Gather 'round guys, because I have a secret to tell you all. I went to a baby shower... and it was worse than you could possibly imagine. "Showers" [both kinds] have been a mystery to me for most of my life. As far as I could tell, showers [both kinds] were just a bunch of chicks getting together and doing things that don't make a lick of sense. I didn't know, or care, what those things were, but I knew they didn't make any sense. So I was both intrigued and terrified when my ol' pal Bill (probably not his real name) and his, um... baby's momma, sent me an invitation to a co-ed baby shower.
On the day of the "party" I stopped by the Brewers' pro-shop to get Bill's future daughter her first Brewer t-shirt. I then picked up my other ol' pal Chris (probably not his real name either) and headed out to Franklin, WI for what would be the longest 3 hours of our lives. Three more of the ol' friends were invited and none of them showed up. Assholes. Absolutely brilliant assholes.
[Now, I should preface this by telling you that Bill's situation isn't exactly "traditional." He hadn't been dating/seeing/banging/whatever his baby's momma for very long before they got a start on their family. The child is, as they say, an "oops." But Bill has grown up very fast in the last few months. He's actually done everything right in this situation (except for not getting his girlfriend pregnant). He's making every effort to help her along, he's open to taking their relationship to the next level, but doesn't seem to be pushing it or anything. He moved close by her. And from what I can tell, he's pretty excited to be a dad. Nice work Bill, you'll do fine.]
Bill greeted Chris and I at the door, and boy was he glad to see us. He already looked frazzled (and at least a little tipsy) and it was obvious Billy was in for a long day. Also in attendance were Billy's parents (who I would learn don't like each other vary much), about 20 members of Bill's baby's momma's family and some friends. I'd estimate that the male to female ratio at this co-ed baby shower was about 1 to 5, although some of those chicks may have been dudes. By far the most well-represented subgroup in attendance was "aunts." Regardless, they were all looking at Chris and I like we had leprosy and we were looking at them like they were really unattractive chicks, which is to say we weren't looking at them at all.
Apparently, at baby showers, you play games. Really stupid games. Here are some of the games that were played:
Game #1-Answer 20 random questions about the couple, how they met, stuff from their childhoods etc. This game [like the whole party] was a little awkward because their "how they met" story isn't exactly a "meet cute," as they say in Hollywood [yes, I am familiar with romantic comedy terminology]. They met at work, but I think the courtship involved lots of booze and myspace.
Game #2-Blind taste-test some random baby food and guess what kind of dead bugs it was made from.
Game #3-I'm not sure what the next game was, but I saw Bill's baby's momma's momma putting a candy bar in a diaper, and I think she microwaved it. That was my cue to grab Chris and go hang out outside for a while. If any of my female readers [yes, I realize that I don't really have any female readers... because I'm a jerk] happen to know how this game works, could you please explain it?
After the games, we ate some food. And then we watched Bill and Bill's baby's momma open presents... for fourteen hours straight. Wanna know what they got? A lot of baby clothes and stuff! Who would have guessed? Apparently chicks like these "shower" things [both kinds], but my advice to you guys is this: Never ever go to a co-ed shower [this advice obviously only applies to one of the two kinds of shower].