Gather 'round guys, because I have a secret to tell you all. I went to a baby shower... and it was worse than you could possibly imagine. "Showers" [both kinds] have been a mystery to me for most of my life. As far as I could tell, showers [both kinds] were just a bunch of chicks getting together and doing things that don't make a lick of sense. I didn't know, or care, what those things were, but I knew they didn't make any sense. So I was both intrigued and terrified when my ol' pal Bill (probably not his real name) and his, um... baby's momma, sent me an invitation to a co-ed baby shower.
On the day of the "party" I stopped by the Brewers' pro-shop to get Bill's future daughter her first Brewer t-shirt. I then picked up my other ol' pal Chris (probably not his real name either) and headed out to Franklin, WI for what would be the longest 3 hours of our lives. Three more of the ol' friends were invited and none of them showed up. Assholes. Absolutely brilliant assholes.
[Now, I should preface this by telling you that Bill's situation isn't exactly "traditional." He hadn't been dating/seeing/banging/whatever his baby's momma for very long before they got a start on their family. The child is, as they say, an "oops." But Bill has grown up very fast in the last few months. He's actually done everything right in this situation (except for not getting his girlfriend pregnant). He's making every effort to help her along, he's open to taking their relationship to the next level, but doesn't seem to be pushing it or anything. He moved close by her. And from what I can tell, he's pretty excited to be a dad. Nice work Bill, you'll do fine.]
Bill greeted Chris and I at the door, and boy was he glad to see us. He already looked frazzled (and at least a little tipsy) and it was obvious Billy was in for a long day. Also in attendance were Billy's parents (who I would learn don't like each other vary much), about 20 members of Bill's baby's momma's family and some friends. I'd estimate that the male to female ratio at this co-ed baby shower was about 1 to 5, although some of those chicks may have been dudes. By far the most well-represented subgroup in attendance was "aunts." Regardless, they were all looking at Chris and I like we had leprosy and we were looking at them like they were really unattractive chicks, which is to say we weren't looking at them at all.
Apparently, at baby showers, you play games. Really stupid games. Here are some of the games that were played:
Game #1-Answer 20 random questions about the couple, how they met, stuff from their childhoods etc. This game [like the whole party] was a little awkward because their "how they met" story isn't exactly a "meet cute," as they say in Hollywood [yes, I am familiar with romantic comedy terminology]. They met at work, but I think the courtship involved lots of booze and myspace.
Game #2-Blind taste-test some random baby food and guess what kind of dead bugs it was made from.
Game #3-I'm not sure what the next game was, but I saw Bill's baby's momma's momma putting a candy bar in a diaper, and I think she microwaved it. That was my cue to grab Chris and go hang out outside for a while. If any of my female readers [yes, I realize that I don't really have any female readers... because I'm a jerk] happen to know how this game works, could you please explain it?
After the games, we ate some food. And then we watched Bill and Bill's baby's momma open presents... for fourteen hours straight. Wanna know what they got? A lot of baby clothes and stuff! Who would have guessed? Apparently chicks like these "shower" things [both kinds], but my advice to you guys is this: Never ever go to a co-ed shower [this advice obviously only applies to one of the two kinds of shower].
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If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.
16 comments:
Guys don't stay for the baby shower unless they are bartending. Or there is some nice piece of ass worth hitting on.
stb,
Ya know, that's what I thought, but the invitation indicated that I was supposed to be there. I don't have a wife/girlfriend so it was sent right to me, and it clearly said in several places that it was co-ed. I think that's the "trendy" thing to do or something. Fucking trends.
Anyway, the only drinks I mixed were for me, and even with the help of those drinks, I didn't see a piece of ass worth hitting. So it sucked.
The candy in the diaper represents the mess those two are about to be knee deep in. Or it could just be a poopy diaper. If you get it, you win...or lose depending on how you look at it.
Kudos to you for making it through the estrogen ocean.
I hate showers, and I would like to say that I've never been to one where we played stupid games like that (thank god) - my friends would never get away with that shit. Showers are all about drinking - with the celebrants if it's a wedding shower or in front of them if it's a baby shower - and getting/giving free stuff. I still say they're a waste though; a couple should never ask for more than the gift you send AFTER the baby's born (one is enough).
But good for you to go and help out your friend; it sounds like he needed you.
Kersten,
So let me get this straight, they passed out a bunch of diapers to the guests, one of them containing a melted Hershey bar, and then the guests opened them up? And the one with the fake-dootie is the winner/loser? Then what?
Redhead,
Yes, showers are lame and I believe largely driven by want of presents. But they did foot the bill for the diapers and Hershey bar, so that's a fair trade.
And then you get a prize...but I gotta say no prize is worth finding that in a diaper. And it seriously puts me off chocolate altogether just thinking about it.
Coulda been worse...
... wait, no. That's not true at all. My condolences for the loss of a day.
Kerstin,
It puts me off of chocolate AND it puts me off having babies.
TK,
Thanks. But it's a fact of life that some days just blow.
The candy bar/diaper game that I played at the longest baby shower of my life (and I am a girl) consisted of many numbered diapers all with a different crushed up candy bar in them. The diapers were passed around the room and, by look and smell, we were supposed to identify the candy bar and write it on our little pastel piece of paper. The person who got the most diaper candy right got the prize. I have never heard of microwaving them, though. That's gross.
It makes me wonder... does a diaper blow up like a marshmallow in the microwave?
The last baby shower I went to was also co-ed. I had to diaper a doll in a relay race. Thankfully the hosts had the humanity to provide margaritas. Pitchers and pitchers of margaritas. Tequila makes it all better.
You know, you have no one to blame for this but yourself. You broke "Jim's Law" which reads as follows:
"You know son, the best part about being a guy is that you don't have to go to showers."
Bad Danny. No Donut.
Anyway, it probably would have been a toolriffic screwjob on your part to bail on poor Billyboy, so I suppose it was justified in this case. Ultimately it's his fault.
When asked about the diaper game the wife just said "it's gross, and I don't get it." She hates showers too.
klhp,
I didn't stick around long enough to find out if it would blow up, but I hope it did.
Kate,
Everything is better with Margaritas. I suppose that's how people get through parenthood so we might as well reinforce that idea starting at the baby shower.
Paul,
Who's Jim?
I'uknow. Some guy.
Don't think that because you're a jerk you won't have female readers. Girls like jerks. In fact, every last guy we've ever dated has been one.
Paul,
Well whoever he is, he makes a good law.
Farrah,
I know girls like dating and sleeping with jerks. I just assumed they didn't like reading blogs written by jerks.
Ewww babay showers, even I don't like to go to those and I'm a girl. I'm sorry that you had to see what stupid silly shit women will do when faced with the fact that something is growing inside of someone (miracle of life? Depends on who you are asking). I personally would just want money sent to me and no party. Because really who wants to see the fat woman bend over to open present?
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