissing of some brewpubs owners. Basically, the bill makes it difficult for brewpubs that sell food to also sell their beer to other bars or liquor stores. In protest, the owner of the Milwaukee Ale House, um, dumped a bunch of beer in the Milwaukee river. I think he was trying to mimic the Boston Tea Party or something, but it was still a really stupid thing to do. They have some good beer for Chrisake. It seems like a waste to just dump it into the river. They could have at leasr given it to homeless people. Anyway, I don't really "understand" the bill or the protest, but I know that it has something to do with beer. And I like beer. And here are 5 dominant brewpubs:


1. The Great Dane. The Dane is located on King St., just off the Capital Square in Madison, WI. There are actually three locations, but the other two feel more like Applebees than Brewpubs. They all have the same dominant beer, but the downtown location is the best. They have six nice pool tables and good food. They also have really good beer. My favorite is the Devil's Lake Red. It's awesome. It has a creamy head, almost like a Boddington's, but it's red. The Peck's Pils is also good, but I think it has cocaine in it or something. Every time I drink the Pils I end up waking up on my back in the Capital's lawn.

2. The Lakefront Brewery. The Lakefront Brewery is located on Commerce Ave. in Milwaukee, WI. I suppose that technically it's a microbrewery as opposed to a brewpub, but that distinction is largely illusory because you can definitely go to the Lakefront Brewery and get shit-faced. You can also get a Friday fish fry. As far as I'm concerned, that makes it a pub. The LFB, which is not on the lakefront, was opened when two brothers that were both home-brewers bought an old bakery and turned it into a brewery. They eventually upgraded to a bigger building on the Milwaukee River. It was basically the only building for like a mile. But lately, condos have been sprouting up all around the joint. So basically, these guys have themselves a goldmine. The best thing about the Lakefront Brewery is the tour. It costs $5 and includes a pint glass and five beers. I used to live a few hundred yards away so I've taken the tour about twenty times. Unlike the Miller tour, which is led by some rando college chick majoring in marketing or something, the LFB tour is often led by the owners, or at least the guys that make the beer. Also, you get your free beer before and during the tour instead of at the end. The LFB also owns Bernie Brewer's old chalet and slide from County Stadium. On some tours they let you go down the slide. But lately I think they've shied away from that because of the liability issues that surround a big slide coupled with lots of beer. Their best beer is the East Side Dark, but they also have some atypical varieties like the coffee-flavored Fuel Cafe, and the pumpkin pie flavored Pumpkin Lager. That last one actually isn't as bad as it sounds. And I'm definitely a guy that prefers his beer to be beer-flavored.

3. The Milwaukee Ale House. The Ale House is located on Water Street in Milwaukee's third ward. It's right on the river, which makes for a lovely outdoor dining experience. They usually have solid bands playing on weekends too. Their best brew is definitely Louie's Demise. Louie's Demise is named after somebody's (I'm not sure who's) great great uncle Louie, who was killed with a beer glass in a barroom scuffle. Or something like that. Stupid story, but a good beer.

They also have a good one called Sheepshead Stout, which, obvious to Milwaukeeans, is named after the popular card game.

4. The Wasatch Pub & Brewery. I first encountered Wasatch beer at the Salt Lake City airport on my way to Vegas. We had a layover so we stopped for a beer at the nearest bar in the terminal. We were a little worried that a beer would be hard to find in Utah, given the state's reputation for being fucking crazy. But we learned very quickly that at least one person in the state of Utah has a sense of humor. Wasatch's flagship brew is called Polygamy Porter. Awesome. And it's not just a clever name, it's pretty good. A little lighter and sweeter than your average porter, but very tasty. They also brew a First Amendment Lager and an Evolution Ale. I bet the locals love them.

5. Goose Island. Goose Island is a Chicago Brew Pub in Wrigleyville. I've been to Goose Island a bunch of times. Their beer is solid and their food is satisfying enough (although last time I was there, I think it may have done some damage. Until I can confirm that, it's staying in the top 5). I'm a big fan of their main beverage, Honkers Ale. It's also a brilliant business plan in my book. And those goose head taps are sharp marketing.

That's all I got for my first 5 Things. If I feel like it, I'll do another one next Thursday. Also, if you happen to be the proprietor of a brew pub that I did not mention and you think you deserve a spot on my list, please send me some of your beer and I will consider revising my list.

Chicago

I just returned from a whirlwind 32 hour trip to Chicago for some baseball games. Lots of fun times were had, I saw one big Brewer victory and one disappointing loss, oh, and my body absolutely hates me right now. The trip went like this:

Saturday, June 30 at...

7:01 am. I woke up early. Lots to get done before I boarded the train to Chicago. I felt pretty good about the upcoming games even in spite of the brutal 6-5 loss on Friday after Aramis Ramirez's walk-off dinger against us. If you want to see it, watch this clip. But pay special attention to the post-dinger celebration. The Cubs are obviously very, um, "close"...



(Edit: That youtube video keeps getting taken down so watch it here)

7:22 am. Got ready. I Drank a glass of Ovaltine and walked to the Wallgreens down the street for camera batteries, memory card, Redbull, tagboard and rubber cement. Had a Wallgreens employee making minimum wage look at me like I was completely bonkers.

7:45 am. Made sign. I went with "2007 - THE HUNT FOR NED'S OCTOBER" Get it? Ned refers to Ned Yost, the Brewer's GM, and October is obviously a reference to the playoffs. I'm so fucking clever. Actually I'm not. Some guy on the Brewerfan.net message board is so fucking clever.

9:30 am: Made sure I was properly attired. I went to Grand Avenue Mall and purchased a new Ryan Braun jersey. I wanted to get Matt Wise, but I don't think they make Matt Wise jerseys. The only person with a Matt Wise jersey is Matt Wise. It's kind of too bad, because Wise is a real card. The man missed half a season due to a salad tongs injury. But he's been kicking butt this year. Anyway, I instead settled for the young slugger/Robert-Downy-Jr.-look-a-like.

10:50 am: Boarded train. A former classmate of mine happened to be riding on the same train. So that was nice. But what wasn't nice is that, as far as I could tell, there was no bar aboard the train. I'm new at train travel, but I was expecting a bar. I've been totally misled by Jason Mulgrew.

12:24 pm: Arrived at Union Station. I made a quick call to Matt to tell him to pick me up. While I'm waiting a little kid in a Redsox shirt standing near me looks at my Brewers jersey and says, "Brewers? I like the Redsox." Did I get on the wrong train that somehow took me to Boston in an hour and 34 minutes? "The Redsox are oh-kay kid, but I like the Crew." See ya later kid. At least you're not a Cubs fan.

12:32 pm: Matt arrived in his ridiculously large Toyota truck. Who drives a ridiculously huge Toyota truck in Chicago? Matt does.

[A funny story about Matt's ridiculously large Toyota truck: the tires of the truck have these sensors that monitor the pressure. If one of the tires has lower pressure than the others, a light goes on on the dashboard. The light went on so Matt checked all the tires and the pressure was fine on all of them. He consulted the ol' interweb to see what the problem might be. He was advised to check the spare tire, because it too had a sensor. So Matt checked the spare tire, which was... gone. Stolen. So I guess those sensors and warning lights are good for something.]

So Matt picked me up in his spare-tire-less, ridiculously large Toyota truck. Also present were Pretty Paul and his brother Brian, who would be attending the game with us.

1:15 pm: Pre-gamed. We hit The Cubby Bear for some pre-game drinking. You might think that with a name like "The Cubby Bear," this bar would embrace all things Chicago. But don't be fooled. It's a Packer Bar. My brother joined us for beers, but he had to miss this game. We drank several rounds of over-priced Miller Lites. The Crew was well represented here, which was a good sign. Although the "Biggest Douchebag in the Bar" award would have to go to one of our fans. There was a guy wearing a custom Brewers jersey adorned with the #4 and the name " Favre." I hate to tell you this buddy, but Favre only playes football, the #4 belongs exclusively to a guy named Molitor, and you're a douchebag.

Here's a picture of us at The Cubby Bear:

2:40 pm: Entered the Ballpark. We crossed the street and headed into the stadium.

[By the way, when Miller Park was being built, there was some debate about where it should be located. Some people wanted it to be down town instead of in the middle of nowhere. The pro-middle of nowhere crowd cited "tailgating" as one argument in their favor (parking, cost and some other crap were sited as well). That's a solid argument, but I really really really wish they would have built it down town. I love a good tailgate party, but there's something truly awesome about having a stadium in a neighborhood. There is something even more awesome about walkin 100 yards from a bar to your seat in the park.]

2:50 pm: Found our seats. We were in about the 13th row, on the first base side out in right field. Great seats. Wrigley Field is really a very cool ballpark. It's like going back in time. It's all brick and iron, nothing fancy. I don't even think it has electricity. The scoreboard was a bit charming, but sort of difficult to follow. On this day, it wouldn't matter.

2:51 pm: Got Beer. We ordered a round of... Old Styles? Wha??? Like "Pure brewed in God's country" Old Style? I thought I'd be stuck drinking Anheuser Busch products at this dump, but Old Style would do just fine. Although it's no longer pure brewed in God's Country (LaCrosse, Wisconsin) it is pure brewed in Milwaukee since Miller contract-brews Pabst products these days.

3:00 pm: Got on TV? The Fox Sports camera guy was all over us for like an inning and a half. As far as I know we didn't get on tv though. Did anyone out there see us on tv? Four jerks in Brewer gear on the first base side with a cool sign?

3:15ish: Watched some ball. Nice hit Hart, Nice hit JJ, RBI Double for Ryan Braun! RBI Double for Prince Fielder! Looking good so far. The Crew would bat around the order in the first and score four runs.

4:15ish: Established dominance. The Crew is now up 9 to 2 in the third inning. Everybody is hitting. We had a round of kosher dogs and several more rounds of Old Style. Some girls two rows in the row in front of use invite us to a "singles party." We never made it though.

4:30ish: Ran into a friend. I headed out to find the little cowboy's room and ran into my good friend Kyle! Small world. There really were a ton of Crew fans there! We man-hugged near the concession stand and had a quick chat about how awesome the Brewers are etc. etc.

4:35ish: Took leak. Yeah, the bathrooms here really do just have troughs to piss in. No privacy at all. It really is like going back in time here. It looks kinda like this:

5:15ish: Sang. Seventh inning strech. 41,ooo fans sing "...for it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the ooold baallll gaame!" Four 4 jerks out in right field then sing "Rolllll Outt the barelll, we'll have a barell of funnnn...." It was great. A few Cubs fans threw beer and peanuts at us [I guess they don't like fun] but we were mostly well received.

6:15ish: Picked up the bro. I made a quick stop at the bro's place so I could drop off the sign and pick up the brother.

6:20ish: Drank more beer. We went to a bar called Moe's Cantina. Lots of Brewer fans were out celebrating. Most of us switched to Redbull-based drinks, hit on some ladies etc. My bro took off soon after. He's married and wasn't up for the general debauchery that was ahead for the rest of us.

8:00ish: Ate. Got some grub at Goose Island. I think it sucked, but I could be wrong.

9:15ish: Got bounced. We went back to Moe's Cantina, but this time, they wouldn't let us in... Because we were wearing baseball jerseys. It sounded a little fishy to me since the place wasn't exactly a club and the guys wearing the baby blue Robin Yount jersey and the pinstripe Ryan Braun jersey probably aren't in a gang. But whatever, we were happy to take our business elsewhere.

9:20ish: Got bounced again. Feeling jilted by Moe's, we went next door to John Barleycorn's. And they wouldn't let us in because we were wearing hats. Milwaukee Brewers hats. Now, I know for a fact that John Barleycorn's isn't anything close to a club. What the hell is wrong with this town. It's Wrigleyville for Chrisake, aren't they used to post-baseball game festivities?

10:00ish: Drank. We then went to a bar called Red Ivy where we spent the majority of the evening. Stuff starts to get very blurry at this point so the remaining times are "give or take 3 hours." We started talking to some relatively plain girls from Appleton, WI--Matt's home town. That got old fast so we moved on. Some Asian girls in white dresses started talking to Matt and I. They seemed innocent at first but... Anyway, we moved on and started talking with a group of Brewer fans at the bar, did some shots, danced like idiots (we danced in the polka and square styles. Heh.), hit on girls etc.

2:10ish: Bartime. So we moved on to a bar that's opened past bartime. Why don't we have these in Milwaukee?

2:20ish: Ate bad pizza. Stop for pizza at Pizza Ria, and boy did it suck. Sorry guys, but you can't put ketchup on a cracker and tell me it's pizza no matter how much I've had to drink. We met some young ladies though. However, Matt pissed them off when he dumped crushed red peppers all over their food.

3:00ish: Drank. We arrived at Frank's, a Sinatra-themed bar.

3:10ish: Vomitted. I threw up some black stuff. This was quite odd since I don't remember eating anything black...

4:00ish: Left. Had a spirited debate with Matt about whether we should walk back or get a cab. In the end, we pooled our remaining few dollars and flagged down a cab.

All in all, it was a very fun night.

Sunday, 7/1/07

9:22am: Woke up. I woke up with a painful case of hiccups/heartburn/acid reflux. Apparently I didn't get all of that black stuff out of me the previous evening. It wasn't the typical hangover ailments, this was a whole new animal to me and this animal really really sucked. I pounded some water, had some peanut butter toast and put on SportsCenter. [Now I've never been a big fan of Sportscenter and I rarely watch it. It's times like this that I realize why. What a stupid show. They devoted about 18 pico-seconds to my first place Brewers and like 45 minutes to this garbage team with a sub-500 record called the Yankees. What the hell is that? But to make it worse, they are doing this thing right now called "Who's Now?" They set up this bullshit bracket system to determine "who's now?" Answer: who cares? It works like this: each episode or day or something, that guy with the lazy eye takes two random athletes that the dipshits at SportsCenter embody a nonsense characterization they call "now," or more moronically, "nowness." Like this morning, it was Tiger Woods versus Matt Leinert. Voters are supposed to determine whether the greatest golfer to ever live is more "now" than some mediocre quarterback. So Stu Scott listed the accomplishments of the two. First, Tiger's massive collection of major victories and whatnot. Then he listed Leinert's accomplishments, which included, I shit you not, "rumored to have dated Paris Hilton and Britney Spears." What? I thought this was SPORTScenter? Is "nowness" determined by how many skanks an athlete bangs?] That was enough of that. Matt woke up and we headed out the door for game two.

11:25 am: Evaluated finances. We stopped back at Frank's so I could, you know, close my tab... Ooops.

12:13 pm: Beer and bags. Arrived at my brother's place for some beanbags and beer. The bro destroyed us all at beanbags, but I blame my acid reflux.

1:10 pm: Left for the park. We saw this enterprising young man on the way:

He's selling Mak's Curse-killin Lemonade. I like the curse, but I thought the kid was pretty cool so I forked over the the $.75. I don't think that Country-time crap is going to have much of an effect on the Cubs' curse anyway.

1:20 pm: Found our seats. This time we were on the third base side. One other thing I found charming about Wrigley Field was this:

This is a professional baseball stadium, not a sports bar. But there are all of these random 19 inch TVs all over the place. They aren't even uniform. It's like they were acquired during different Walmart specials over the years. But what makes them even funnier is that United Airlines apparently sponsors these random 19 inch TVs.

1:25: Close to death. My acid reflux was still kicking my ass. I was seriously dying there.

2:00: Get some Tums. I finally decide to see if I can find some Tums in this stadium. I locate an usher and she had some generic Tums in her little medical bag. She was also pretty cute. Thank you cute Wrigley Field usher girl. You saved my life.

1:20-4:20: Watched baseball. The game was mostly uneventful, with the only highlight being a Corey Hart home run, which continued his hitting streak to 17 games. Nice work Corey.

After the game, I hung out with my brother and his wife for a while, grilled some dinner and caught the train back to Milwaukee. And I'm spent.

Are you even supposed to eat Chorizo like that?

If there's one thing we love in Milwaukee, it's sausage [insert gay joke here]. Given that Milwaukee was built on the backs of immigrants from some of the finer sausage-producing nations on Earth, we embrace just about any variety of meat, animal fat, herbs and spices packed into a natural or synthetic casing. If you are in the city limits, you're probably within spitting distance of a place that will sell you a bratwurst, an Italian or a Polish. Lately, due in large part to its addition to the Klement Sausage Race at Miller Park, chorizo has been making it's mark.

[By the way, I adore the sausage race at Miller Park, but I think it's getting dangerously close to "jumping the shark." The first incarnation of the sausage race took place on the County Stadium score board. It was a black and white video of three sausages (brat, Italian and Polish) running in place with the background changing to different Milwaukee landmarks while the theme from Chariots of Fire played. Obviously it was awesome. When I was a junior or senior in high school, they had live "actors" don sausage costumes, and as the scoreboard sausages neared the background shot of County Stadium, the "live" sausages would run out onto the field and cross home plate. This version of the race, like the full-cartoon one, was rigged. The "actors" would pump their arms wildly and appear to veer off course due to the awkwardness of the sausage suits and stuff, but nobody was actually trying to win. Again, this incarnation was awesome. By the time Miller Park was built, the scoreboard sausage race had been completely replaced by the costumed "actors." The hot dog was added to make four. The people in the suits actually started "running," seemingly with the intention of winning. This is not nearly as entertaining as it was when it was rigged, but still awesome. This year, the chorizo was added to make five, an excellent addition. Any way you slice it, five guys dressed up like sausages in borderline-racist, ethnic-stereotype outfits having a foot race in a baseball stadium is a fantastic idea. But here's where it starts to get a little lame. Now, according to an intensely annoying Klements commercial, the racing sausages have "names." Retarded names at that. The Italian sausage is named "Guido" and the Polish sausage is named "Stosh." Okay so far. I like that they're sticking with the borderline-racist ethnic-stereotype theme. It works, and it's really what the sausage race is all about. Sticking with that theme, the Brat should be named "Gunter," the Chorizo should be named "Jose," and the hot dog should be named "Jimmy." That would be great. Those names would adhere to a consistent personified sausage-naming theme. But noooo. The brat's actual, offical name is "Brett Wurst" and the hot dog's name is "Frankie Furter." What the fuck is that? Is that clever or something? But the worst one is the poor chorizo. His name is "Cinco," which I'm pretty sure is just Spanish for "five." Do the Klement's people only know the Spanish words for the numbers one through five and that's it? I don't get it at all? It's worse than (although remarkably similar to) the naming mechanism for the different sizes of Starbucks drinks. Terrible. Just terrible. Wow, that was a long digression.]

Chorizo is a Mexican (I suppose it was originally Spanish or Portuguese or something) pork sausage with chili-type spices in it. It's red in color and it's delicious. I'm not what you would call "cultured," but I was under the impression that the traditional method for eating chorizo was to sort of scramble it up or cut it up and, like, mix it with eggs or put it in a taco or something. I'm probably wrong about that. But what I do know it that the traditional method for serving chorizo is not to put it on a hot dog bun and top it with ketchup and onions and serve with potato[e] chips and a diet Coke. Yet this is what I got for lunch from the hot dog cart guy on the corner of Wisconsin Ave. & Water St. today. And it was outstanding. America is indeed a melting pot.

Little Boxes, Sports Bars and Crazy Packer-backers

My life over the past two months has looked vaguely like an after-school special. Instead of being about drugs or eating disorders, however, the after-school special of my life would be about TV and the Internet. I moved into a new [but very old] apartment in May. I decided not to get cable or Internet at the new crib. This was motivated partly by the desire to save money, but mostly because I wanted to be more productive. If I didn't have easy access to cable or Internet, the argument goes, I would go exercise, read books and talk to friends in person. After a month or so of idiot-box sobriety I broke down and called Time Warner Cable. At first I used it reasonably. A few shows here or there, checking my email a few times a day. But after a short time my downward spiral continued. On Sunday, I realized that not only does my cable come with 6 months of free Showtime. It also comes with 6 months of free Showtime On Demand. After three days with Showtime On Demand, I have two questions: (1) Why aren't all TV stations "On Demand"? and (2) Isn't Weeds the awesomest show ever?

I've watched the first two seasons in the last three days. Everything about that show rules. For those of you not in the know, Weeds is about a hot suburban housewife that starts selling pot in her affluent suburban neighborhood to pay the bills after her husband dies. Great concept for a show, no? The theme song, Little Boxes, is so catchy in an old fashioned kind of way yet so fitting for describing suburbia. The supporting cast it dominant. It's great to see Kevin Nealon working again, and Elizabeth Perkins should never lose the Emmy for best supporting actress. Both the kids are great too, and Uncle Andy is hilarious. And most importantly, I am absolutely in love with Mary Louise Parker.

Yowza. Normally I'm not that into brunettes that are 15 years my senior, but wow. She's also an awesome actress. So much of the show rests on Parker's eyes and lips, which she uses to show frazzled mom, no-nonsense drug pusher or really hot babe quite effectively. If you haven't watched Weeds, you should check it out. It may seem at first glance that Weeds is kind of like a Desperate Housewives equivalent, but it's closer to the antithesis of that show. It also might seem at first glance that Weeds is just stoner humor, and although Uncle Andy and Kevin Nealon's characters do provide plenty of stoner humor, that's really not what it's about either. It's more clever than that. It's more about the deconstruction of suburbia. The show sets up easy PTA jokes and pot cliches, but then takes them in a slightly different direction. It's hard to explain, but it's awesome. And did I mention that Mary Louise Parker is really really hot?

Isn't it ironic that I hit rock-bottom in my TV addiction with a show about drugs? [Actually, I don't think that is ironic. It's fitting.]

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Last night I took a break from Showtime On Demand and watched the Brewer game at Zim's Sports Bar. Zim's is a prime example of the change in the ambiance of sports bars to a more grown-up atmosphere. Your classic sports bar has fake wood walls, pennants from the local team, PBR in a can, peanuts in the shell, vomit in the sink and a cigarette machine. In contrast Zim's features a more trendy atmosphere, clear views to several plasma TVs, leather couches, vintage black and white photos of local sports heroes like Brett Favre, Robin Yount (There are few things funnier than Yount in 1982 Brewer garb and mustache riding a motorcycle) and Al McGuire, and more interesting bar-food, drinks and micro-brews. Now don't get me wrong, I love a good old sports-dive, but I like Zim's a lot too. It's located in an old carriage house on Milwaukee St and still has the same brick walls and slightly sloping floor that once made it easier to wash the stables out at night. The front wall has been opened up with big windows that remain open in the summer. It's a good place to watch a game.

The Crew dropped the Giants with the help of a complete game from Sheets. Most of the offense came off of effective small ball played against struggling rookie pitcher Tim Lincecum. The Cubs and Cards both won too so the Crew remains seven games ahead in first.

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In other sports news, Wisconsinites are thinking about the Packers even though it's June. Packer fans are a unique breed. Most people know that, despite the fact that they play in the smallest market in professional football, all home Packer games are sold out for the next 35 years or so. Dads put their new-born sons on the waiting list for tickets in hopes that the babies will have seats by the time their midlife crises set in. What some of you may not realize is that they actually sell out Lambeau Field for the intra-squad scrimmage. When some teams that play in big markets like Phoenix can't sell out regular season games, it's pretty impressive (or pathetic and delusional, take your pick) that the Pack sells out the Brett Favre vs. Aaron Rodgers QB match-up. We love our Packers like we love our children--not because they are good, but because they are ours.

Bowling at the Skidmark

You may not know this about me, but I'm often referred to as the Ernie McCracken of Milwaukee. I had the chance to show off my bowling skills on Saturday night at Landmark Lanes (affectionately referred to as The Skidmark). After grilling some venison burgers at B & C's place, and then witnessing Francisco Cordero tragically blow his first save by allowing 4 runs in the 9th and a 4-3 loss for the Brewers (*tear*) nobody was feeling the bar scene. Bowling at the Skidmark seemed like a great idea. We met up with some dentists-in-training that B went to college with and threw a few games.

The Skidmark is a pretty awesome bowling alley. Going there is a little like going back in time. It's very old-school. There's no automatic scoring, so you need to have at least one person with you who paid attention for that week in high school gym class. I'm pretty sure the balls and shoes haven't been replaced (or cleaned) since the 1970s, and best of all, I don't think they've raised the price of beer (or cleaned out the lines) in that time either. They have a ton of different beers on tap at three different bars too. So we ordered a few pitchers and got started.

Remember two paragraphs ago when I claimed I was good at bowling? That was a complete lie. I bowled a 74 in the first game. In the second, after informing the rest of our group that I had been playing bad on purpose in the first game in order to hustle them, I led off with a pair of strikes Ernie McCracken-style. I then proceeded to play like garbage, dan-style. I ended up with a 120 or so. Somewhere in the 8th or 9th frame, one of our group members got his ball stuck in the gutter. He told the dude at the front desk who promptly came over, retrieved the ball, and essentially told us that we suck at bowling, stating "guys like you think that the harder you throw the ball, the more pins you knock down. Bowling isn't about power." Awesome. It must be about finesse. I'm all about the new and trendy drinking establishments, but sometime a bowling alley is the place to be.

Water Buffalo and Getting Old

After getting held up at work until 7:30 or so on Friday evening I was ready for a drink. The former roomie B, his fiance C and I (yes, I am a tremendous third-wheel) met J and his Fiance S (yes, all of my friends are engaged) at Water Buffalo. My cousin K and his wife S met up with us a little later.

As I previously noted, Water Buffalo is located on the corner of Water and Buffalo (duh). It's one of several new restaurant-type places springing up on the Milwaukee Riverwalk. Water Buffalo is sort of going for that "urban-industrial sheek" look. I have no idea what that means. I just heard it on Modern Marvels (okay, it was Trading Spaces) and thought it sounded cool... in a gay sort of way. Anyway, there was a nice view of the river and it was a lovely night. But there's one major problem: really weak drinks. It appears that the barkeepers have been instructed (probably by the fun-police, or maybe their manager or something) to carefully measure out all of their drinks. I would watch them fill the big half of the jigger, pour it into the glass and then fill the small half of the jigger and pour that into the glass, and then top it off with Redbull or Coke. Or in C's case, pineapple juice. Now if I'm not mistaken the big half of a jigger is supposed to be a 1.5 oz. shot and the small half is a 1 oz. "pony" making a grand total of 2.5 oz. of booze in my drink. That doesn't strike me as a weak amount of booze. So my question then is "how much booze are other bartenders putting in my drinks?" Or alternatively, "is Water Buffalo using child-size jiggers?"


After Water Buffalo, we moved the party to a different bar. Shortly after we arrived, a really hot chick called out my name. I had no idea who she was or how I knew her at first. But then it dawned on me that I worked with her at this restaurant about 5 years ago. At the time, I was a 22-year-old waiter and she was a "busgirl"and I thought she was like eleven. She must have actually been older then eleven at the time (because of child labor laws and all), but either way it made me feel really old that (1) she was at the bar, and (2) I thought she was hot. That second one made me feel a little creepy too (although I think in actuality she's only about 6 years younger than me, so not that creepy). Anyway, I'm getting old.

Kil@wat

This week is "downtown dining week" in Milwaukee. About thirty different restaurants are offering three-course meals for $10 at lunch and $20 at dinner. It's a great opportunity to check out several nice restaurants for like half the cost. Tonight, the former roomie, his fiance and I took the opportunity to have dinner at Kilawat. Yes I am a total third-wheel. No, I did not spell the word "kilowatt" wrong. (The name of the place is actually spelled using an ampersand where I put the first "a" but blogger won't let me type it that way without making it an email address. Lousey blogger). It's located on the corner of Kilbourne Avenue and Water street. Get it? Kilbourne at Water => Kil @ Wat => Kilawat. (Coincidentally, I'll be going to a new place called Waterbuffallo tomorrow. It's located on the corner of Water St. and Buffalo St. I assure you that not every restaurant in Milwaukee is named after the street it sits on. But now that I think about it, most of them are. The Mason St. grill is on Mason St. and the Water St. Brewery is on Water St.... I digress).

Kilawat is a sort of trendy [read: it has table clothes and unconventionally shaped drink glasses]place in the Milwaukee Center building. Our downtown dining week options included braised short ribs or shrimp risotto. Although I didn't know what risotto was, I ordered it anyway. I'm all about trying knew things. It turns out that Risotto is a lot like Golden Crisp cereal (Remember Sugar Bear? "Can't get enough of that Golden Crisp, it's got the crunch with the punch.") when you let it sit in milk too long, only awesome and tossed with shrimp and asparagus. It was delightful. I also had a dominant Caesar salad and a root beer float (I'm classy, what can I say?). The former roomie got the short ribs, which were allegedly good as well. I definitely plan on returning to Kilawat. It's primarily a small plate dining place so the three of us decided we would return at a later date with reinforcements so we could sample a bunch of stuff.

After dinner, the three of us had a cocktail and watched the Spurs beat LeBron James at Clear. Clear is another trendy bar, also located in the Milwaukee Center building. The shtick at this place is that everything is... wait for it... clear! I'm usually a Jack & Coke kind of guy, but I made do with a vodka tonic. When in Rome, right? It was reminiscent of that trend in the early 90's when companies were making clear versions of their products to create an image of purity. Actually, an Absolute and Crystal Pepsi and a little Van Hallen music would have made for a perfect end to the evening...