Monday, June 11, 2007

The Biggest Douchebag in Baseball

Today the Crew begin a three game series against the Detroit Tigers. Normally I have a soft spot in my heart for the Tigers. Historically, they've been one of the AL teams (along with the Cleveland Indians) that I sort of root for. But since the addition of Gary Sheffield, the Biggest Douchebag in Baseball, I hope that they lose every game. I know what you're saying. How can I consider Gary Sheffield the Biggest Douchebag in Baseball when there are so many prominent douchebags in the game today--Bonds, Clemens, the Chicago Cubs etc.? I honestly believe that Sheffield beats all of them in pure douchebaggery. Even Bonds.

I realize the Gary is a pretty good player. The man is 7th in hit-by-pitches amongst all active players for Chrisake! That's some good baseball. My distaste for Gary obviously began back in the late 80s when he gave our franchise a glimmer of hope and then crushed it based purely on his bad attitude. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's when premadona players refuse to play for the team that hired them. That kind of highhorseocity ruins the game. It's even worse when the team they're screwing is my team. But, as Gary showed us last week, there are many other reasons we should all consider Gary Sheffield a douchebag:

On playing in Milwaukee:

The Brewers brought out the hate in me. I was a crazy man ... I hated everything about the place. If the official scorer gave me an error I didn't think was an error, I'd say, 'OK, here's a real error,' and I'd throw the next ball into the stands on purpose.'

On packing heat:

It ain't changed because I got in the league. It just made me get more of them.

On teammate Shawn Green missing a game with the Dodgers because of Yom Kippur during a crucial pennant stretch:

Religion is an important thing as long as you worship the right God.

On whether he would represent his country in the World Baseball Classic:

My season is when I get paid. I'm not doing that...I'm not sacrificing my body or taking a chance on an injury for something that's made up. This isn't the Olympics. That's a big difference. This is something you made up.

And of course there's this:

I called it years ago. What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out. ... (It's about) being able to tell (Latin players) what to do -- being able to control them. Where I'm from, you can't control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is. And that's a person that you're going to talk to with respect, you're going to talk to like a man. These are the things my race demands. So, if you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys.

Also, his wife was on an R. Kelly sex tape. In conclusion, for all of the reasons cited above, Gary Sheffield is the Biggest Douchebag in Baseball.


Ned Yost said...

I know! There are a bunch of seagulls on the field and an ump with a historically wide strike zone in Ron Culp. Maybe instead of my great, excellent, powerful rookie third baseman, I'll play the old Italian dude who hits about .200 with no power. AND Craig Counsell. Sure it's the AL and I get to use the DH, but why not put in my two worst offensive player?

And hey, I'll hit them 1-2 in the lineup! How bad could it be?

Dan said...

Brilliant fucking idea Ned.