Monday, March 3, 2008

Dear Prince Fielder,

I'd like to start out by saying that you are a fantastic baseball player, and by all accounts, a great leader and person in general. But I'm worried about you. Let's start with your new diet. When choosing a diet, it's important to keep in mind that you are a professional athlete and that your strength is your strength. On the athleticism spectrum, you fit somewhere near the top. At the bottom of this spectrum, right below starving children in third world countries, you will find a group known as "fashion models." People in this group are in such bad shape because they have shitty diets. Now, just to help you connect the dots, I'm going to be very clear about this; YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE DIETARY ADVICE FROM FUCKING FASHION MODELS!

I read that you decided to go on your new vegetarian diet after reading a book called Skinny Bitch. This book was written by two fucking fashion models. Neither of them would have a very good OPS. Here is the cover of the book:

You'll notice that there is not a professional baseball player pictured on the cover. Instead it features a caricature of a woman that is built like a pretzel. I do not believe that this cartoon woman could pick up a cartoon bat.

This book sold about 5 copies until some paparazzi snapped a picture of Posh Spice reading it. Here is a picture of posh spice:

You'll notice that Posh is built sort of like the woman on the book jacket, only not quite as shapely, despite some surgical augmentation. Her legs could be described as "lines." This is not a physique that a professional home-run hitter should aspire to have.

It's not impossible to be healthy without eating meat, but it's really really hard. You can't just eat 30 Boca Burgers per day. (This is literally what you would need to eat to get close to the amount of protein a man of your stature requires to work out like a man in your line of work needs to). Please start eating meat. And if you're not going to do that, at least hire a nutritionist that isn't in the fashion industry.

Very truly yours,


P.S. Remember this?


StB said...

If he loses power, fans will beg for him to eat the Bratwurst when the Racing Sausages go by the dugout.

Bruce Dierbeck said...

Hilarious post.